Someone told me as a kid that huge reptiles reside in the sewers...

What a croc of shit that turned out to be.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikaosol
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2015
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The Egyptian government has asked Cairo’s taxi drivers to drive around and sound their horns in the hope that familiar sounds will help calm the residents following the pandemic.

Operation Toot And Calm β€˜Em will last a week.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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What do you call a gay couple from Alabama?

Super Smash Bros.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BX56_YT
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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I get it, you hated him 4 years ago ...

... and you still hate him now. But now he's an official resident of Florida and I may see him differently now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him. Yes, there have been some scandals. Yes, there have been some lies and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time. Call it jealously, call it envy. Some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has. They could even be jealous that he's got a hot, foreign model as his wife. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it. I know it'll possibly get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eaglehawk2011
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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The local seniors care home rejected my offer to speak to residents about the advantages of being young in far-eastern countries...

apparently it is not "appropriate" to talk to residents about the benefits of youth in asia.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sludgemonkey01
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
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What do you call a southern Pennsylvania resident who won’t pay for his local food specialty

A Philly cheapskate

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πŸ‘€︎ u/U_Haim
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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I lived in Salt Lake Utah

That makes me a SLUT resident

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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My apartment complex issues frog-shaped parking stickers to its residents

Because all others will be toad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/garboooge
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I wish the Master Sword could be used as a cell phone for Link.

At least there'd be a one-time only Fi...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElsaFrozen2013
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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What do residents of the Shire use for birth control?

Anything, really, as long as it's non-Hobbit-forming.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bramley
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2016
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A resident in my building said: "The mulch around those trees should help retard weed growth."

My reply was "I'm sure Weed Growth's parents would prefer to refer to them as developmentally delayed."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sunfistkid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2017
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Why does Alaska give its residents free money?

Because they don't want anyone left out in the cold

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marzhall
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
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How did the battery know the letter was for him?

It was addressed to current resident!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
🚨︎ report
The retirement center where my elderly grandmother lives has an annual 4th-of-July ball for the residents.

We call it "In Depends Dance Day."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoGators2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2016
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If there was a city of nothing but hip hop artists where all of the residents were informal or unconventional, promoting new age ideals...

it would be a bohemian rap city.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/reddidendrite
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2015
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Got Dadjoked by a resident at work today

I work at a retirement home. I was in our dementia unit this morning, about to give a gentleman his AM meds. I asked him: "How are you feeling today?"

He replied: "With my hands."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BluBabe1981
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2014
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Hanging out in a public lounge in my residence hall when suddenly...

A good friend of mine walked in and told me that he had to study for an algorithms final exam in the morning.

I responded that I heard that class wasn't very difficult, isn't that just a class where former presidential candidate Al Gore shows up and lays down some beats for a few minutes?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fergmasterflash
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2014
🚨︎ report
My mom is the resident dad joker.

Every time my dad and I ask her to "give us a hand" with something, she just starts clapping. She thinks it's hysterical every time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rocknrollnerd3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2013
🚨︎ report
Holmes: "Is that mud on your boots?" Watson: "No, shit, Sherlock"

Holmes: "Is that comforter on your bed?" Watson: "No, sheet, Sherlock"

Holmes: "Is that a long note on your desk?" Watson: "No, chit, Sherlock"

Holmes: "Is that your residence?" Watson: "No, shed, Sherlock"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I left home for medical school down in the caribbean. My dad said if I ever get lonely, I'll always have someone to talk to on the island, and he gave me this.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clancy1001
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
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My brother in law just moved to Canada

He can’t work until he gets his permanent residency.

My wife said, β€œmaybe he could move pianos for cash, under the table.”

Her dad said, β€œit’s hard enough moving pianos, hows he going to move them under a table?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unmentionable123
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
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Did you hear about Godzilla in Korea?

Residents described events as Seoul-crushing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/K3R3G3
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2016
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Satan's Wig Shop

I hear Satan is planning on opening a wig shop down in Hell. Makes sense, that fire probably does a number on Hell residents' hairpieces. I wonder what he'll name it? Perhaps there could be Hell Toupee.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vikesfanben28
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2017
🚨︎ report
First Dad Joke. - I got my 92 year old Grandmother at the nursing home with this one.

My wife and I brought our new daughter to meet my grandmother who lives in a nursing home in another state. This nursing home has a cat and two dogs that also reside there. I only saw one of the dogs, but my grandmother told me that the other one has no tail. I asked "why not?" she said "It's mother bit the tail off." - I said "What a bitch!" It took a moment, then she said. "She IS a bitch." - We both laughed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/libertydan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2016
🚨︎ report
He got a bug

I work at an assisted living facility and the other day they were going to be spraying my unit for bed bugs (preventatively). But on the day the exterminator called out sick, and as I was going around informing residents one grinned and said β€œHe got a bug”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/polkinator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2018
🚨︎ report
So there's a cemetery next to a block of flats.

Why aren't the residents of that block of flats allowed to be buried in that cemetery?

Because they're not dead

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nobba77
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2017
🚨︎ report
A patient was admitted to the ICU last night.

The patient's neurological status was terrible last night when she came in. By morning, she looked much better and was able to communicate with us. While rounding on our patients, the attending asked the resident if the patient looked that much different the night before.

"Oh yeah, it was like night and day."

"Well I know it was night and day, but what about the patient?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bhatbhai
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2015
🚨︎ report
Got dadjoked trying to golf.

In reference to trying to play Bethpage Black

Me: you're a New York resident, so you can book a tee time 7 days in advance.

Roommate: Does the tee time work for multiple people?

Me: yes.

Roommate: So, we can have a tee party?

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2014
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Witnessed my first real dad joke at the nursing home where I work. Told by The Grand Master of Dad Jokes himself.

In the dining room during lunch after giving my elder residents desert which was Angel food cake, everyone noticed that the cake was very flat and thin.

One of the ladies said "This is no angel food cake, this is...."

Without missing a beat, this old man with a patch on his right eye interrupts the little old woman and says at the top of his lungs in a raspy, yet clear tone , "I'll tell you what this is!. It's a fallen angel!"

Everyone in the dining room laughed uncontrollably. Not him. He just shakes his head and digs into the cake.

I immediately thought of you guys.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JxWayne
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2014
🚨︎ report
I need some giraffe puns!

Hi, everyone! A while back, I won a large stuffed giraffe in a contest, and it's just been sitting in my basement ever since. However, I've decided to use it to ask a girl to prom. My friends all know me as the resident pun aficionado, so I figured writing out a cute way of asking alongside it would work well. I'm struggling to come up with something, so I was wondering if you guys had any quality giraffe or neck puns I could use. Thanks in advance!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EtherealProphet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2015
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i need help fellow r/puns residents i need to come up with 80’s themed puns for a veggie tray and chocolate mouse

Edit: I was not born in the 80’s I will not get any of the references

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yaboi_15
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
🚨︎ report

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