A lot more people will be saying they have friends in high places.
Crimea Fucking River
Labor day I was born a pun and I love it. I'm legally pun
Guy 1: I heard that the main character kept stabbing people on the set filming Legally Blonde. I can't remember her full name. It was Reese..... something. She just kept attacking people one by one but I don't know who it was.
Guy 2: Witherspoon
Guy 1: No...... with her knife. Who would be that stupid to use a spoon to hurt over.
Can't have shit in Detroit.
Bi son!
Because he didn’t see that well.
Yeah, they’re calling it their stimulant package!
That’s a lot of wasted votes
I’m so upset that we cantaloupe
A lawsuit.
After all, possession is 9/10ths of the law.
It was all legal tender
The shorts house
Did you hear about the red-headed cookie that broke it’s leg?
Gingersnap
Did you hear about the cookie that quietly laughs at other cookies’ drawings?
Snickerdoodle
Did you hear about the dessert that got cast in the bakery’s reboot of Indiana Jones: The Temple of Doom?
Shortbread
Did you hear about the friends the zombies are making in heaven?
Angel food
Did you hear about the Mushroom Kingdom princess that abdicated the throne to pursue the shoe repair trade?
Peach cobbler
Did you hear about the 49th state in the Union legalizing recreational marijuana?
Baked Alaska
Did you hear about the Bavarian teacher that filled up her blackboard every day?
German chocolate
Did you hear about the hip New York hotspots for citrus fruits?
Lemon bars
Did you hear about the mother's sister that really likes her nieces and nephews?
Fondant
Did you hear about people wagering money on a boxing match in the Arctic between a heavyweight champ and raspberries?
Sherbet
Ancient Scot Richard's Warriors: Dick's Picts
Loki - Trick pics (from my brother)
Pictures of an Adam Sandler movie: "Click" pics.
Pictures of a Kaitlin Olson character: The Mick's pics
Screenahots of these comments: Wit pics
Leaky faucet: drip pics
X1 Cumberbatch photos: Benedict pics
X2 Pope photos: Benedict pics (also works)
X3 Turncoat snaps: Benedict pics
X4 "Wong" image: Benedict pics
Legal command: Writ pics
Pictures of twigs: Stick pics
A Christmas Story scene: lick pics
Pictures of a Winter Saint: Nick pics
Syringe photos: prick pics (from a friend)
Sporting goods store images: Dick's pics.
Dan Harmon cartoon character: Rick's pics.
I’m going to name my son Phil and from that point on everything I do will be for my son. That’s my Phil Osophy.
Where there’s a will, there’s a whey.
Oh, and by the way, those flashing lights on top of your car look really stupid.
Dad: “Well I’m no legal expert, but I suspect there’d be some trees in there.”
It was too hard to hide it from the cops.
...so I hide my cane every time the cops are around.
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
And I am not going to quit until I am Finish!
They call it, Coles law
The sue-saphone
Where there's a will, there's a whey.
It would be called Operation Pot Holes
A gnomicide.
that I haven't heard of a single dispensary referring to itself as a "cannabusiness"
When they go low, we get high.
You can legally put down one
Contract lenses.
Because he couldn’t see that well
He will be rolling in his grave.
