But they're out of "The Shallows" now
But she still won't admit she framed me.
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline...
He says he can't complain
He wanted to be hermitically sealed.
They are my raisin d'etre...
Global chaos ensues.
The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
So I had to ground him.
I was in the mall with my family. A guy is in the mall with a pair of jumper cables (Legit jumper cables in the mall and I don’t know why) he got on the escalator ahead of me. I tapped him on the shoulder and told him, “Hey, don’t try to start anything in here”
He's a jack of all trades, master of naan.
I said, “Well sweetie, that’s nice, but I just can’t see you and your friends shoveling manure for a living.”
To which she replied, “Oh no? I thought you said that I could be president if I wanted to!”
Eventually we drifted apart.
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
I have to make every second Count.
He was ice elated.
European
They make the Muscovit
A chicken tender.
Because if it also lived in the south pole it would be bipolar
We had to part ways though, they were getting too clingy for my tastes.
Because they’re made of cells
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
Gotta be Low key
I think she means well.
Dr. Sanity Claws
If they lived by the bay, they'd be baygulls
Because it's inhothpitable.
I think I've done well sofa
The guy behind the counter said to my dad, "Are you going to put it up yourself?".
Dad replied, "Don't be disgusting, I'm going to put it in the living room."
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus
Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Plagued with Halitosis.
A boo-ger
At Tensylvania.
Then European.
She's nun the wiser!
He was really bummed...
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
It’s better to be honest, I just want to be transparent
That makes me a SLUT resident
He always drank right from the bottle.
Because he's still alive
Because pepper makes them sneeze
It’s my secret ‘stache.
Wombmates.
Well, there are a lot of good reasons, but the flag is a big plus.
The lunch bag of Notre Dame
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk”
“Madagascar?”
“No, I made a diesel van”
Hes known as the bi-polar bi-polar bi polar bear.
Gaining 25 pounds is a good thing there.
Worcestershire
"I Reddit."
He doesn't get paid much, but at least he gets to keep all the tips.
He said "Si"
A frog. They croak every night.
"Me and my recliner go way back."
If so, our lives must be scripted.
so me and the wife are moving to Manhattan under the condition that whichever one of us is the millionaire will split the money with the other one
He's been hospitalized, his condition is listed as stable.
I killed him and the judge gave me 60!
I just don't think I can live with myself after hearing that.
The bartender says, “that’ll be $20.20”
You know. “Cause spiders are naturally good web designers.”
Me: Sure, because when they send email, they don’t care if you’re up.
Missssissssipi
He got hit by a 4x4.
Your neighbours.
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
... they could call themselves "The Cairo Chiro".
It's dead quiet.
Now that's what I call structural integrity
So I killed him and the judge gave me 50 years instead
Apocalipstick
But after our 4th child got run over, we decided to move into a house.
but sadly we drifted apart.
my neighbors hate my neigh-boars
When people meet him, they just find Himalayan there
In the purrgatory.
Well, the flag's a big plus
