Walnuts Puns

You better run or I’m going to cashew!

Because he really wanted to be a cash-shoe.

"Yes, it is really nice." She said cheerfully

"Oh no, I don't agree with Dates, too many bad experiences for me" I said with a smirk ear to ear.

"Oh, really? Why is that?" She asked.

Calmly I said, "They all end badly."

But pecan

"how about donuts?"

Gee I'm a tree (geometry)

And he said, "Yeah, it drives me nuts."

And call it walnut

I'm going to cashew.

What do you have when you've got two nuts on your chest?

Chestnuts

What do you have when you've got two nuts on the wall?

Walnuts

What do you have when you've got two nuts on your chin?

.

.

.

.

A dick in your mouth.

Groans and facepalms were had.

EDIT: Formatting

I'm a fairly new dad and my wife was chopping up walnuts:

Me: my respect for walnuts has really changed for the better recently.

Wife: (looks at me funny...) Why?

Me: they've really come out of their shell...

There was an audible groan and sadly, I had to high five myself..

Walnuts.

He had a walnut

I saw that my mom was making some sort of granola bar tpe thing, so I asked her what it is. She says, "They're walnut bars." I said, "What are those?" My Dad then replies, "It's where walnuts go to drink."

So tonight at the dinner table my mother wanted to explain how she made the salad.

So she begins with: "first i chopped some salat just to begin the salat, and I added some apple and lime to give it some bitterness. I also chopped some hazelnuts to give the salat umami" (to those who don't know what umami is: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Umami)

Then my dad interrupted and said: "If I had made that salat, i would have used walnuts instead. I prefer the taste og upapi.

The he laughed in a way, only a dad can do.

We have a big bag of walnuts in our pantry. In discussing what we should do with them my dad said in all seriousness "walnuts cost $20 a bag, isn't that nuts?" Laughing in a very obvious way I said "haha nuts" and my mom and sister groaned while my dad chuckled.

I was cracking some walnuts open and asked my Dad:

"Dad, is there a machine or something that cracks nuts all day?"

He says "Something that breaks your nuts all day? That's called a Wife"

"Hey Robosho, did you know that there was a major crime today in the Central Valley (California, all this part is true). The thieves got away with stealing over 400,000 dollars worth of walnuts"

Then he added, "yea, the cops called it a real nutcase"

And with a huge grin on his face, he ended , "I made that last part up"