But the beach ain't one
Global chaos ensues.
The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
So I had to ground him.
Eventually we drifted apart.
He was really bummed...
Hes known as the bi-polar bi-polar bi polar bear.
Me: Sure, because when they send email, they don’t care if you’re up.
Your neighbours.
But after our 4th child got run over, we decided to move into a house.
One is a Sooner lemur and the other is a lunar schemer.
Prickle me Elmo
Sando Calrissian
Courtesy of my 11 year old brother. He came up with a pretty clever dad joke
"We know you know the answer, but it's not your turn Scooby!"
Hearing that lifted a weight off my chest.
I don't know if this was the right choice, but I decided to tsunami.
Do they kiss my mother with that mouth?
Because he does not like coarse sand.
I said “Honey, we don’t need that modern technology,” pointing at the ceiling fan I continued, “When we’ve got something that’s revolutionary.”
Because old hobbits die hard!
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF
Ruth
I told him he’s grounded.
A lunatic.
A lunar tick.
"A live stream."
Sadly, it has a natural mental disorder.
It's a bi-polar bear
Dead end, dead end, dead end dead end dead end dead end dead eeeeeend.
He’s living on borrowed time
Cause, "You gotta keep 'em separated!"
Because it’s Chile...
"Oh, it's just a badge oak."
As if they had nothing Toulouse.
I haven't slept since last year, and I'm EXHAUSTED!
The beef cattle farmer thought it was a silly policy and would greatly reduce his income from selling meat overseas....
The pig farmer disagreed, he thought it was a great opportunity for livestock farmers to benefit from higher profit margins in a strong domestic market with fewer overheads.
Feeling very passionate after a few beers, the beef farmer says to the pig farmer:
“This time in 12 months, the government will have repealed this policy because it’s such a terrible idea... in fact, I’m willing to bet on it. If I’m wrong, and they don’t repeal it, I’ll give you my prized cow, Daisy. But if I’m right, and they do repeal it, you have to give me free bacon for a year”.
The pig farmer is confident that the policy will be a success and won’t be repealed. So he says “deal”.
The beef farmer carries on:
“Actually, I think this policy is going to be such a terrible failure that I’ll need to sell half of my cows to stay afloat... in fact, I’m willing to bet on it. If I’m wrong, and this policy doesn’t mean I need to sell half my cows, I’ll give you free steaks for a year. But if I’m right, and I do need to sell half my cows, you have to give me your prized boar, pumba”.
The pig farmer is confident that the beef farmer won’t need to sell any cows. So he says “deal”.
12 months pass following the introduction of the live export ban. The government hasn’t repealed the policy, but unfortunately the beef farmer has had to sell most of his cows.
Both farmers reconvene at the pub. The beef farmer says to the pig farmer:
“Well, it seems you were right about one thing but wrong about the other...
So... You may have won the cattle, but you’ve lost the boar!”.
Hibearnation
Goa way 😏
The gravity has got me so depressed.
I got a text from her the other day that said "dad went outside to sweep up and he just referred to himself as 'sweeping beauty."'
It has a "no outlet" sign.
She said, "Sir, would you like me to box the rest of your meal for you?".
"Why, yes you can box it. Personally, I've always enjoyed wrestling more".
Rue Dolph
https://imgur.com/gallery/FUQIG
...and never worry about the Fall
A few of my friends were talking to each other over XBox live about my friends dog, who recently had surgery.
One of my friends asks: "where did your dog have surgery?"
I replied: "hopefully at the hospital"
Pops: Hey, do they have fourth of July over there in Austria?
Me: I don't really know
Pops: Well, it's probably on July fourth.
Me: "What's that big black spot out on the water?" Mom: "I think that's a flock of ducks grouped together." Dad: "The technical name is an iceburd."
Eventually we drifted apart.
Eventually we drifted apart.
"Rhino!"
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
I haven't slept since last year and I'm EXHAUSTED!
