With special guest star.
ποΈ 17
π
οΈ May 16 2020
If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction
ποΈ 576
π
οΈ Nov 17 2019
Guest
Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Apr 07 2020
Motel guests in room Q say they used to see him cheating on his wife...
ποΈ 13
π
οΈ Feb 06 2020
ποΈ 13
π
οΈ Jan 31 2020
Guest speaker
ποΈ 38
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οΈ Oct 26 2019
A hen asks her guests what they'd like to drink.
"Tea," says the mouse.
"Water," says the giraffe.
"Pop," goes the weasel.
ποΈ 9
π
οΈ Nov 16 2019
Did you know Def Leppard's drummer makes the best Thanksgiving guest?
He only ever needs one drumstick.
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Nov 23 2019
I guess the food is more fluid with the guests
ποΈ 43
π
οΈ Mar 27 2019
βͺI mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a π². Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa. β¬
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Jun 30 2019
My neighbor had a BBQ party, and some guest threw a grill at his face.
The attack made headlines.
ποΈ 132
π
οΈ Mar 10 2019
How does the houseboat owner greet his guests?
βWelcome to my humble a-boat.β
ποΈ 3
π
οΈ Jul 30 2019
How do bees welcome their guests?
ποΈ 66
π
οΈ Feb 26 2019
The guests in this hotel are always stealing all the soaps, shower gels and shampoos from their rooms...
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Apr 27 2019
A drunk guest returns to his hotel and says to the clerk "Hi. I've forgotten what room I'm in."
Clerk responds, "No problem, sir. This room is called 'The Lobby'"
ποΈ 83
π
οΈ Nov 06 2018
Guest speaker and his friend mike..
ποΈ 335
π
οΈ Oct 21 2014
[totally true story just happened to me:] *the setup* staying in an airbnb... another guest arrives, he is a neuro-surgeon from south korea... interviewing at UCSF - I built that hosptial, so said to him
Wow, neuro-surgeon huh... I'd like to pick your brain....
He did not get it...
(those type of pun opportunities dont come to mind that often...) ((another one bitches))
ποΈ 9
π
οΈ Apr 27 2017
A guest asked about our selection of grilled veggies
Fiancee: Let's see: summer squash...
Me: ...and some aren't!
ποΈ 1k
π
οΈ Jun 06 2016
ποΈ 5
π
οΈ Jun 25 2018
A house guest comments on the number of umbrellas we have at home...
"We're saving them for a rainy day."
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Apr 22 2018
Each year I serve my Christmas guests Eggs Benedict plated on hubcaps...
...because there's no place like chrome for the hollandaise.
ποΈ 4
π
οΈ Dec 01 2016
It was my father's funeral today and my brother has been going round all the guests trying to tell them about his new fish and herbs recipe...
I eventually pulled him over and said "c'mon dude, there's a thyme and a plaice" but this is not it!
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Jun 19 2017
I finished mowing the lawn just before the first guests arrived for our party.
I didn't realize I was cutting it close.
ποΈ 4
π
οΈ Sep 07 2017
A guest at the restaurant I work at told me the daddest joke I've ever heard
I was walking by with a jar of olives when he told me:
"You know that was Santa's eighth reindeer, right?"
Me:"Umm, Olive?"
Him:"Yeah, you know the song! ..and olive the other reindeer laughed and called Rudolph names!"
ποΈ 12
π
οΈ May 30 2017
What did the waiter at the Japanese restaurant say to the guest when he accidentally served the wrong soup?
ποΈ 4
π
οΈ Aug 19 2017
A waiter approached his guest and asked if he was still working on his plate of food
He responded, "No, sir, its the weekend."
ποΈ 6
π
οΈ Mar 28 2017
The Prime Minister of Japan is meeting with the US President today and Trump told him that if he would spend the night, he'd rename the guest room after him.
The Shinzo Abe Lincoln Bedroom.
ποΈ 9
π
οΈ Feb 10 2017
We should have a guest comedian come on here
We could all make jokes at his/her expense - it would be AMAzing
ποΈ 6
π
οΈ Jan 22 2015
This was my Dad's favourite with house guests....
Points to ceiling fan
"This is my biggest fan."
ποΈ 53
π
οΈ Oct 18 2013
Any guests at your Airbnb?
Me: Yeah, a Brazilian guy
Him: That's a lot of guys!
ποΈ 3
π
οΈ Nov 24 2016
Can you do feta? Brie my guest.
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Jul 29 2014
Guest got me at work
I was working in electronics at a local big box store, when this guy comes in and asks where the new Adele CD is. So, I start looking.
Me: Now if I were adele, where would I be...?
Him: Probably in a deli.
ποΈ 7
π
οΈ Dec 08 2015
My dad always brings this one out when guests are over
A guy visiting Australia gets hit by a car and is taken to the ER unconscious. When he comes to, lying on a stretcher, he asks the porter, "Was I brought here to die?".
The porter replies, "No, mate, you were brought here yesterday."
ποΈ 20
π
οΈ Feb 22 2014
Guest speaker dad joke.
So we had a guest speaker in my class today, (victimology). He had just finished introduced himself and since we have a smaller class he wanted everyone to introduce themselves as well. He wanted to know our names career path ideas, and one interesting fact. Everyone's going around saying the typical stuff in a criminal just class and not very interesting facts. Then a fellow student states her interesting fact that she has never peeled a banana. Everyone was kinda shocked, and when asked why she had explained that she got really sick one time when she was young after having eaten a banana given to her by her mom, (pre peeled). He then looked at her and said, "well I can see why you don't find them very apPEALing...." And then burst out into laughter.
ποΈ 76
π
οΈ Nov 04 2013
I'm surprised Al Rocker wasn't a guest commentator at tonights fight....
After all, he does predict May weather.
ποΈ 9
π
οΈ May 03 2015
What my dad would say to guests when introducing me and my sister.
These are my children from my first marriage. (He is still married to my mom, his first wife)
ποΈ 10
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οΈ Jan 23 2014
Dad sent me this pic of his dinner "guests"
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Mar 14 2015
Why are potatoes such bad dinner guests?
They usually show up to the party sMASHED or BAKED!
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Jul 07 2014
Work in a hotel and a guest got me today
Work at a conference hotel so we had a big group in house
Guest: Oh so who's this big group in the lobby?
Me: Why thats the American Heart Association sir
Guest: Ah well bless their heart
:facepalm:
ποΈ 6
π
οΈ Feb 23 2014
Had a friend tell me about a guest announcement for a convention
Friend: "Awesome guest announcement for a Melbourne convention. He voiced Mojo Jojo in the Powerpuff Girls and Ghostface"
Me: "I have no idea who or what Ghostface is"
Friend: "Scream"
Me: "I did, and I still have no idea who Ghostface is"
ποΈ 3
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οΈ Jun 05 2014
If the Queen of England farts during dinner, the rest of the guests must pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction.
ποΈ 114
π
οΈ Jun 12 2019
Royal etiquette: If Queen Elizabeth accidentally burps during dinner, the other guests must pretend that nothing happened.
Because Noble Gases shouldnβt have any reaction.
ποΈ 112
π
οΈ May 12 2018
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