Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper used to give away copies of horror films starring Blake Lively...
But they're out of "The Shallows" now
Being a Mortitian is crap... it's not very lively, pretty much dead all the time.
I don’t even like Pokémon just live puns
Long live Rudolph the red
What do you call a polar bear living in Florida?
A solar bear
Bonus: what do you call a bear that practices dentistry?
A molar bear
How can I get someone to hang out with me, laugh at each other’s jokes, and maybe share some fun platonic experiences together throughout our lives?
What’s the difference between the police response to Black Lives Matter protests and their response to the Capitol Hill riots?
Well, it’s black and white.
Lance is an uncommon name nowdays
But in mediaeval times people were called lance a lot
I pine fir the good oak days, when it was poplar to spruce up the living room with a real tree.
Guess they should read the bio next time
Chinese take out: 8 dollars. Tip: 2 dollars. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order...
NASA scientists say it may be possible to live on Mars.
What a load of rubbish, I tried it and now I'm five stones heavier and diabetic.
In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity.
Desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
I make Christmas wreaths for a living. So I decided I would make one out of 100 dollar bills the other day.
I call it a wreath of Franklin.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
I used to dig trenches under roads for a living
but I had to quit because it was just boring.
So if a bird lives by the sea it’s a seagull. If it lives by the bay it’s bagel.
So if it’s covered in slime, is it a googull?
What's The Best Part Of Living In Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!
Fact: A single ant live about 29 years
Question: What about Married one?
Why are all archeologists depressed?
Because their lives are in ruins
My daughter was telling me about 'live streaming' and twitch...
Wow was I relieved to find out she wasn't going into the boys room to use the urinal.
Me: So, what do you do for a living? Ornithologist: Well, I’m an ornithologist.
Me: Oh, really? Knock, knock!
Ornithologist: Who’s there?
Me: Woodpeckers.
Ornithologist: Woodpeckers who?
Me: No, that’s the owl. And you call yourself an ornithologist?
Steve Irwin died the way he lived -
- with animals in his heart.
I used to live paycheck to paycheck...
....but now that I'm older and better established, I live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I'm never leaving a living will.
As soon as my foot falls asleep, my wife's going to declare me brain dead.
I just found out that my friend lives a secret life as a priest.
How does an amnesiac artist make a living?
I have a plan to live on two bucks for the whole next year.
Step 1: get a hunting license.
My wife tells me I have 2 major faults,
I don't listen - and something else.
After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.
But she still won't admit she framed me.
My grandfather lived for 96 years & he never used glasses.
He directly drinks from the bottle.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
I have recently been made homeless and have to live in my car...
...Now every room is the living vroom
We live in Colorado and took my son outside today to play hide and seek for the first time. I pointed at the Rockies, looked him dead in the eye and said, "Under no circumstances can we allow them to play!" Confused, he ask why, so I explained, "Well, you see...
*while my dad and I drive past a cemetery*
Dad: "Did you know that the people who live in this town aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery?"
Me: "Oh, why?"
Dad: "Cuz they're still alive."
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Why did the bear leave the forest he was living in?
Because it was unbearable to live there anymore...
I find it really hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells seashells by the sea shore.
I don't know what to wear to the living room New Year's Eve
What’s the difference between a live pyre and a dead pyre?
I'm going to live forever
Why did the living door fall over?
He was knocked unconscious!
Hugh Jackman is making a live action Frosty movie where he joins the circus!
It’s called The Greatest Snowman.
Why is it illegal to do reverse cowgirl in Alabama?
Because you don’t turn your back on family.
What do you call a guy who lives in a hole ?
What do you call an elf that lives in New York City?
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