Just watched an episode of 24 where Jack Bauer had to decide to either help the cartel transfer cannabis crystals into the U.S within 24 hours or they would blow up the Gulf Coast states.

...It was Kief or Southernland

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AquamarineCheetah
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2021
🚨︎ report
A recent study of rocking chairs indicated that certain parts of the world do far less rocking than the United States while specific countries do...

Mo-roccan.

This joke provided by dads giving babies a bottle in a rocking chair early in the morning.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sneakymooseattack
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2021
🚨︎ report
United States of BEE
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elthedorito
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you say to The President Of The United States when he leaves abruptly?

Okay, Biden.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iwishidie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
How much does the entire United States cost?

Nothing, because it's a free country

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xenonthewizlard
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the Koala immigrate to the United States?

Because he wanted the right to bear arms.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theAchilliesHIV
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a bee that is from the United States

A USB

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nobody492
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the Commanding General of the United States Army say after having his budget approved?

Tanks for that.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard

whoops wrong sub

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeterPorky
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I have a list of friends who love palindromes!

Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel, and Ellen.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
🚨︎ report
Now that Donald Trump is no longer President, the United States is experiencing post-nut clarity.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/femifoodie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
A list of puns I made about a friend named Ann.

ANNforgivable, ANNother One, bANNed, ANNdroid, ANNticlimactic, ANNbelievable, ANNemployment, ANNcharted, ANNgry, ANNlucky, ANNseen, ANNalyze, ANNadvised, ANNafraid, ANNaided, ANNapologetic, United NatANNs, AmericANN, CanadiANN, IndiANN, JamaicANN, BritANN, JapANN, AsiANN, HumANN, ANNoying, DirectANN, ProductANN, DestructANN, RegeneratANN, AcceleratANN, AbsorptANN, AccommodatANN, AccumulatANN ActANN, additANN, SubscriptANN, SubtractANN, MultiplicatANN, DivisANN, EducatANN, AssumptANN, AppreciatANN, ANNything.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DevotionInChains
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Donald Trump is currently organizing pigeons against the united states government.

He's plotting a coo

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
News broke today that due to salmonella concerns, there is a national recall on just about every type of onion in the united states...

To be honest, I'm not shedding any tears over it.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thejohnblog
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Missouri has the most bordering states (8, tied with tennessee) out of any of the 50 United States of America. You know what they say, Missouri loves company.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudemanandnewman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2017
🚨︎ report
What unit of measure do pirates use?

YARRRDS

πŸ‘︎ 345
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbrasky43
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
What was the 16th president of the United States told before the dinner party?

Ay bring ham, Lincoln.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Keepscrollin-u
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Watt is the unit of power?
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IncompotentCyborg
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
TIL The 1st United States Volunteer Cavalry, one of three such regiments raised in 1898 for the Spanish–American War, had dogs to go with them...

The were The Ruff Riders.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I was thinking about starting a cannabis lounge that serves prime cuts of beef

But the steaks were too high

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/confibulator
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
My dog peed on my list of favorite businesses in the city

Now what’s left is Yellow Pages

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrabApprehensive
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend tried to ride his horse from Maine to the Southwestern United States for a type of bean but was hit by an older Ford...

It was a pinto.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did a father who's son was just born today refused a marriage proposal of a father who's daughter was born just the previous day?

He didn't want his son marrying a girl twice his age.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeathWagon21
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
🚨︎ report
My 8 year old sons joke today. What’s a girls favorite unit of measurement?

(Gal)lons

πŸ‘︎ 96
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πŸ‘€︎ u/static612
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you call an army unit of babies?

INFANTry

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/salttrooper222
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2021
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine planned to use balloons to propose to his internet girlfriend, but then they finally met face to face.

He immediately popped the question.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I hear the United States is well stocked for a bird-of-prey flu epidemic...

There are plenty of ill eagle drugs for just such emergency.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I proposed to my girlfriend, who is the VP of marketing at her company.

I got zero engagement.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gingi0
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
The United States Postal Service got jokes
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreenLeafGreg
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
[Pun request] Need a List of Cat Puns For US Cities and States

So far for States I have: Catifornia North and South Catolina Oklahomeow Oregato Furorida Mew York, Jersey, Hampshire, Mexico Connectikitty ​

For cities I have: Mew York Kitty Felinedelphia San Digato Mewmphis Chigato San Furanciso Indianapawlis Clawmbus​

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/namtag24
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
What state in the US drinks the smallest cans of soda?

Minnesota.

Yeah.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
🚨︎ report
When I married my wife, I made a list of all the chores I knew how to do to help out in the house.

It was the list I could do

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jpereira73
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the best vegetable of the 2021?

No, they r/nottheonion

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NaSinRao
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2021
🚨︎ report
We need to add three more states to the United States of America

53 states would make it a prime number; One nation, indivisible.

πŸ‘︎ 983
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BradC
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2017
🚨︎ report
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
My 8 year old has created a new unit of measument...

She just picked up the squeeze ketchup and said, "I only need one fart of ketchup." She gives the bottle a single squeeze and gets her "one fart."

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrmackz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
🚨︎ report
In light of his record with these mega-projects, Elon Musk's proposed new Miami-tunnel gives new meaning to the term

"car-pool tunnel syndrome."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Nurse: Here is the list of heart, liver and kidney donors arranged in alphabetical order.

Doctor: Thank you. It is very organ-ized.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
🚨︎ report
My office space is a cubicle, president of the United States has an oval.

Someone has been cutting corners.

πŸ‘︎ 317
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
🚨︎ report
If the United States annexed all of Canada and multiplied it’s area by two, what would you get?

WSA

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shortordercook
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
🚨︎ report
The Argyle Sweater for the weekend of 4/17/2021-4/18/2021
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDorkKnight53
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...

Solid, liquid and gas

πŸ‘︎ 404
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brundonius
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Last week, a freshman secret service officer stopped an assassination attempt on the president of the United States by screaming β€œMickey Mouse”!

When his superior congratulated him for the arrest, he asked β€œWhy did you scream Mickey Mouse?” And the secret serviceman said β€œI was trying to say Donald Duck!”

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GPyleFan11
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Just watched an episode of 24 where Jack Bauer had to decide to either help the cartel transfer cannabis crystals into the U.S within 24 hours or they would blow up the Gulf Coast states.

...It was Kief or Southernland.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AquamarineCheetah
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What was the 16th president of the United States told before a dinner party?

Ay, bring ham, Lincoln

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mush_Tilly
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
🚨︎ report

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