Consider the following

WD-40 is just wrench dressing.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the man get sent back to his home country for following his high school girlfriends life rules?

It was his ex-tradition

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband the following text...

β€œIf you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!!!” The husband, being a non-romantic sort, replied... β€œI am on the toilet. Please advise.”

πŸ‘︎ 100
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A man brought his trike to a 4 Wheeler convention but was refused at the door for not following the dress code.

They told him that he was missing attire

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kashindabank
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
The Egyptian government has asked Cairo’s taxi drivers to drive around and sound their horns in the hope that familiar sounds will help calm the residents following the pandemic.

Operation Toot And Calm β€˜Em will last a week.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
If you’re getting married consider the following...

...on one hand, you wear a super cool ring, on the other hand, you don’t

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B-oT-w-GoD
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
"Officer, how did the hacker you were following, escape ?"

"Don't know he just ransomware"

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/magop7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
The following depicts scenes of gratuitous heteronormative sexual acts

Sensitive viewers are advised to avert their gays

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Childhoodcocaine
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I remember when I once had a friends named Eni. We were best friends until one day, she gossiped about me and stopped hanging out with me. The following day, a teacher asked me if a had any friends,

I responded with β€œNo, not Eni.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SHiFT_VeLoCiiTy
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who expired for not following time tested advice?...

He died of old adage...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Titeman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My 5 year old granddaughter kept following me while holding a bucket. I asked her what the bucket was for and she said . . .

β€œDad says if you kick it, we’ll be rich!!”

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife is a nurse and was telling me about the guidelines they're following...

My only comment was WHO do they think they are telling you what to do?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jarage00
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Before starting a cult, be sure to consider the following
πŸ‘︎ 293
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rublex
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Just following the rule
πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/udipadhikari
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
🚨︎ report
When is a hen just following the letter W
πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rocketrhinoceros
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Every thanksgiving when my family is watching football my dad waits until the quarterback is sacked and says the following....

β€œThat’s what you call a look-out block, you turn around and say LOOK OUT”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aspestice
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
🚨︎ report
The FBI was following a furry.

They were on his tail.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Mix it up a little. Text a random number the following message:

The fat one won't fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
🚨︎ report
A Library-themed D&D session with the following set-ups: reddit.com/r/pun/comments…
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dracon_Pyrothayan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was the man following behind the grocery shopper?

He was a certified stocker.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
🚨︎ report
A writer on The Good Place submitted the following list of restaurant name puns with the script for her episode. It includes gems like "Squab Goals" and "Pie Another Day." twitter.com/meganamram/st…
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fvr_troll
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
🚨︎ report
The following exchange left a smile on my face.

Daughter: "Hey Dad! Do you know what would be SO COOL?"

Me: "A frozen needle and string?"

Daughter: groans.. "You're IMPOSSIBLE"

Me: "No, no. I'm D-"

Daughter: "DAD. DAD. WE GET IT."

Me: "We Get It.... Is that a new Nintendo System?"

Daughter: . . . walks away

.

.

Stay Proud. Stay Dad.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onejdc
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
🚨︎ report
I saw Santa following me around in the mall, and I asked him why.

He said, β€œChristmas stalking.”

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
🚨︎ report
I’m following my girlfriend to England for the semester.

I’ll be studying a broad.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HandCrimped
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I just watched two bumblebees, one flying backwards and the other following it. Never seen anything like it.

It was an odd beehavior.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrsovinov
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Pilot comes on the intercom following a very bumpy landing

β€œSorry about that folks. Not my fault, it’s the asphalts”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bananacat29
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Solve the following: iπŸ’©x iπŸ’© = ?

iπŸ’©x iπŸ’© = -πŸ’©β¬›οΈ

Shit just got real!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/qizelbizel
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend called me a square for always following the speed limit.

