Lock down MAY END by MAY END, or MAY NOT END by MAY END,as it MAY EXTEND....

But MAY will END, by MAY END, even if lockdown MAY NOT END.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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A Roman man walks into a bar and extends his index and middle fingers and says...

"I'll have 5 beers please"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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I’ve started making sardine flavoured tea, but I’m slightly reluctant to extend my experimentation to mackerel flavour.

It’s a different kettle of fish altogether.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ‘€︎ u/Titsonafish
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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If you’re looking for a prefix to extend the word β€˜ointment’

There's an app for that

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dannnehhh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2018
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Who ever stops the extended warranty calls should win a prize.

I'm calling it The No-Bell Peace Prize.

Idc if you steal this I just thought of it while making lunch and I got another one of them.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/Barlark88
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
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Why do you drink water?

Because you can't eat it.

‐My 10 year old.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/jig7c
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2021
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There was a knight whose job it was to guard other knights while they sleep

But as anyone that has worked the night shift knows it can be a long and boring affair. No great threats to defend against. So this knight decided to improve himself, night after night he would bring books to read while he stood guard. Learning languages, math, philosophy. The smarter he gets the more he realizes that he will likely leave the world and be forgotten. In his depression he turns to music, learning instrument after instrument, style after style. Using his knowledge of math to create beautiful patterns and moving songs. He learns that it is they rhythm more than anything that draws people to a song and sets his nights to finding the rhythm that will be universally loved. Now, hundreds of years after his death, people the world over still remember Sir Cadian's Rhythm.

πŸ‘︎ 81
πŸ‘€︎ u/SirDianthus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
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I've had a chiropractor phobia extending from a childhood trauma. Wife finally convinced me to get my back checked out and treated. Wife afterwards: See, that wasn't too bad

Me: it was an adjustment

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sparxican
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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After WWII some of Hitler’s extended family was still alive. How many Hitlers could still be alive today?

I’m not certain, but I believe there are FΓΌhrer than there used to be!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...

"I'm measuring your patience!"

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ‘€︎ u/Piccolo_Bass
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
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The officers of my company all met on the open, unroofed porch extending from our building...

It was a deck quorum.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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This is one my 7 year old son said to me... I had a closed fist up to my face with my little finger extended and picking food out of my teeth. My thumb was also extended out. He looked at me and with a smirk on his face said to me...

Who's on the phone dad?

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pearly351
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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I propose extending Arbor Day to 72 hours.

It really should be a tree-day affair.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
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Extended Christmas dad prank

When my brother and I were little, we put out milk and cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeers on Christmas eve, and woke up on Christmas morning to find them mostly eaten. We were delighted at proof of our nighttime visitors.

The next year our dad told us he had gotten an inside tip from the north pole: that Santa actually liked ramen and beer, not milk and cookies (as other, less well informed, dads and kids had always thought).

For years, we dutifully cooked ramen, put it on a table by the fireplace with a cold beer on the side, and woke up to the ramen and beer having been consumed in the night.

I knew my dad wasn't fond of milk or cookies, but it wasn't until later that we connected the dots and found out the deal about Santa. My dad was the one who ate the Santa food once we went to bed, and he had secretly convinced us to prepare his ideal midnight snack for as long as we believed in Santa.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/queenermagard
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
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A man is sitting in the hospital with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.

Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"

Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"

Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."

The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.

Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."

Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."

The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,

"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."

πŸ‘︎ 219
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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What do you call watching 2 Hallmark movies back to back?

The Extended cut

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/xngamer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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Gabe was muttering incoherently. He'd been up all night studying for the history exam.

I poked my head in his room, and he was blathering about how he wanted to quit school and be a truck driver.

"I'm gonna get one of those big beautiful Peterbuilts, with all the running lights everywhere. Or maybe a Mack with an extended cab..."

"Better brew him a pot of coffee," I told his mother. "The final is in a half hour, and he's only semi-conscious."

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/cja1968
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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If a musical group extended their playlist, would they be an elastic band?
πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ‘€︎ u/vader2000
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2015
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My extended family uses too much profanity.

They should really stop cousin'.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/Logic_and_Memes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2016
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your watch? (extended version)

Time to get a new watch

(Then later)

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

I don't know what time it is, an elephant sat on my watch!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/TatsumakiRonyk
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2018
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[I've extended the original!] // What do you call a blind deer?

No eye deer.

What do you call a blind deer with no legs?

Still no eye deer.

What do you call a blind deer with no legs & no genitalia?

Still no f*cking eye deer!

What do you call a blind deer with no legs & no genitalia that's been worshipping the devil?

