BREAKING: North Korean Leader in vegetative state following surgery.
They're going to start calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
"Officer, how did the hacker you were following, escape ?"
"Don't know he just ransomware"
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around.
I'm pretty sure I have the CORVID.
The following depicts scenes of gratuitous heteronormative sexual acts
Sensitive viewers are advised to avert their gays
Following instructions to make mayo
Teacher: -So, add sunflower oil and stir
Me: -Hmm, I didn't quite understand that. I guess I'll ketchup later!
Did you hear about the guy who expired for not following time tested advice?...
Homer Simpson is an alcoholic because he is following his dad's only piece of advise
My wife is a nurse and was telling me about the guidelines they're following...
My only comment was WHO do they think they are telling you what to do?
My wife's loser ex keeps following us around town. He tries to hide but we can always hear him giggling.
My 5 year old granddaughter kept following me while holding a bucket. I asked her what the bucket was for and she said . . .
“Dad says if you kick it, we’ll be rich!!”
Before starting a cult, be sure to consider the following
If any of you single *fellas here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do:
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.
Mr. Pickle has a decent following on twitter...
Every thanksgiving when my family is watching football my dad waits until the quarterback is sacked and says the following....
“That’s what you call a look-out block, you turn around and say LOOK OUT”
Why was the man following behind the grocery shopper?
He was a certified stocker.
Mix it up a little. Text a random number the following message:
The fat one won't fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?
When is a hen just following the letter W
The FBI was following a furry.
Just following instructions
Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day
reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
A writer on The Good Place submitted the following list of restaurant name puns with the script for her episode. It includes gems like "Squab Goals" and "Pie Another Day."
twitter.com/meganamram/st…
I just watched two bumblebees, one flying backwards and the other following it. Never seen anything like it.
I’m following my girlfriend to England for the semester.
I’ll be studying a broad.
I’m following a new nutrition plan: only donuts and bagels.
If you feel like someone is following you, you're not alone.
I saw Santa following me around in the mall, and I asked him why.
He said, “Christmas stalking.”
Have you guys been following that Broadway controversy?
Turns out ALL their plays are staged.
The following exchange left a smile on my face.
Daughter: "Hey Dad! Do you know what would be SO COOL?"
Me: "A frozen needle and string?"
Daughter: groans.. "You're IMPOSSIBLE"
Me: "No, no. I'm D-"
Daughter: "DAD. DAD. WE GET IT."
Me: "We Get It.... Is that a new Nintendo System?"
Daughter: . . . walks away
.
.
Stay Proud. Stay Dad.
Want to hear a good way to see how many people are following you
Pilot comes on the intercom following a very bumpy landing
“Sorry about that folks. Not my fault, it’s the asphalts”
I've been following r/anticonsumption for a while now...
I have no idea what Amazon shopping has to do with tuberculosis but I'm not taking any chances
How can you tell if an Eskimo is following you?
Solve the following: i💩x i💩 = ?
i💩x i💩 = -💩⬛️
Shit just got real!
My girlfriend called me a square for always following the speed limit.
I told her that I was more like a circle, squares are too edgy for me.
Just following the first rule of the community
Please enjoy the following short trailer:
https://imgur.com/z0V7Oyg
Following a bad breakup a bartender advised me that happiness lies at the bottom of a tequila bottle
I took it with a grain of salt
I tried to keep following my dreams.
Unfortunately, my dreams filed a restraining order last night.
My 9 year old daughter is following in my footsteps
I was telling my girlfriend her new pillowcases she bought were uncomfortable and she said they shouldn't be they're Egyptian cotton and my daughter said why have you got Egyptian Cotton....is it because you're a Mummy howls with laughter at her own joke
”I don't like it when people emphasize words or phrases by following them with ”quote, unquote”.”
Received the following text from my dad: Mom went with me to my doctor appointment the other day. After an extremely long wait I turned to Mom and said, "My butt fell asleep."
She replied, "Yeah, I heard it snore a couple of times."
I got pulled over by a cop. He came up to me and asked "Do you know why I was following you?"
I said "My tweets were funny!"
Did you hear of the debate following a recent study which found mixing marijuana into cattle feed can reduce their carbon footprint?
... The steaks have never been higher
I am ashamed to admit the following occurred during project management training today:
We had begun a section on 'change management', and to prove his point, the facilitator challenged us to try to name one thing that does not involve change.
I proudly shouted out "A CREDIT CARD!"
He looks at me and asks, "A... credit card?"
I reply, "Yes. There is no change when paying with a credit card..."
Why didn't the ninja take out his target while following him in the fog?
No one knows, it was a mist opportunity.
the following exchange happened at my work
i work the service desk at a grocery store, and me and one of my coworkers will often make puns based on the items we return. i got 2 gallons of white milk and a half gallon of chocolate milk. the following exchange occurred.
him: i'm gonna go dump this milk.
me: that bad in the relationship, eh?
him: well yeah, look what kind of baby they made -points to chocolate milk-
me: in a relationship, you need certain emotions, i guess they just lactose emotions. -he dumps out the milk and returns-
him: hey, wanna see my jugs?
me: i had a friend named calvin who wanted to see mine. one day i finally just said, "hey cal, see em?"
My dad has been working on his weight and health lately. Today he sent me the following text:
I can't seem to get my diet right - I must be a gluten for punishment.
Following a nice family lunch a buffet...
Mom: "Did you guys eat well?"
My brother and me: "Yes."
Dad: "So how does well taste?"
I'll admit, I laughed.
Can you read the following: I I I I I I I I
You just passed your I exam.
Following the two isotopes of helium joke..
You: What did the scientist say when he discovered tow isotopes of Helium?
Your friend: what?
You: HeHe.
Friend : oh that's funny.
You: yeah, I know. It was a noble joke.
Friend: ugh. groans
You: actually, I expected no reaction at all.
Friend: ...
Been following this sub for a while, never thought it would happen to me.
My dad walks up to me and says, "It's supposed to rain spiders tonight."
Mildly terrified by this imagery, I furrow my eyebrows and respond, "huh?"
He explains, "We're supposed to get torrential rains tonight. Tarantula downpours. Get it?"
Hah.
I'm just following the rules
👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽
The FBI was following a furry.
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