What did the walnut say to the hazelnut when playing tag?

You better run or Iā€™m going to cashew!

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/radrunningwild
šŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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Why did the little walnut stick money to his feet?

Because he really wanted to be a cash-shoe.

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šŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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"Walnut, Date and Banana Bread?", I exclaimed to the barista...

"Yes, it is really nice." She said cheerfully

"Oh no, I don't agree with Dates, too many bad experiences for me" I said with a smirk ear to ear.

"Oh, really? Why is that?" She asked.

Calmly I said, "They all end badly."

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/cayphed
šŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
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A walnut can't run down your leg

But pecan

šŸ‘︎ 6
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
šŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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Friend was deathly allergic to peanuts so Dad was asking if he was allergic to all type of nuts, hazelnuts, walnuts etc. He went silent...

"how about donuts?"

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/likerumonthefire
šŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
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What does a little walnut say as it is growing up

Gee I'm a tree (geometry)

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Kurkiblade
šŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2018
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So I asked my dad, "Hey, don't you hate it when a sentence doesn't end the way you walnut to?"

And he said, "Yeah, it drives me nuts."

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/MrValithor
šŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2017
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Cum on the wall..

And call it walnut

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Shreecasm
šŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.

I'm going to cashew.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/SoNotCool
šŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
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Is it too soon for low quality meme puns?
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/IshaqN94
šŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
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Nut joke as told by my dad today

What do you have when you've got two nuts on your chest?

Chestnuts

What do you have when you've got two nuts on the wall?

Walnuts

What do you have when you've got two nuts on your chin?

.

.

.

.

A dick in your mouth.

Groans and facepalms were had.

EDIT: Formatting

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Jonaman8
šŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
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I broke my dadjoke cherry at lunch today

I'm a fairly new dad and my wife was chopping up walnuts:

Me: my respect for walnuts has really changed for the better recently.

Wife: (looks at me funny...) Why?

Me: they've really come out of their shell...

There was an audible groan and sadly, I had to high five myself..

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/seipounds
šŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2018
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What do you get if you only put your balls in the glory hole?

Walnuts.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/meekaelle
šŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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My friend was jerking off in the Walmart bathroom

He had a walnut

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/BountyHunterGTA
šŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
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What are you making there, Mom?

I saw that my mom was making some sort of granola bar tpe thing, so I asked her what it is. She says, "They're walnut bars." I said, "What are those?" My Dad then replies, "It's where walnuts go to drink."

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/shawmonster
šŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2016
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Dinner joke

So tonight at the dinner table my mother wanted to explain how she made the salad.

So she begins with: "first i chopped some salat just to begin the salat, and I added some apple and lime to give it some bitterness. I also chopped some hazelnuts to give the salat umami" (to those who don't know what umami is: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Umami)

Then my dad interrupted and said: "If I had made that salat, i would have used walnuts instead. I prefer the taste og upapi.

The he laughed in a way, only a dad can do.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/antonchristian
šŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2014
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Dad said the words, I made the joke

We have a big bag of walnuts in our pantry. In discussing what we should do with them my dad said in all seriousness "walnuts cost $20 a bag, isn't that nuts?" Laughing in a very obvious way I said "haha nuts" and my mom and sister groaned while my dad chuckled.

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šŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2016
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I think this counts

I was cracking some walnuts open and asked my Dad:

"Dad, is there a machine or something that cracks nuts all day?"

He says "Something that breaks your nuts all day? That's called a Wife"

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/naliao
šŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2014
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Ohh dad. The funny part is I'm only 26 and I'm starting to show his humor.

"Hey Robosho, did you know that there was a major crime today in the Central Valley (California, all this part is true). The thieves got away with stealing over 400,000 dollars worth of walnuts"

Then he added, "yea, the cops called it a real nutcase"

And with a huge grin on his face, he ended , "I made that last part up"

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Robosho
šŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2014
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