Now I live in a cottage with 6 other dwarfs and I work in a mine.
Taken from fb
It was either to have an enormous penis or a fantastic memory, if only I could recall my response
The fairy codmother
After that, everything I touched turned into a muffler.
My wish would have far reaching consequences.
Sir Racha! (Sriracha).
As much as I don’t want to admit it, this is something I came up with (and I am a dad).
While helping my grandfather set up his computer I asked him if he knew what a USB was
"Of course I do! It's the country after USA"
...he considered them a flight risk.
A genie-ologist.
EDIT: We plan to place it on the mug as a gift, so it should be relatively short
I call it “Best bets for vetting vets for vets”
Huge Grant.
They got Hugh.
New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.
Bartender: "Hold on there buddy, what's in the box?"
Man: "I'll show you if you give me a free drink
The bartender agrees and the man lifts the lid of the box to show a tiny man, who starts playing an equally tiny piano.
Bartender: "That's amazing! Where did you find him?"
Man: "There's a genie outside granting free wishes. But if you go out there, be sure to speak up, because I think he is hard of hearing."
Bartender: "Why do you say that?"
Man: "Do you think I would've wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"
Disclaimer: Not original.
Genie: what is your 2nd wish rich.
People don't general lee find them funny
I'm quite the music history buff- always have been. My first inkling as a college student was to explore turning this into a career. So I found a music museum, wrote an impassioned essay, and somehow landed the 12-week internship.
When I got there, I met the curator, a woman named Rhonda. Like me, she had grown up enjoying music and always wanting to know more. Thanks to grants and donors' generosity, she had helped continue the museum's legacy of showcasing what might otherwise be lost to history.
The tradition of the museum had always been to let the interns work in the orchestral wing. My assignment in particular was the string section.
Now I didn't know a whole lot about the string family, but I saw some really fine specimens and decided we could perhaps tell a broader story about the progression of the instruments. And so I began studying.
After about a week of studying, I went to Rhonda and asked if we could do something different here. She was very receptive to the idea and introduced me to her assistant, Dr. Will. His PhD was in history, natch, but he still relished having everyone call him Doctor. It was funny.
Dr. Will helped me learn so much about how the family of instruments developed over time, their overall cultural footprint, etc.
Did you know a fiddle and a violin are the same thing? Did you know the viola family dates back to the 16th C.? Vivaldi wrote 25 cello concertos!
I dazzled visitors with tales of the Stradivarius, Amati and Guarneri families. I noted the increase in neck length over time. I reassured them that despite the name catgut, no cat intestines were used in the creation of these instruments—but it sure might be sheep or goat.
Sadly, 12 weeks goes by quickly when you're having fun, and I got enthusiastic letters of recommendation from Rhonda and Dr. Will, and I do miss them. Hello, you two.
I figured I could waltz (sorry) right in to more museum jobs later, but boy, was I mistaken.
I kept interviewing for the job, but after about the 10th cold shoulder, I had to find out what I was doing wrong. I had done such a good job, after all, right??????
So I fucking called the museum
got the guy who interviewed me on the line—and he wasn't thrilled to even talk to me. But I asked him, sir, why didn't I even get a call back? Weren't my qualifications good?
He said, yes, BUT.......
"...we simply can't hire someone who has exhibited a history of violins."
I grew up and stopped going to church
He runs the lamp and a genie pops outs, and says, “I’ll grant you three wishes, but your ex wife gets twice whatever you wish for.” The man thinks for a minute and says, “Okay first wish is for a million dollars.” “Okay” says the genie, “your ex wife also now has two million dollars” The man thinks for another minute and says, “ I wish for a Lamborghini” “As you wish” says the genie “your ex now has two Lamborghinis” Finally after a few minutes the man says, “for my final wish, I wanna be beaten half to death”
But I came fifth and just got a toaster.
I’ll ‘Grant’ it
They say it’s legendairy.
I'm not sure if it was a lamborghini
Me: I want a world without lawyers
Genie: Done, your three wishes are over
Me: I still have two left!
Genie: Sue me
It's Gone
Does that mean I have frozen assets or cold hard cash?
A lambor-genie
Hey Pell.
Have you seen his Electric Revenue?
Genie: What will your wish be?
Henry: I want to be rich
Genie: Of course, your wish is granted. What will you second wish be?
Rich: I want a lot of money...
But the judge tells him...
" I'm sorry Mickey.. But I can't grant you a divorce just because you say your wife is a little weird."
Mickey says..
" I didn't say she was a little weird... I said she was Fucking Goofy !"
One called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area:
Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said. "Your wish is granted" Low and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted. "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Kristian replied. "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed....... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian!!.. 🤪🤣
A wishing machine.
If it had died in hot, it would have been hell!
Man 1: "I'm sorry I took you for Grant, Ed."
A Huge Grant
In his sleevies!
Granted, mountains can't fly but still pretty impressive!
Man: I wanna be rich!
Genie: What is your second wish, Rich?
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
