"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
That’s why I robbed the board game store.
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
This was an act of wonton destruction.
I still can’t believe she holy ghosted me
It was an AM bush
It’s a vicious cycle.
I need to find a pug socket
Where's the lamb source!?
It was a ram-done act of violence
It died on my watch
It was quite bazaar
It was those long distance shots
Fuel and far between.
Have you ever seen a moth bawl?
"Ive got a problem with my RAM...
...It's Missing a horn."
Bf's dad: Did you know that every can of beans only has two hundred and thirty nine beans?
Me: Oh really?
Bf's dad: Yeah, if there were one more they'd be too farty.
...Didn't even see that one comin'.
It just happened, and it may not be the best, but it was just so perfect I had to share. Father comes out of the laundry room, holding a penny. He shows it to me, and says we have to hide it from the cops. I, while drinking my fine cranberry juice, stop and ask why the hell that would be necessary. Without hesitation, he says we can't keep it, because it's laundered money. Halp..
I sent an email to all the department managers seeking approval for a particular process change, and the last line was
>If you agree, please reply all and say “Approved” or “I agree” or something to that effect
My direct boss immediately replies with
>Approved by [his initials] or “I agree” or something to that effect
Happy Friday!
My dad: "Hey, did you know that you're a dick? You're a dick because you're my son. I'm John. You're a Johnson."
Old man just burned me out of nowhere!
How do you make a Venetian blind?
Poke him in the eyes.
everybody around groans
Me: "What do you want for Christmas?"
Dad: "A sweater always works...although I do have your mother and she sweats enough for both of us!!!!!"
This was through text message, so yes all those exclamation points are necessary.
Girlfriend reading article on phone.
I comment "what is this guy holding in the photo?"
She says "mushrooms"
I said "wow". They were huge mushrooms.
She says "Yeah this guy has found a way to cultivate natural pesticides from fungi and has a patent too"
My response "Wow. He seems like a really fun guy!"
