The folks who live in my town aren’t allowed to be buried in the old cemetery on the edge of town.

Mostly because they’re not dead yet.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Panthropoly
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started dating the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

πŸ‘︎ 655
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
NASA scientists say it may be possible to live on Mars.

What a load of rubbish, I tried it and now I'm five stones heavier and diabetic.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PanixATK
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity.

Desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘︎ 744
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a sorceress that lives on the beach?

A sandwitch

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rohlnik
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I have a plan to live on two bucks for the whole next year.

Step 1: get a hunting license.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aaanold
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My son kept chewing on live electrical wires

So I had to ground him.

πŸ‘︎ 821
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/afranc72
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a vengeful Australian spell caster who lives on the beach?

A vege-smite sand witch!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rivethart
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems

But the beach ain't one

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of house do ninja turtles live in when they go on vacation from living in the sewers and fighting crime?

A cowabungalow

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zeke_Smith
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't cats live on mars

Curiosity

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Aqeel01
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the man who lost his home and had to live on the streets?

He was really bummed...

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_narrow_road
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a group of horses and male swine that live on a farm nearby?

Your neighbours.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TsundereMan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Ever heard of the polar bear that lives on both north & south poles, is manic depressive and attracted to both sexes?

Hes known as the bi-polar bi-polar bi polar bear.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
We used to live on a very busy main road.

But after our 4th child got run over, we decided to move into a house.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife (we both live in the US): I have to make sure my work phone is on do not disturb mode before bed so I don’t get email notifications from co-workers in our office in Europe.

Me: Sure, because when they send email, they don’t care if you’re up.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMetheThree
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I live alone on a lake

It's Erie.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between an Oklahoman marsupial and a conspirator who lives on the moon?

One is a Sooner lemur and the other is a lunar schemer.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tomato_soup_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cactus that lives on Sesame Street?

Prickle me Elmo

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/duckparrot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
🚨︎ report
"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"

"Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2017
🚨︎ report
What Star Wars character lives on the beach?

Sando Calrissian

Courtesy of my 11 year old brother. He came up with a pretty clever dad joke

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Killer_Queen394
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does Darth Vader live in a castle on Mustafar and not in the capital?

Because he does not like coarse sand.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Werschweinchen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I live in an apartment building, and my neighbour, Nami, on the floor above me, managed to flood my entire apartment! There are practically tidal waves in my kitchen. She refuses to pay for the cleanup, too.

I don't know if this was the right choice, but I decided to tsunami.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KasenPringle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My son keeps chewing on the live electric wires...as a parent, I handled it...

I told him he’s grounded.

πŸ‘︎ 200
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BalenTheWeeb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a tick that lives on the moon?

A lunatic.

πŸ‘︎ 558
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DestroyerCrusher
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2017
🚨︎ report
What planet does a seal live on?

EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HvlfWxy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
🚨︎ report
It’s hot where we live. Wife was lamenting on how we don’t have A/C.

I said β€œHoney, we don’t need that modern technology,” pointing at the ceiling fan I continued, β€œWhen we’ve got something that’s revolutionary.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mydoingthisright
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did Bilbo live on for so long even after Frodo took the One Ring away from him?

Because old hobbits die hard!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/amateur_raconteur
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
🚨︎ report
When you really want to live life on the edge and be healthy
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thundergil4465
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Watching bears fish for salmon in Alaska live on YouTube when my GF asks what I'm watching.

"A live stream."

πŸ‘︎ 412
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/youhitdacanadien
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a woman who lives on top of a house?

Ruth

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RedLMR56
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a conspiracy theory blood sucker that lives on the moon?

A lunar tick.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGrimBleeper
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Sheep either die a gyro, or live short enough to become the veal-on...
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PENAPENATV
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2018
🚨︎ report
They have found an animal that lives both on the north and south pole

Sadly, it has a natural mental disorder.

It's a bi-polar bear

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ZombiesAtHome
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
🚨︎ report
What kind of street does the Pink Panther live on?

Dead end, dead end, dead end dead end dead end dead end dead eeeeeend.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/merlindog15
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
🚨︎ report
I live in an old neighborhood with a 100 year old oak tree. One day every year, all the kids in the neighborhood put all their boy/girl scout badges on the tree. One day, I wonder why the kids do this. So, I called up my dad to ask him, and he said...

"Oh, it's just a badge oak."

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kabirmain
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2017
🚨︎ report
I let a homeless mouse live on my clock for a few weeks while he pulls his life back together

He’s living on borrowed time

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dhjsnsennd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
🚨︎ report
When the Offspring play live they all perform on a partitioned stage...

Cause, "You gotta keep 'em separated!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterManiacal
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.

Global chaos ensues.

The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started seeing the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
In my twenties, I used to live on a houseboat, and started seeing the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
When I was in college, I used to live on a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report
"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, but it's not your turn Scooby!"

πŸ‘︎ 197
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report

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