Lawn mower Puns

all manner of scary, haunting things are happening to me. I may have a poultrygeist.

He just couldn't cut it.

..Told him that my old one just wasnting cutting it.

(Neighbor approved)

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...

"I'm fine!! I'm just going through a rough patch!"

He was growing through a rough patch.

It just could no longer make the cut.

The one I got isn't cutting it.

Me: I like shopping here.

Wife: Yeah?

Me: Yeah, there's so much mower selection.

Wife: ....

Me: :D

He would say "Don't come running to me if you get your legs cut off!".

My face is fine now, but the lawn is taking forever to finish.

I told him he fought the lawn and the lawn won.

It won't be long now.

Ted Allen said this dad joke on Chopped and this older cowboy chef knew the punchline. He must have kids.

...I think I'll name him Bill

I tried my gas-powered trimmer, which is normally up to the task, but I couldn't cut through them.

I tried using my mower to tear them up, but it couldn't make a dent.

I got out the manual tree branch trimmer to try to take out some of the bigger stalks, but I just couldn't cut through.

Finally, I got out my chainsaw, and even then, the thicket just clogged it up & wouldn't go down.

I give up.

I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.

My Dad loves to tell this joke when he meets new people. When he met my fiance, I led him into it and he took the bait seamlessly.

"I went out to check my mail and saw my neighbor mowing his lawn. As I was going back inside, I heard the mower mess up and him screaming. I ran over and saw he had run over his foot. It was terrible, he had been wearing flip flops. His big toe was cut off and his foot was very bloody. I immediately called 911, then yelled for my wife to help. I used my shirt to wrap up his bloody foot up and saw that his big toe was lying a few feet away in the grass clippings. I told my wife to bring me our cooler with an ice pack, then I put the toe in the cooler. A few minutes later the ambulance arrived, and they rushed him off to the hospital. I was quite relieved but as I turned to go back inside, I realized the EMTs forgot the cooler."

At this point he pauses for a long time, and the listener invariably cries, "What did you do!?"

He takes a moment, and calmly responds, 'Well, I called a tow truck!"

My friend of mine is a new dad and lives on a farm. He has some cattle that are free to roam around the yard. He calls them his "auto-moo-tic" lawn mowers.

He's gonna be a fine dad.

He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.