A man was turned into a pistachio.

He became a shell of the man he once was.

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πŸ“…︎ May 25 2021
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I bought a package of trail mix and it only had cashews, almonds, and pistachios.

That's just nuts!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SayLittleDoMuch
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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If almonds are $1, peanuts $.50, and pistachios $1.50, how much are deer nuts?

Under a buck

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IMightNotBeKevin
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
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I opened a pistachio shell, and there was nothing inside.

Even Mother Nature is participating in No Nut November.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vaxis2113
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
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Why did the pistachio file a police report?

He was a-salted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLastHeroHere
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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for our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a small picture of me inside a pistachio

but that's just me in a nutshell.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SamGreenaway
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2018
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What did the pistachio say to it's shell?

You're a nut case.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2018
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Pistachios are very tasty

In a nutshell

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Egglamation
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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I filled my stocking with pistachios so that I can open it up on Christmas morning and say "Aww, nuts!"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsdrivingmenuts
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2016
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What do you call an angry man with a mustache?

A pistachio

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kremzon13
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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Posted on behalf of my actual father who thinks he’s hilarious πŸ˜ͺπŸ˜‚

We all know that pokemon evolve after being trained for a while. There is a little known fact that some PokΓ©mon evolve into different PokΓ©mon based on how you raise them.

For example,did you know if you raise a pikachu badly it evolves into a nasty little PokΓ©mon called pissed-at-chu!!

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
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I have no problem getting dates online.

I also have great luck with pistachios, cashews and almonds.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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I was about to try a new diet

I was about to try a diet of almonds, pecans, cashews, and pistachios. Once I told my doctor, he told me to try a diet that wasn't completely nuts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RockerSwitch
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2020
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An edible pale green seed of an Asian tree is very very angry with you for calling him a nut.

He's really pistachio

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
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My 3 year old dad joked me

We were watching Cars 2. In this movie, there is a scene where one of the characters, 'Mater' (a happy go lucky 'southern' towtruck) eats a bunch of wasabi thinking it's pistachio icecream. My 3 year old turns to me and says " hehe, he ate spice-cream" then burst out laughing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/serb2212
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2017
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Yesterday, I met a nutty Italian

His name was Pistachio

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DuctapeCat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
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My first organic dad joke

My wife texted me saying "we've been nuts all day", as in busy. I asked her "what kind?" And then proceeded to rattle off her co-workers names paired with nuts of the same letter, eg: Cashew Crissy, Pistachio Patty.

Then I laughed like an idiot for 5 minutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NiceIsis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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A really bad cold has been making its way around my office. The latest victim just started coughing today.

Him: "Nah, I'm not getting sick. It's all in the head. Like allergies. I used to be allergic to pistachios, but now I'm not!" starts eating some pistachios

Me: "Did you really used to be allergic to them?"

Him: "No, of course not. That would be nuts!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/01hair
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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Coworker said this while eating his lunchtime snack:

Wow, these pistachios are nuts!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/davekrawczyk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2014
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dDadjoked my dad today

me:"I'm at a loss for words today... what's the word when someone gets stabbed or shot or something?"

dad:"Violence."

me:" Dad. Violence is never the answer."

he almost choked on the pistachio muffin he was eating.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Judoshop
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2014
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Why..

So my girlfriend and family and i are sitting around a campfire and around the circle my dad is passing around a bag of nuts and pistachios and my dad says to us: "anyone want my nut sack?" And just laughs to himself.

Wtf dad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ACHH
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2014
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What do you call a penis with a mustache?

A pistachio!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gzamora89
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2015
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