Grad Puns

So yeah I got into a car accident during college and I wanted to commemorate that on my grad cap. My mom won't let me put my mri, "you should put something positive on your cap, not something negative" so yeah a back pun is the next best thing I could think of putting on there.

Because all of his grades were under a sea

He thanked them for keeping him off the streets.

Me: aren’t you “grad-u-ate” before we came here?

I understand my field to a degree

His appendix burst.

My friend: "I just received my acceptance letter to this university for the Master's Program".

Her dad: "You'll have more degrees than a thermometer!"

Everyone: "Hahahaha!"

Q: Did you hear that U of Alabama's library burned? A: It's true! They lost all 3 of their coloring books!

Q: What do you call a beautiful girl on campus at U of A? A: A visitor!

Q: What do a maggot and a U of A fan have in common? A: They can both live off a dead bear for twenty years.

Q: How many Alabama fans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 80,001. 1 to change the bulb, 80,000 to talk about how great the old lightbulb was.

Q: How do you make Alabama cookies? A: Put em in a bowl and whip em for 60 minutes.

Q: Did you hear Saban was going to dress up 20 players for the Iron Bowl? A: The rest will have to dress themselves.

Q: Alabama is changing their mascot to the Opossums. A: They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: What do Alabama players get on their SATs? A: Drool.

War Eagle!!!

The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.

Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a €5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.

As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."

As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".

Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.

Wife: "Hey, you want to go to yoga class with me?"

Me: "Namaste here."

ME: “it must have been the grad-U-ate”

I guess it's a Nietzsche Market.

Once, there was a young woman who wanted to do a little psychological experiment. So she carefully bred cherry trees to bloom in multiple colors, and arranged to have them planted such that the trees of one color would spell out the name of some other color. You know, to test the Stroop effect.

However, the instructions (which were, admittedly, odd) weren't transmitted to the workers (all starving underpaid grad students) effectively, so the groups of various colored cherry trees were planted such that the colors matched the names, completely invalidating her experiment.

She's now the Stroop drupe group blooper girl, Stroop drupe blooper girl, Stroop drupe blooper girl...

She now focuses on Anglo-Saxon royalty.

Because, they're afraid that if they ran out, they'd be in grad school.

and gobbled up all the seniors. Afterward one zombie said to another, “How was the grad you ate?”

Coworker: This is a racket. How do they justify charging an extra $3000 for something like sodium bicarbonate?

Me: Right? It's not like it's some fancy, top-secret compound. It's pretty basic.

My other coworker is a chem major about to enter grad school. He made me go work in the corner for a while after that one.

My friend, my older brother and I were talking about the sorts of fetishes our past SOs were into. My brother is quiet for most of the conversation, but chimes in near the end:

Him: "I dated a girl in grad school who had a fetish for being quiet."

Me: "Really?"

Him: "Yup. She called it a fetissssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

...

A little back story first. My dad, brother, mom, grandma and I are in the car and the subject of class rings comes up and how there's a potential for my brother to get a good amount for college, grad school, etc.

So I say, " So you want three rings?"

Dad: "What? Are you a binder?"

Grandma, mom, dad, and brother start cracking up...I Just groan.

My dad has been trying so hard since he found out about this subreddit.

I was at a grad party with my Dad. We were standing around a a bonfire with a few other people, when a kid brought a very large stick to put in the fire. It was obviously too large to put in the fire so my dad took it. He was in the process of breaking it when some one joked that this was a job for a banker. In which my dad responded with, "You know what, before my current position I used to be a branch manager"

Talking about my upcoming graduation from grad school, I told my dad that getting a master's degree is nothing compared to how many degrees he has. To which he replied,

"Well, then I guess you can just call me Dr. Fahrenheit!"

...I love that guy.

The context here is a discussion on encryption on a data storage medium. The kid here is a new guy who is fresh from grad school. The dad here is a senior engineer who looks like middle aged Gordon Freeman with graying hair. The kid was asking questions on how to erase data securely using a particular protocol command. He wanted more information on the random number keys necessary to encrypt/decrypt the data with. It went some thing like this.

Kid: " So you have A key, right ?"

Dad with a sly smile on his face immediately checks his pocket and whips out his car keys and says " No, I have many keys "