BREAKING: North Korean Leader in vegetative state following surgery.

They're going to start calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Otherwise-Sherbet
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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"Officer, how did the hacker you were following, escape ?"

"Don't know he just ransomware"

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/magop7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around.

I'm pretty sure I have the CORVID.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/earthwulf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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The following depicts scenes of gratuitous heteronormative sexual acts

Sensitive viewers are advised to avert their gays

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Childhoodcocaine
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Following instructions to make mayo

Teacher: -So, add sunflower oil and stir

Me: -Hmm, I didn't quite understand that. I guess I'll ketchup later!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Davis_Schina
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who expired for not following time tested advice?...

He died of old adage...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Titeman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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Homer Simpson is an alcoholic because he is following his dad's only piece of advise

Life's Duff!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/freewillson
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
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My wife is a nurse and was telling me about the guidelines they're following...

My only comment was WHO do they think they are telling you what to do?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jarage00
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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My wife's loser ex keeps following us around town. He tries to hide but we can always hear him giggling.

A real laughing stalk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CSwork1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My 5 year old granddaughter kept following me while holding a bucket. I asked her what the bucket was for and she said . . .

β€œDad says if you kick it, we’ll be rich!!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Before starting a cult, be sure to consider the following
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rublex
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
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If any of you single *fellas here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do:

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drewfussss
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
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Mr. Pickle has a decent following on twitter...

He's kind of a big dill

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JBaczuk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
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Every thanksgiving when my family is watching football my dad waits until the quarterback is sacked and says the following....

β€œThat’s what you call a look-out block, you turn around and say LOOK OUT”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aspestice
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
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Just following the rule
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πŸ‘€︎ u/udipadhikari
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
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Why was the man following behind the grocery shopper?

He was a certified stocker.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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Mix it up a little. Text a random number the following message:

The fat one won't fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
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When is a hen just following the letter W
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rocketrhinoceros
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
A Library-themed D&D session with the following set-ups: reddit.com/r/pun/comments…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dracon_Pyrothayan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
🚨︎ report
The FBI was following a furry.

They were on his tail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Just following instructions
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zergreport
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2019
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Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fvr_troll
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
🚨︎ report
A writer on The Good Place submitted the following list of restaurant name puns with the script for her episode. It includes gems like "Squab Goals" and "Pie Another Day." twitter.com/meganamram/st…
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2018
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I just watched two bumblebees, one flying backwards and the other following it. Never seen anything like it.

It was an odd beehavior.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrsovinov
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m following my girlfriend to England for the semester.

I’ll be studying a broad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HandCrimped
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
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I’m following a new nutrition plan: only donuts and bagels.

It’s a hole food diet.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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If you feel like someone is following you, you're not alone.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw Santa following me around in the mall, and I asked him why.

He said, β€œChristmas stalking.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Have you guys been following that Broadway controversy?

Turns out ALL their plays are staged.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brigitlemidgette
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
🚨︎ report
The following exchange left a smile on my face.

Daughter: "Hey Dad! Do you know what would be SO COOL?"

Me: "A frozen needle and string?"

Daughter: groans.. "You're IMPOSSIBLE"

Me: "No, no. I'm D-"

Daughter: "DAD. DAD. WE GET IT."

Me: "We Get It.... Is that a new Nintendo System?"

Daughter: . . . walks away

.

.

Stay Proud. Stay Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onejdc
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Want to hear a good way to see how many people are following you

Turn around

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crusader94556
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Pilot comes on the intercom following a very bumpy landing

β€œSorry about that folks. Not my fault, it’s the asphalts”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bananacat29
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2018
🚨︎ report
I've been following r/anticonsumption for a while now...

I have no idea what Amazon shopping has to do with tuberculosis but I'm not taking any chances

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nerovox
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
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How can you tell if an Eskimo is following you?

Inuition.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
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Solve the following: iπŸ’©x iπŸ’© = ?

iπŸ’©x iπŸ’© = -πŸ’©β¬›οΈ

Shit just got real!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/qizelbizel
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend called me a square for always following the speed limit.

