Mariah Carey is opening her Christmas present

And inside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential. Disappointed, she sets the deed down and says, "I don't want a lot for Christmas!"

πŸ‘︎ 606
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πŸ‘€︎ u/corbillardier
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
You should always knock on the fridge door before opening it

Just in case there's a salad dressing

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DubstepAndTrap
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant

He's calling it Wok of Life

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/canyonstom
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
One of my friends told me he was opening a clothing store that sold everything except for hats.

I thought he was pulling my leg, but when I asked him, he told me "Yeah man it's true, no cap."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MostWheatyOne
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Tickets on sale now for 50 Cent opening for Nickelback...

...Only 45 cents

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vintagepatriot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the cop say after opening Jeff Dahmer's refrigerator ?

"He really had a cool head."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
It's Christmas day. Mariah Carey is opening presents around the tree with friends and family. She opens an envelope with a gift, the deed to a piece of residential land.

With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.

My 10 year old son: Don't worry, it's not a big dill. My wife while looking at me: -.-

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProfessorPeterr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm thinking of opening a bar where everyone insults everyone else while moving to the music...

I think my idea of social diss dancing would go over well!

πŸ‘︎ 158
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
The other day I was on the dock talking to two of my neighbors… One of them had a cooler full of beers and snacks… Pulling out a beer pops the top and opening a bag of chips, he says β€œMy wife’s an angel

I said, β€œyou’re lucky – mine is still alive…”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend tried opening up a driving range to compete with Top Golf.

Not sure if he pulled it off but I know it took a lot of balls to do it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greg_zielinski
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the director of the stage production of Cinderella say, after the lead called out sick before opening night?

Get the understudy, the shoe, must go on!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uneeq33
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
This was on my mind for a while after being a candidate for so many job openings.
πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pallabpain
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center

I will call it β€œPick Your Nose”

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/speek_ez
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I was considering opening a mirror shop

But after reflecting on it, I just couldn't see myself doing that.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mickets
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter opening her fortune cookie:

β€œHey, there’s no fortune in here” Me: β€œthat’s unfortunate”

My fortune cookie: β€œyour sense of humor will get you through difficult times”.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spartan-Swill
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
The re-opening of LEGO stores was the biggest event of 2020.

People were lined up for blocks!

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dgpx89
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I matched with a woman named Samantha on tinder. Guess my opening line:

β€œCan we chat now or β€œSamantha” time? β€œ

Btw .. this is my true story

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hahaha_Joker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm opening a steel mill that also sells the steel for a discount

It's called He Who Smelt it Dealt it

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zatch17
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
The re-opening of LEGO stores was a big event in 2020...

People were lined up for blocks.

https://i.imgur.com/Ph9QdvL.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bill_Baldwin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I got my wife a copy of the Pixar movie Up when it came out a long time ago, but she dropped it while opening it. She dropped it so many times over the years that the box is very damaged and the disc is no longer playable. Her other movies are perfectly fine, but not this one.

She did not hold Up well.

πŸ‘︎ 306
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mortalfloater
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I am opening a soap box derby themed restaurant

Everything in the menu is *a la carte

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jvanzandd
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Q: What key do you use when opening a banana?

A: A monkey!

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nuk3st
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the crowds at the grand opening of the new Lego store?

People were lined up for blocks

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CurGeorge8
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my immigrant friends what type of restaurant they were opening.

They replied "It's nacho business!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I just hear about a new chicken fastfood place opening up in Ukraine

It’s KievC.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/robindc_93
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I always knock on the fridge door before opening it.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ILooveMangoes
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Thinking about opening a hotel for weed smokers.

I’m gone call it Swisha Suites. Lol!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MLSlate1324
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Ladies: If you think your man has trouble "opening up,"

Just hand him a beer.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm opening a new bar called The Space Bar, but it's under the C.

It's keyboard themed.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/H_G_Bells
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Opening a bottle of wine is easy

But it’s also easy to screw it up

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AJNotMyRealName
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm thinkning about opening a hotel that also sells footwear.

I think it would be a real Shoe Inn.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DLeck
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant

He's calling it Wok of Life

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/canyonstom
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I always knock on the refrigerator door before opening it.

Just in case there is a salad dressing.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why should you always knock on the fridge before opening it?

There could be a salad dressing.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pikachu_555-1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I Always Knock On The Fridge Door Before Opening It...

Just in case there's a salad dressing.

πŸ‘︎ 99
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I always knock on the fridge door before opening it

Just in case there's a salad dressing.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/araitisaname
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I always knock on the fridge before opening it

Just in case there is a salad dressing.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cris0613
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I always knock before opening the fridge

Just in case there is a salad dressing

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Wornsy21
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I always knock on the fridge door before opening it...

there might be a salad dressing.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gabriel_osi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I always knock on the fridge before opening it

Just in case there’s a salad dressing

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dgpx89
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I always knock before opening the fridgerator

....in case the salad is dressing :)

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tmay7
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I always knock on my fridge before opening the door

Just in case there's a salad dressing

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/teletubbiehubbie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do you always know ask on the fridge before opening it?

Just in case there is a salad dressing.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ankitk2909
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I always knock on the fridge door before opening it

Just in case there's a salad dressing.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_beatnik_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
The re-opening of Lego stores was a big event

Really

Oh yeah, people were lined up for blocks

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/toolaroola12
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
The re-opening of LEGO stores in 2020 was a big deal

People were lined up for blocks.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report

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