Still no f*cking goddamned eye deer!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/thisissami
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2017
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A joke I made just before a test in math

I turned to a friend next to me: "Will you tell me the answers if I don't know something?"


"I was counting on you. Now I have to use my hands."

πŸ‘︎ 924
πŸ‘€︎ u/ICameHereToRead
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2015
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One day, Kermit the Frog was a little short on cash, so he went to the bank to speak to a loan officer...

When he got there, a woman extended her hand.

"Good afternoon, sir," she said. "My name is Patricia Wack. How may I help you today?"

Kermit replied, "Hi-ho, Patricia! I'm Kermit the Frog, and I would like to borrow some money."

They walked over to her desk and sat down.

"Certainly, Mr. Frog--"

"Oh, just call me Kermit."

"Okay... Kermit. How much money would you like to borrow?"

"Ten thousand dollars."

Mildly surprised, Ms. Wack looked intently at Kermit.

"Do you have any references?"

"Well, I suppose I could use my father, Keith Richards."

Ms. Wack froze for a second, then...

"THE Keith Richards?"

"Oh, yes. In fact, he told me he's friends with your manager, which is why I came in here."

"Okay... Do you have any collateral?"

"Excuse me?"

"Collateral. Something of value, like a car, or a boat..."

"Oh, yes! I do have something. I have this."

Kermit reached into his briefcase and placed a small figurine on the desk. Patricia looked curiously at the object, then at our amphibious friend.

"What's this?"

"It's a Hummel."

"A what?"

"A Hummel. They're supposed to be quite valuable. Well, at least this one is to me."

She picked up the Hummel and stood up.

"If you don't mind, I would like to show this to the manager."

"Oh, no! I don't mind at all!"

So, Patricia took the Hummel to the manager's office, knocked on the door, and walked inside.

"Patricia! What can I do for you?"

"Mr. Wilson, there's this... frog named Kermit at my desk, and he wants to borrow $10,000, but he has only this for collateral."

Mr. Wilson looked at the Hummel, then out to her desk.

"I don't see anything out of order here."

"But, Mr. Wilson--"

"Look, it's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
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Lent my Dad my GoPro, he just sent me this picture - "Is this how I wear it?"
πŸ‘︎ 196
πŸ‘€︎ u/mafeumatty
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2013
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Today my dad was making the dinner

So I come home today after a hard days work to the sight of my dad cooking the dinner. I walk into the kitchen and ask

"How long is dinner going to be"

He suddenly stops cooking as I hear muffled sounds of laughter. Slowly turning around I can see tears of joy building up in his eyes as he extends his hands about 40cm apart and whispers

"About this long"


πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ‘€︎ u/BorisJohnsun
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2014
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So this might have been posted before but...

A boy was in love with a girl. Madly in love. He told his older brother, who suggested he ask her to the upcoming prom. So, that night, he went to her house with some flowers and chocolates and asked the girl to the prom.

She was overjoyed. She took the flowers and hugged him around the neck. When he went home, his brother told him he had to get ready. Prom was in only a week!

The next day, he traveled to a suit store. He picked out the perfect one. It would go perfectly with his date’s dress. He picked his up and went to check out. Unfortunately, it seems a lot of people were buying suits, as the line nearly went out of the store. He groaned, but anything for his love. After two long hours, he finally got his suit.

A couple days later, his brother suggested that he rent a limo. He and his brother went to rent one that evening. When they arrived, they discovered that there were nearly 50 people waiting to rent a vehicle. They waited for nearly three hours, but they were finally able to rent a limo for the big day.

The afternoon before the dance, he went to buy some flowers for his date. Unfortunately, the store seemed to be having a sale, and the checkout lines extended into the parking lot. He stomped his foot. β€œWhy is it that every time I go to buy something, everyone else wants to buy it too?!” He begrudgingly waited for nearly four hour before walking out with a bouquet of roses.

That night, he rode in the limo to his date’s house. She got in, and they talked the entire trip. He presented her with the flowers, which she adored. Her dress was stunning, and went perfectly with his suit.

They arrived at the school and got out, arms linked. They walked inside, said hi to a couple of friends, and began dancing and enjoying the night.

About halfway through the dance, the boy was parched. He told his girl that he was going to get a drink. He walked over to the snack table and discovered that there was no punch line.

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ‘€︎ u/ohihatethesepants
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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Tried to Dadjoke my four year old, got outsmarted.

This morning my son was about to put on his socks.

I: -wait, are there holes in your socks?

Son: -Yes, of course! Or else i wouldn't be able to get my fot into them. *holds up socks for me to see while extending hole at the top with fingers.

