A guy goes to a party,and was offered some punch
He drank a full glass.
He was offered a refill.
He declined.
The guy was one punch man.
I was getting close to retiring and offered my compost business to my son.
He replied, “I refuse to work with compost! It’s so degrading!”
Just been offered as a job a Noise Pollution officer .
But, I had to turn it down.
I've just been offered a job as a human chess piece...
The money is good.
I'm on knights this week.
Spider-Man offered to give me spidey powers to invent new quips for him.
I guess you could call it a quip pro quo.
Just got offered a job teaching poetry in prison.
Spent all night thinking about the prose and cons.
The prosecutor offered the ballet dancer two choices after she did not pay her mountain of parking tickets. A) Say guilty, pay them off, and get probation for 6 months or B) Say Not Guilty and go to trial and perhaps serve 6 months in jail.
Someone offered me a nice cup of green tea
So naturally I said yes, matcha-bliged
I found some insects living in my apartment, but they offered me cash if I let them stay.
A guy offered to document my life in Microsoft Excel, but I said no.
I don’t want him to spreadsheet about me.
i went to a restaurant and the waitress threw a piece of meat on the ceiling. she offered me $100 to go and get it off and i replied:
No, the steaks are too high!
I met a lady at a bar who was a housekeeper. I offered to buy her a drink. She said, "sure. I'll take a scotch..."
My daughter and I went to the grocery store yesterday, and we were amazed by the quality of the produce. We spoke with the Department Manager and offered to buy all of their Romaine
Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle...
It was an ether/oar situation...
The hardware store guy offered to sell me a 50 ft spool of rope for $2, but I refused.
A friend offered to sell me their TV for five bucks but said the volume dial was broken.
I’ve been offered a job cleaning mirrors.
It’s a job I could see myself doing.
I've just been scammed! Someone offered me a penny for my thoughts but...
Before I knew it, they had gotten my two cents.
Why was 2 offered a record deal but not 4?
Because 2 was better suited for PRIMEtime
Today my wife offered to give me a massage after I came home from work.
What did Arnie say when he was offered a role in a movie about classical composers?
When offered three wishes, the man told the genie “I don’t know - maybe some new countertops?”
To which the Genie replied, “Your wish is granite.”
The man at the register offered me some free Mentos
I said "No thanks, I prefer women toes."
When I broke my leg, my nice neighbor offered to take out my trash.
That’s an offer I can’t refuse.
A friend of mine offered me a piece of a pizza made out of a magazine that's no longer published. Hesitant at first, it turned out to be tasty!
Wife offered me water, I asked for something harder
My wife's handbag is sorely in need of replacement. I offered to get her a new soft leather one, but she declined.
I guess she's not easily purse-sueded.
I offered to help publish a book of recipes for a local Indian food restaurant.
They made me sign a naan-disclosure agreement.
I offered my wife a drink of my Sunkist
My five year old came running over to me with his lips puckered. I stopped him and asked what he's doing. His reply: "son kiss," and started giggling.
My kid is out-dadjoking me.
One of the hosts of the View invited me to her home and we sat in her den. She then offered a pillow...
When the last hurricane blew through, my friend offered free room and board to any and all...
Just got offered a job as a Waiter
It's probably because I can bring a lot to the table.
I offered to take my friend to a popular German city.
He was so grateful.
I said "Don't Munchen it"
True story: My wife offered to make me tea and 1 hour later I remembered that she still hadn't made it....
When I asked her about it she said, "Yeah, I'm a tea-se."
I was at a meeting, standing, when someone offered me a place to sit. I politely declined and said
"I don't accept charity."
I offered Bonnie Tyler a Twix, but she refused it.
I offered her a Mars Bar, then a Yorkie and finally a Bounty, but she kept saying NO!
I think she was holding out for an Aero...
I was once offered a hedgehog pie
I didn't dare eat it as I thought it was spiked.
When I was hired, my company offered me a 401k. I didn’t sign up for it though.
I’ve never run that far before.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
A guy offered to document my life in Microsoft Excel, but I said no.
I don’t want him to spreadsheet about me.
Before my surgery, my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle
It was an ether/oar situation
Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation
Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle
It was an ether/oar situation
Before my surgery, my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
Before my surgery, my anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas, or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
Before my surgery, my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