I told her that I was more like a circle, squares are too edgy for me.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sr_ChalupaBatman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Following a bad breakup a bartender advised me that happiness lies at the bottom of a tequila bottle

I took it with a grain of salt

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Please enjoy the following short trailer:

https://imgur.com/z0V7Oyg

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tango91
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Just following the first rule of the community

Punchline

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Received the following text from my dad: Mom went with me to my doctor appointment the other day. After an extremely long wait I turned to Mom and said, "My butt fell asleep."

She replied, "Yeah, I heard it snore a couple of times."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/petros86
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you hear of the debate following a recent study which found mixing marijuana into cattle feed can reduce their carbon footprint?

... The steaks have never been higher

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scrotumbrella
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2016
🚨︎ report
I am ashamed to admit the following occurred during project management training today:

We had begun a section on 'change management', and to prove his point, the facilitator challenged us to try to name one thing that does not involve change.

I proudly shouted out "A CREDIT CARD!"

He looks at me and asks, "A... credit card?"

I reply, "Yes. There is no change when paying with a credit card..."

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Utsis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2016
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the ninja take out his target while following him in the fog?

No one knows, it was a mist opportunity.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ApexDovah
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2016
🚨︎ report
Thanks to the following individuals for helping persuade me to become vegan ... (xpost /r/vegetarian)

Thanks to the following individuals for helping persuade me to become vegan:

Ron Acerous, Sal Amander, Herb Avore, Chic Adee, Al Bacore, Paul R Baer, Al Batros, Wally Bee, Lady Bugg, Jay Byrd, Ann Chovie, Anna Condra, Barry Cuda, Terry Dactyl, Ray N Deer, Flo N Der , Erma Dillo, Ann Enome, Terry Err, Liz Erd, Ann Fibian, Dale Finn, Redd Fox, Buddy Fly, Ken Garoo, Allie Gator, Billy Goat, Pan Guin, Ann Gus, Hal Ibut, Bob Katz, Tom Katz, Anne Kelosaurous, Don Key, Ann T. Lope, Moe Lusk, C. Lyon, Chip Monk, Flo Mingo, Sal Mon, Anna Mull, Barr Nicole, Kay Nine, Kyle Otee, Al Paca, Lia Pard, Millie Pede, Ellie Phant, Arthur Podd, Jack Rabbit, Gerry Raffe, Ty Ranaceourous, Mack Rell, Wally Rus, Jack Russel, Fez Sant, Dina Sauer, Drew Sophila, Chris Station, Hal Steen, Clyde Sudale, Ann Teeter, Pan Ther, Earl Thurfworm, Tara Ann Tula, Bea Tule, Ray Venn, Bea Ver, and Beau Vine.

I couldn't have done it without your support !!!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheStupidVegNoob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2016
🚨︎ report
the following exchange happened at my work

i work the service desk at a grocery store, and me and one of my coworkers will often make puns based on the items we return. i got 2 gallons of white milk and a half gallon of chocolate milk. the following exchange occurred.

him: i'm gonna go dump this milk.

me: that bad in the relationship, eh?

him: well yeah, look what kind of baby they made -points to chocolate milk-

me: in a relationship, you need certain emotions, i guess they just lactose emotions. -he dumps out the milk and returns-

him: hey, wanna see my jugs?

me: i had a friend named calvin who wanted to see mine. one day i finally just said, "hey cal, see em?"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CeleresVerraden
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2013
🚨︎ report
My dad has been working on his weight and health lately. Today he sent me the following text:

I can't seem to get my diet right - I must be a gluten for punishment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pollyatomic
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2015
🚨︎ report
Can you read the following: I I I I I I I I

You just passed your I exam.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/squidfood
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2014
🚨︎ report
Following the two isotopes of helium joke..

You: What did the scientist say when he discovered tow isotopes of Helium? Your friend: what?

You: HeHe.

Friend : oh that's funny.

You: yeah, I know. It was a noble joke.

Friend: ugh. groans

You: actually, I expected no reaction at all.

Friend: ...

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lala7070
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2014
🚨︎ report
If any of you single *fellas here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do:

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drewfussss
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm just following the rules

πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½πŸ‘ŠπŸ½

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
The FBI was following a furry.

They were on his tail.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report

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