Me: -Hmrp... *sectretly feeling proud.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ‘€︎ u/2rgeir
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2014
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What do you call it when boss man on a movie-set farts loud and long?

Extended release, director's cut.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ‘€︎ u/ishatbrx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
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An elderly couple and strawberries

Standing in line at the grocery store with an eldary couple standing just behind me I heard the following conversation. Man: (He notices the strawberries on display) Oh look, they have strawberries. (extends his arm to pick up a box) Woman: They're not local, they're probably Polish or something. Man: I'm going to eat them, not talk to them.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/hentesveis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
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An old man and his lawn

An older gentleman had an herb garden, one of the herbs that he had planted was thyme. The thyme took really well to the climate and environment of his lawn, and began to extend past his garden, into his lawn. Now, this was unacceptable as he prided himself on having a pristine lawn. He decides he needs to reign in the problem and heads to the nearby nursery to find a solution.

He gets there, but wants to make sure he finds the right product. After about 30 minutes, one of the customer service associates notices he's spent a lot of time looking around the herbicides and whatnot. Thinking the man has a weed problem, he offers the following assistance.

"Hey can I help you find a weed-killer? You've been on this asile awhile, and I can definitely speed up the process."

"No thanks," the man responds, "I've got some thyme to kill."

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dedinside13
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
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At the dinner table at my Canadian thanksgiving

My mother asked me to pass the cranberries. I picked up the dish and extended it to her but she didn’t reach for it. I was like, β€œAre you gonna take the cranberries or are you just gonna let it linger?”

Took a second but I got a few good laughs.

I’m not even a Dad... yet

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/vanntasy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2018
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Is this a pun, per se?

Almost 10 years ago now when my daughter’s mom was pregnant with herβ€”waddling miserably towards the tail-end of her third trimester and about ready to popβ€”she looked forlornly at her figure in the mirror one day and announced, β€œOmigod I’m as big as a house!”

And so I, the Rico Suave motherfucker that I am, popped my head up from the book I was reading on the bed and responded thusly without missing a beat:

β€œWell, baby girl, if you’re a house then you’re my dream home...”

I thought our relationship was my rock on which we would build one hundred stories, but there were termites in the foundation. Unfortunately she ultimately turned out to be a mobile home that couldn’t stay tethered to a single lot for more than a few years at a time as, a short time later, she up-and-skedaddled from our lives and has been a deadbeat mom to our little girl ever since. (My daughter and I built a beautiful, cozy little bungalow-for-two anyways.)

Anyway, does that qualify as a pun, or just an extended metaphor? If not, sorry, I just always thought that was a good line and I wanted to humble-brag a bit.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadow_Boxer1987
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
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It's Christmas, and my dad has abandoned all self control.


He pasted this sign on himself while vacuuming this morning... He has a talking watch on, and is prepping his trick/extendable fork for Xmas dinner. The puns and euphemisms are flowing like water. This is his day.

πŸ‘︎ 334
πŸ‘€︎ u/bearskinrugggs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2013
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"No, that's..."

My dad used to play a game with me and my brother that was, in effect, an extended dad joke.

The "beginner" version, when I was younger, was when I would be talking about something, my dad would intentionally misinterpret it so that we could correct him. The objective being to keep up the misinterpretation in as long of a chain as possible.

Me: "Dad! Top Gun is on TV!"

Dad: "Doesn't that movie have that whiny folk singer on the radio in it?"

Me: "...No, dad, that's Tom Petty, not Tom Cruise."

Dad: "Oh, I thought he was Rosanne Barr's husband?"

Me: "No, dad, that's Tom Arnold, not Tom Petty."

Dad: "Oh. I thought he was that golfer..."

Later, once I figured it out, we moved to "advanced mode", where we skip the "correction" and just prove that you catch the reference by making another error in response.

Dad: "Oh. I thought he was that golfer..." (Arnold Palmer)

Me: "...wait, I thought that was the victim in Twin Peaks?" (Laura Palmer)

Dad: "...no, you're thinking of the lady who was the actress in Jurassic Park." (Laura Dern)

And so on. Did anyone else's dad's do something like this? Or any current dads? I currently play a version of this with my wife where she'll put on the radio and I'll intentionally misinterpret the artist. (Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody is playing, I comment to the effect of "God, I love Styx. Such a great song.")

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2015
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Got a guy my age in math

We are sitting in a group of four, and then the trouble kid, "Anthony" complains.

"Anthony" (obviously distressed) : wow I'm cold -- I'm frozen!

