My wife said, “What are you going to do when you finally see it?”
Me: I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.
St Peter says to the nuns "Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven."
He looks to the first nun and asks "where did the first woman live?"
The first nun quickly replied "the garden of Eden".
St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun "what was the name of the first woman?"
The second nun pauses for a second and then replies "Eve."
"Well done!" Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying "As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?"
The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says "oh, that's a hard one".
"Correct!" Says St Peter. "You may enter."
On the condition he gets to install windows🇺🇸
he basically invented PC.
I can't say who it is as they may take a fence.
I told them that it was ok, we brought our own.
Imagine how boring quarantine would be if he hadn't invented Windows.
"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."
Bill Gates: I feel like a million dollars.
The first person says “I was a doctor, I saved lives.” St. Peter lets him in.
The second person says “I was a teacher, I educated and inspired hundreds of children”. St Peter lets him in.
The third says “I was a musician, I brought joy and beautiful music to many people.”
St. Peter says “ok, but you’ll have to go around back and come in through the kitchen.”
I didn’t say anything because he might take a fence
I just imagine Elon-Gate would be really drawn out....
Because people are dying to get in
I can't wait to tell that to people a thousand years from now!
...and the vulture said, "I'm clearly permitted one piece of carrion luggage."
Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.
But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."
It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.
You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.
In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.
This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un
... keep reading on reddit ➡People were dying to get in.
Because people are always dying to get in.
It's called Parking Son's disease.
Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.
Take a gate it's more useful
Because the little moron was a little more on.
Well, he's Notch.
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the gate.
After dying in a fatal car crash, 3 nuns end up at the pearly gates and the saint there tells them "Since you're so pure of heart and free of sin you can all go into the Kingdom of Heaven if you answer 3 questions. I'm going to ask you one question each."
The saint turns to the first nun and asks: "Who were the first two humans God created?"
She says: "Adam and Eve!"
She gets into Heaven.
The saint turns to the second nun and asks: "What was the one thing Adam and Eve were told not to do in the Garden of Eden?"
She says: "They weren't allowed to eat the fruit of knowledge!"
She gets into Heaven.
The saint turns to the last nun - the mother superior - and says "Since you're the mother superior my last question is going to be difficult to answer, but if you answer correctly you can get into Heaven. So my question for you is: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when they realized they were naked?"
Now she has to think a little and as she thinks she's close to conceding, uttering "Gee, that's a hard one..."
The saint lets her right into Heaven.
The End.
Door: I don't know what to do...
Window: It's going to be okay, you can handle this!
What's up .doc
Apparently it's not the best place to list your kids when you're trying to give them away.
…oh wait, he does.
I guess you could say they took offense.
St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
"Hey, its not my fault they don't have windows"
I somehow managed to get myself stuck up there. I’m still on the fence about it.
"The opposite of a douche bag"
Thanks, dad.
Hi unforgiving, I'm dad"
"Yes you are"
Elongated
ElonGated
As though it were made of "rot" iron.
St. Peter: Your number's up Euler, and Isaac Newton says you have to count all the spheres in the universe before you can enter heaven. What say ye?
Euler: Sigma balls, Dick.
Sigma is used to notate summation.
Summation is the process of adding things together.
He turned to his wife and said, “Honey it’s really awful. I feel like a million dollars.”
Because he thought it was a-door-able.
Got my whole Tafe class with this, thanks to a good setup from a mate. He says: I can't believe that guy stole your gate! The class: what the hell? Me: yeah, I was watering my front lawn, and this bloke walks up to my gate, looks at me, picks my gate up off its hinges and walked off with it! The class: what??? You didn't say anything?!! Me: no, I didn't want him to take a-fence... The class: laughs and groans of disappointment as they realize they fell for it.
Because he might take a fence.
I was going to stop and say something, but I was worried he might take a fence!
Because it's already long enough
.
Because they don’t take a fence
I didnt know that was still a requirement to get in!
You could technically say the design was ElonGated
The baby will elongate.
I didn't say anything in case they took offence.
I was going to shout something at them but I didn't want them to take a fence.
People really like his company.
An ElonGated yard
Only two of them crossed...why? On the gate was a sign that said No TRESpassing
It takes a toll on everybody.
She asked me, “What are you going to do when you see it?”
I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”
Elon-gate would be really drawn out
Because people are dying to get in.
Because people are always dying to get in.
Because people are always dying to get in.
Because people are dying to get in
She said, “ What are you going to do when you finally see it?”
I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”
She asked me, “What are you going to do when we see it?”
Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
It is called Parking Son's disease.
Because people are always dying to get in
Her: What would you do when we see it?
Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.
Because everybody’s dying to get in..
Her: What are you going to do when we see it?
Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
ElonGate would be really drawn out.