I told her that I was more like a circle, squares are too edgy for me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sr_ChalupaBatman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Just following the first rule of the community

Punchline

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Please enjoy the following short trailer:

https://imgur.com/z0V7Oyg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tango91
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Following a bad breakup a bartender advised me that happiness lies at the bottom of a tequila bottle

I took it with a grain of salt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
🚨︎ report
I tried to keep following my dreams.

Unfortunately, my dreams filed a restraining order last night.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2018
🚨︎ report
My 9 year old daughter is following in my footsteps

I was telling my girlfriend her new pillowcases she bought were uncomfortable and she said they shouldn't be they're Egyptian cotton and my daughter said why have you got Egyptian Cotton....is it because you're a Mummy howls with laughter at her own joke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mrmyke00
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2017
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”I don't like it when people emphasize words or phrases by following them with ”quote, unquote”.”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gargolito
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2016
🚨︎ report
Received the following text from my dad: Mom went with me to my doctor appointment the other day. After an extremely long wait I turned to Mom and said, "My butt fell asleep."

She replied, "Yeah, I heard it snore a couple of times."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/petros86
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2017
🚨︎ report
I got pulled over by a cop. He came up to me and asked "Do you know why I was following you?"

I said "My tweets were funny!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Baddassnumber7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2015
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Did you hear of the debate following a recent study which found mixing marijuana into cattle feed can reduce their carbon footprint?

... The steaks have never been higher

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scrotumbrella
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2016
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I am ashamed to admit the following occurred during project management training today:

We had begun a section on 'change management', and to prove his point, the facilitator challenged us to try to name one thing that does not involve change.

I proudly shouted out "A CREDIT CARD!"

He looks at me and asks, "A... credit card?"

I reply, "Yes. There is no change when paying with a credit card..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Utsis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2016
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the ninja take out his target while following him in the fog?

No one knows, it was a mist opportunity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ApexDovah
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2016
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Horndave
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2013
🚨︎ report
the following exchange happened at my work

i work the service desk at a grocery store, and me and one of my coworkers will often make puns based on the items we return. i got 2 gallons of white milk and a half gallon of chocolate milk. the following exchange occurred.

him: i'm gonna go dump this milk.

me: that bad in the relationship, eh?

him: well yeah, look what kind of baby they made -points to chocolate milk-

me: in a relationship, you need certain emotions, i guess they just lactose emotions. -he dumps out the milk and returns-

him: hey, wanna see my jugs?

me: i had a friend named calvin who wanted to see mine. one day i finally just said, "hey cal, see em?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CeleresVerraden
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2013
🚨︎ report
My dad has been working on his weight and health lately. Today he sent me the following text:

I can't seem to get my diet right - I must be a gluten for punishment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pollyatomic
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2015
🚨︎ report
Following a nice family lunch a buffet...

Mom: "Did you guys eat well?"

My brother and me: "Yes."

Dad: "So how does well taste?"

I'll admit, I laughed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thechrisblaze
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2015
🚨︎ report
Can you read the following: I I I I I I I I

You just passed your I exam.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/squidfood
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2014
🚨︎ report
Following the two isotopes of helium joke..

You: What did the scientist say when he discovered tow isotopes of Helium? Your friend: what?

You: HeHe.

Friend : oh that's funny.

You: yeah, I know. It was a noble joke.

Friend: ugh. groans

You: actually, I expected no reaction at all.

Friend: ...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lala7070
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2014
🚨︎ report
Been following this sub for a while, never thought it would happen to me.

My dad walks up to me and says, "It's supposed to rain spiders tonight."

Mildly terrified by this imagery, I furrow my eyebrows and respond, "huh?"

He explains, "We're supposed to get torrential rains tonight. Tarantula downpours. Get it?"

Hah.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/isabellajc
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2014
🚨︎ report
I'm just following the rules

πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
The FBI was following a furry.

They were on his tail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report

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