Me : Nice to meet you, cold extends hand for handshake

A: groans I also said I was frozen

M: Last I checked, you're not a Disney movie

Whole table groaned. Except me

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mattofam
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2016
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So I heard you live in an old funeral home...

My mom and her boyfriend recently bought an old funeral home and are renovating it to turn it into a house. While out to dinner with some extended family, my mom's boyfriend's 2nd cousin says, "so I heard you live in a funeral home.. that's interesting" to which his aunt replies, "yeah, we've all been DYING to come visit."


πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ‘€︎ u/pennyrae
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2016
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I got my boyfriend pretty well with this one last night.

My boyfriend told me to kiss him for an extended period. I told him that I don't think I can kiss him for a week straight.

It took him a minute, then he laughed pretty hard.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/strawberry19942
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2015
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I made my girlfriend a Gin and Tonic

she said, "Thanks, babe. I love it!"

I replied, "So you can say it really Schwepped you off your feet?"


She took a very extended sip and walked away

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFifthsWord
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2016
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My dad= His own biggest fan

My dad saw me about to make some chicken noodle soup. Knowing I wasn't feeling well he offered to make it for me instead. I accepted his offer and sat down on the couch. Once it was done, my dad hands me a bowl of the hot soup and extends a spoon towards me. I look at the spoon but notice as I'm about to grab it, it's one of those strainer spoons, the big ones with the holes in it. I give him a dumbfounded look, and he proceeds to bust out laughing as he takes a normal spoon out from behind his back, hands it to me, and walks back to the kitchen chuckling to himself the whole way. Gotta love that guy.

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ‘€︎ u/SourGrape_Snape
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
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Here's a long one, it won't disappoint.

My dad's favorite joke of all time (there are many variations, and of course, even more extended versions):

These three guys went to South America to explore the rain forest. The guide was leading them through explaining the different plants and animals. After awhile they started to hear this really loud sound.




The men, kind of scared, asked the guide what the noise was.

"What the hell is that noise?"

"Oh, that's just the Foo bird."

"The Foo bird?"

"Yes, it's a giant bird, and the locals believe that if it poops on you, wiping it off will cause instant death."

"That's silly."

"Well, that's what the locals say."

The noise gets louder and closer.




The men look up in the sky and see a glimpse of the Foo bird.

"It's huge!"



All four of the men are covered with bird shit. The guide pulls a cloth out of his pocket and wipes the shit off of his face. He drops dead.

The first of the three men says, "that's got to be a coincidence."

He wipes the shit off, and drops dead.

The second guy nervously says, "it can't be true"

He wipes it off and drops dead.

The third guy doesn't wipe it off. He was found a few days later, and went home, refusing to be cleaned.

A few years pass, his life has been destroyed due to being covered in shit. His wife left him, his friends won't come near him, he can't find a job... One day, he's in the bathroom shaving around the shit.

"It's been years, most of it has flaked off, it's probably fine to wipe it off now."

He hesitates, but eventually grabs a towel, wets it down, and takes a deep breath.

He wipes the shit off, looks up into the mirror smiling, then drops dead.

The moral of the story is:

If the Foo shits, wear it.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ‘€︎ u/fire_marshall_ill
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2013
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My Doctor is a Dad

I went to the doctor with a hand injury from playing football (in the British sense). I hyper extended my thumb and I have a weird lump on the side. He said there's not much to be done about it. I asked how long the pain might last. He said...

"About two or three months... As a rule of thumb"


πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/percymiracles
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2016
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Do I dad joke too much?

My fiancΓ© and I were sitting on the couch after dinner and she picked up her empty glass and said, "I'm thirsty."

My eyes lit up like a child on Christmas morning. I turned with entirely too much vigor and extended my hand to her in greeting. And before I could say anything she said, "haha nice to meet you. You're so funny."

Does it still count as a dad joke if you don't even get to say it?

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/shiningmidnight
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2014
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I teach the child of a classic dad-joker.

A student I teach came up to me yesterday and told me her dad always says a certain joke at home.

Me: Oh yeah? How does it go?

Her: First you have to tell me your hungry.

Me: Sorry. I'm not Hungry. I'm Mr. Ridicuhsweet. But it's nice to meet you!

Glad I could extend her dad's humour to the classroom.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/ridicuhsweet
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2014
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My grandfather recently passed away. Here is his go-to joke.

Whenever we would all have an extended family dinner, he would always look up with a grin on his face and say "this is the best dinner I've had all day! Every. Time.

My grandfather was a man a few words. But dang it he was good at making the entire family groan.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ‘€︎ u/airborneaaron
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2015
🚨︎ report

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