What was the cannibal given after he showed up late to the dinner party?
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︎ Dec 12 2020
A man goes to a beekeeper and asks for 12 bees. He counts, and sees he has been given 13....
βSir, you gave me an extra!β he says. The beekeeper replies βOh, thatβs a freebieβ
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︎ Nov 26 2020
What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?
Thank you for your cervix.
π︎ 11k
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︎ Jul 23 2020
No Concrete Answer Given.
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︎ Nov 04 2020
I've given up on reprimanding my floating safety markers
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︎ Dec 02 2020
Keep in mind that given all of this year's events, Thanksgiving dinner can get heated
It can get re-heated the next day as well
π︎ 12
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︎ Nov 19 2020
What do you call a cow whoβs just given birth?
π︎ 17
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︎ Oct 10 2020
I've finally given up on finding a name for my window coverings made from bug spray...
I call the search Off! It's curtains for that quest!
π︎ 3
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︎ Nov 04 2020
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasnβt given the gold medal.
The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.
π︎ 677
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︎ Apr 09 2020
A guy in work asked why my son had given up his flying lessons.
I told him pilot jobs aren't really taking off at the moment.
π︎ 154
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︎ May 28 2020
When firefighters lose their jobs, are they fired or given the axe?
π︎ 7
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︎ Jul 14 2020
What kind of a government would Authors form if given a chance?
An authoritative write winged government.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jul 31 2020
Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees.
Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.
π︎ 4
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︎ Jun 26 2020
What do you call a warning given out by a rattlesnake?
π︎ 13
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︎ Jun 29 2020
What is a superhero name given to someone who never misses with a chalk?
π︎ 2
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︎ Jul 30 2020
Shania Twain has given birth to a baby boy.
Choo Choo, was born at 3:30pm today weighing 6lb 8oz.
π︎ 9
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︎ Jun 12 2020
My colleagues at work have given me the nickname βMr. Compromise.β
Itβs not my first choice, but Iβm ok with it.
π︎ 10k
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︎ Jul 10 2019
π︎ 7
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︎ Apr 29 2020
At graduation the psychiatrist was given a wicker attache
It was his first basket case
π︎ 6
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︎ Jun 15 2020
If given a choice of eating a sandwich in the park or watching the Nickelodeon Network all day, what would you do?
π︎ 15
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︎ May 05 2020
I thought this was appropriate given our current circumstances. One of those jokes that makes you stop and chuckle.
π︎ 10
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︎ Apr 07 2020
I felt bad for eating my Jewish friend's coin shaped chocolate candy he had purchased to given his children at Hanukkah...
Pangs of gelt haunt me to this day!
π︎ 5
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︎ May 16 2020
I asked for 12 bees at my local pet store. The owner gave me 13 bees. I said βyouβve given me 1 to many!β The owner said...
...βThat one is a freebie!β
π︎ 5
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︎ May 05 2020
I hpe he is happy (credits given in the post)
π︎ 21
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︎ Jan 16 2020
The COVID-19 quarantine has finally given me the chance to organize my books.
From best to toilet paper.
π︎ 2
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︎ Apr 06 2020
Given the state of the world today , I donβt have Great Expectations for my children.
I got them all the other Dickensβ books though.
π︎ 8
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︎ Feb 27 2020
To all the women who have given birth to bring life into the world:
Thank you for your cervix.
π︎ 13
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︎ Nov 05 2019
I say my secret superpower is detecting Indian flatbread in any given room.
My friends all say it's naan-sense.
π︎ 161
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︎ Sep 22 2019
What did the ignorant man say when he heard the Corona virus had been given a new name by the world health organisation
π︎ 8
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︎ Mar 04 2020
In a Spanish spelling bee for English words, the contestant is given the word βSocksβ
The contestant spells it right and the judge replies:
βEso si que es.
π︎ 2
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︎ Feb 23 2020
After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?"
I said, "Yes. Steve."
She said, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"
"Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Nov 04 2017
A dad is given bad news by a doctor...
Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.
Dad: AND?
π︎ 60
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︎ Dec 20 2019
At any given moment, the urge to sing, βThe Lion Sleeps Tonightβ...
...is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
π︎ 506
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︎ Dec 29 2018
Sitting in a presentation being given by mathematicians right now.
It is very by the numbers.
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 28 2019
Iβve given up asking rhetorical questions.
π︎ 12
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︎ Dec 15 2019
Imagine a world where monkeys have given up tobacco.
π︎ 5
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︎ Sep 29 2019
I just got given 7 parking tickets in 60 minutes
π︎ 8
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︎ Dec 11 2019
What do you call an otter who's just given birth?
π︎ 6
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︎ Sep 28 2019
Given my experience, Iβm not the best at giving advice when it comes to tequila.
So you all have to take it with a grain of salt.
π︎ 11
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︎ Oct 25 2019
There should be a holiday where we remember all the borrowed items weβve given out that have never been returned.
Weβll call it βLentβ
π︎ 4
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︎ Nov 06 2019
Whoever invented knock-knock jokes should be given a no-bell prize
π︎ 66
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︎ Jan 06 2019
When given the choice between two ways to get to the roof, I always choose the ladder.
π︎ 381
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︎ Apr 25 2018
My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but was not given the gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won.
π︎ 148
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︎ Jul 13 2019
What do you call a cow thatβs just given birth?
π︎ 18
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︎ Jan 18 2020
My friend Ty came first in a swimming competition in Beijing, but he wasnβt given a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
π︎ 210
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︎ Jun 02 2019
At work, my colleagues have given me the nickname "Mr. Compromise."
It wasn't my first choice, but I'm ok with
it.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Oct 13 2019
At any given time, the urge to sing "The lion sleeps tonight"...
Is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
π︎ 11
π
︎ Apr 27 2019
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