Incestry DNA
Operation Toot And Calm ‘Em will last a week.
apparently it is not "appropriate" to talk to residents about the benefits of youth in asia.
A Philly cheapskate
Because all others will be toad
Anything, really, as long as it's non-Hobbit-forming.
My reply was "I'm sure Weed Growth's parents would prefer to refer to them as developmentally delayed."
Because they don't want anyone left out in the cold
We call it "In Depends Dance Day."
it would be a bohemian rap city.
I work at a retirement home. I was in our dementia unit this morning, about to give a gentleman his AM meds. I asked him: "How are you feeling today?"
He replied: "With my hands."
Every time my dad and I ask her to "give us a hand" with something, she just starts clapping. She thinks it's hysterical every time.
Shoe fly don't bother me.
Super Smash Bros.
Called Mount Rushmore
Dubai residents don't like to watch the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do!
... and you still hate him now. But now he's an official resident of Florida and I may see him differently now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him. Yes, there have been some scandals. Yes, there have been some lies and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time. Call it jealously, call it envy. Some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has. They could even be jealous that he's got a hot, foreign model as his wife. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it. I know it'll possibly get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay.
That makes me a SLUT resident
What a croc of shit that turned out to be.
It was addressed to current resident!
Current Resident
A good friend of mine walked in and told me that he had to study for an algorithms final exam in the morning.
I responded that I heard that class wasn't very difficult, isn't that just a class where former presidential candidate Al Gore shows up and lays down some beats for a few minutes?
At least there'd be a one-time only Fi...
Holmes: "Is that comforter on your bed?" Watson: "No, sheet, Sherlock"
Holmes: "Is that a long note on your desk?" Watson: "No, chit, Sherlock"
Holmes: "Is that your residence?" Watson: "No, shed, Sherlock"
Residents described events as Seoul-crushing.
He can’t work until he gets his permanent residency.
My wife said, “maybe he could move pianos for cash, under the table.”
Her dad said, “it’s hard enough moving pianos, hows he going to move them under a table?”
I hear Satan is planning on opening a wig shop down in Hell. Makes sense, that fire probably does a number on Hell residents' hairpieces. I wonder what he'll name it? Perhaps there could be Hell Toupee.
I work at an assisted living facility and the other day they were going to be spraying my unit for bed bugs (preventatively). But on the day the exterminator called out sick, and as I was going around informing residents one grinned and said “He got a bug”
Why aren't the residents of that block of flats allowed to be buried in that cemetery?
Because they're not dead
The patient's neurological status was terrible last night when she came in. By morning, she looked much better and was able to communicate with us. While rounding on our patients, the attending asked the resident if the patient looked that much different the night before.
"Oh yeah, it was like night and day."
"Well I know it was night and day, but what about the patient?"
My wife and I brought our new daughter to meet my grandmother who lives in a nursing home in another state. This nursing home has a cat and two dogs that also reside there. I only saw one of the dogs, but my grandmother told me that the other one has no tail. I asked "why not?" she said "It's mother bit the tail off." - I said "What a bitch!" It took a moment, then she said. "She IS a bitch." - We both laughed.
In reference to trying to play Bethpage Black
Me: you're a New York resident, so you can book a tee time 7 days in advance.
Roommate: Does the tee time work for multiple people?
Me: yes.
Roommate: So, we can have a tee party?
In the dining room during lunch after giving my elder residents desert which was Angel food cake, everyone noticed that the cake was very flat and thin.
One of the ladies said "This is no angel food cake, this is...."
Without missing a beat, this old man with a patch on his right eye interrupts the little old woman and says at the top of his lungs in a raspy, yet clear tone , "I'll tell you what this is!. It's a fallen angel!"
Everyone in the dining room laughed uncontrollably. Not him. He just shakes his head and digs into the cake.
I immediately thought of you guys.
Edit: I was not born in the 80’s I will not get any of the references
Hi, everyone! A while back, I won a large stuffed giraffe in a contest, and it's just been sitting in my basement ever since. However, I've decided to use it to ask a girl to prom. My friends all know me as the resident pun aficionado, so I figured writing out a cute way of asking alongside it would work well. I'm struggling to come up with something, so I was wondering if you guys had any quality giraffe or neck puns I could use. Thanks in advance!
