True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.

"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."

Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jewyouevenlift
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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You get nowhere in life without taking a Risk, officer.

That’s why I robbed the board game store.

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AkoVendettaOSRS
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
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Why did Bruce Lee get scared by his cousin from Sudan? Because cousin SudanLee appeared out of nowhere.
πŸ‘︎ 305
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πŸ‘€︎ u/osksama1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
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Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.

He’s my spirit guide.

Edit: Thanks guys.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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I was peacefully eating my Chinese soup, until a guy came out of nowhere and flipped the bowl, spilling my soup everywhere and ruining my meal.

This was an act of wonton destruction.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePainTra1n96
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
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I was texting this nun and things were getting pretty hot and heavy. Then out of nowhere she stopped replying.

I still can’t believe she holy ghosted me

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlippySlappers
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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I was taking a walk this morning and this shrubbery came out of nowhere!

It was an AM bush

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

πŸ‘︎ 144
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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I bought one of those early 2000s robot dogs but have nowhere to charge it

I need to find a pug socket

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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What is in the middle of nowhere?

h

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotReallyTyler
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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So this guy with premature ejaculation comes out of nowhere reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rahulagrawal97
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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An essay had a picture of a young sheep. Nowhere did the writer cite where he got it from.

Where's the lamb source!?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CoruscareGames
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
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A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me

It was a ram-done act of violence

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Timmy_O-Llugh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
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So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere... reddit.com/r/3amjokes/com…
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TNMYSNGL
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2018
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A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist

It died on my watch

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Groooovinshiz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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I just randomly stumbled across a place that sells random little things in the middle of nowhere

It was quite bazaar

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBritishSnob
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2018
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How did the sniper get drunk even though he was nowhere near any alcohol?

It was those long distance shots

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BunzarTheFuzzy
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
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I'm nowhere close to being a Dad and I just pulled this on a friend. I'm excited for my future. imgur.com/gP1NdsK
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lukamikudesu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2013
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I’m opening a gas station in the middle of nowhere...

Fuel and far between.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/garshopolis
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2018
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So I entered my pet moth Effy in a flying race... I was so proud of her... She was in the lead the entire race! But just before the finish, another moth came out of nowhere and flew past her at the finish line to win...

Have you ever seen a moth bawl?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JaymantheLegend
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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I was talking to my uncle about building a PC, and we got into an argument about how much RAM was sufficient...my dad, out of nowhere popped this pearler

"Ive got a problem with my RAM...

...It's Missing a horn."

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adjudicator52
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2014
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Got hit with this one out of nowhere at the Mother's Day BBQ

Bf's dad: Did you know that every can of beans only has two hundred and thirty nine beans?

Me: Oh really?

Bf's dad: Yeah, if there were one more they'd be too farty.

...Didn't even see that one comin'.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notthemonth
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2017
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He got me out of nowhere.

It just happened, and it may not be the best, but it was just so perfect I had to share. Father comes out of the laundry room, holding a penny. He shows it to me, and says we have to hide it from the cops. I, while drinking my fine cranberry juice, stop and ask why the hell that would be necessary. Without hesitation, he says we can't keep it, because it's laundered money. Halp..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Braindead_Poet
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2014
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Boss just made a dad joke out of nowhere

I sent an email to all the department managers seeking approval for a particular process change, and the last line was

>If you agree, please reply all and say β€œApproved” or β€œI agree” or something to that effect

My direct boss immediately replies with

>Approved by [his initials] or β€œI agree” or something to that effect

Happy Friday!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrankMcDank
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2014
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My dad just insulted me out of nowhere with a pun.

My dad: "Hey, did you know that you're a dick? You're a dick because you're my son. I'm John. You're a Johnson."

Old man just burned me out of nowhere!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ErdricktheRoto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2015
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My Dad cracked this one out of nowhere

How do you make a Venetian blind?

Poke him in the eyes.

everybody around groans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jorda_n
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2015
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Im getting nowhere with my dad's Christmas list...

Me: "What do you want for Christmas?"

Dad: "A sweater always works...although I do have your mother and she sweats enough for both of us!!!!!"

This was through text message, so yes all those exclamation points are necessary.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SiriuslyPadfoot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2014
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Nowhere near original but I got a slow head turn reaction

Girlfriend reading article on phone.

I comment "what is this guy holding in the photo?"

She says "mushrooms"

I said "wow". They were huge mushrooms.

She says "Yeah this guy has found a way to cultivate natural pesticides from fungi and has a patent too"

My response "Wow. He seems like a really fun guy!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PM_COFFEE_TO_ME
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2015
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Engineer's life going nowhere

Today in statics class, statics being studying things assuming there is no motion:

"[Teacher's Name] Do you ever feel like your life isn't going anywhere?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dixie_1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2015
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