Just lit my grill and I held a flaming stick in front of my sons face...

Son: STOP! It’s never funny to joke around with fire!

Me: (looks at the fire) Why did the chicken cross the road?

The wife and I were crying laughing while the son went inside and locked us out of the house. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/planetmerc5500
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.

He suffered from turd debris burns.

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2018
🚨︎ report
What does a firefighter use to layoff flaming prostitutes?

A fire hose

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/riptide747
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2015
🚨︎ report
Flaming Motorbike

So the other day my uncle was riding his '81 Honda, just out for a cruise. And the bike caught on fire. A guy came running up to him and threw him a fire extinguisher. He caught it cause he's a bad ass. Any way after my uncle put out the fire that was melting his bike and burning him. A crowd of about 13 people were gathered around, and he pipes up saying

"Wow, that's one hot bike."

Needless to say no one laughed. He was the only psycho laughing after being on fire minutes before.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BoonDock_SAINT96
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2015
🚨︎ report
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Why was the character from Adventure Time called Flame Princess and not...

Cinder-ella

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I totaled my Toyota the other day, and it burst into flames...

It was a gorgeous shade of red before; now it’s just a burnt Sienna.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sully1227
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the Kansas City Chiefs quarterback say when he saw his real estate properties go up in flames?

Mahomes!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spaneika
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.

I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Houshweeni
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call when you lit an 'O' on fire?

A flaming-O

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Esmeralda_i
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Zuul asks Peter Venkman if he wants to wreck up a city and toast marshmallows in the flames.

Venkman says, "Nah, I'm not a big marshmallow guy."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theknight618
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
No one could figure out who set fire to the Cathedral of Notre Dame.

But Quasimodo had a hunch.

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A: No eye deer.

Q: What about a deer with no eyes and no legs?

A: Still no eye deer.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs if you set it on fire?

A: Still no flaming eye deer.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crayonfingers
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
🚨︎ report
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building. Security stops him and says,

There are no firearms allowed in this building.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
As if 2020 wasn't crazy enough in Texas today, a herd of cows suddenly burst into flames.

Scientists still don't know what the cattle-lyst was.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TigerDiesel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…

…it smells like burnt nose hair?

πŸ‘︎ 188
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw a woman once that was smoking a cigarette at a gas station while she filled her car. She pulled out the nozzle and gas shot everywhere and her arm was immediately engulfed in flames. She started waving it around and a cop saw it and shot her dead...

She was waving an illegal fire arm.

πŸ‘︎ 576
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaidendeck
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Who can drink 10 litres of petrol and not get sick?

Jerry can

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/reggin121
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a child on fire at a steakhouse?

Flaming young

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImprezaGrant
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
This tinder conversation didn't fail to incite a flame
πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BanAllPineapples
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Which weighs more a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

Water because butane is lighter fluid

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFishmanau
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Back in medieval times, they used to make computer mice out of the poop of giant flame breathing reptiles...

...surely you've heard of the "dragon drop" interface.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpartanMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the flame say to his buddies after he fell in love?

I found the perfect match!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crunchybedsheets
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
🚨︎ report
How can flames afford to be so bright?

Fire works

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFifthStep
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a jacket that goes up in flames?

A blazer

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pepesilvia189
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2017
🚨︎ report
Wacka Flocka Flame should start a guacamole line called Wacka Guaca; The spicy variety could be Wacka Guaca Flame.
πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GodPoopsToo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2015
🚨︎ report
Wake up honey, wake up!!! The house is in flames

OK dear but please do not scream or you will wake up your mom too

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yubimarcano
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Flame wars and Trolls

I have come to the conclusion that the reason for trolls causing flame wars is a direct result of Dungeons and Dragons.

See, in dungeons and Dragons, the only way to kill a troll is with fire and acid. So when a troll enters a forum thread, the flame war that erupts is an attempt to kill the troll with fire.

I suppose an acid war could also erupt, but those who would use acid seem too stoned to care.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2016
🚨︎ report
Like a moth to a flame...
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EvanZaiNa
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2016
🚨︎ report
What is a dragon’s favorite band?

The Flaming Lips

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/afranc72
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I just set an elevator on fire

It just went up in flames

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbbBagger
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?

β€œYes, we arson.”

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/623fer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asurarkt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
After the most historic series of fires ever, an arsonist goes into the police station to turn himself in.

It was his claim to flame

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AsSheenOnTV
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Wok and roll
πŸ‘︎ 178
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Serendipityaey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2018
🚨︎ report
My Dad works for a welding supplier, so heres his welding dad joke

A guy was cutting with an acetylene torch when suddenly there is a break in the line. The acetelyne starts shooting up his arm and a stray spark ignites it. His arm bursts into flame. He starts running around the shop waving his arm around while it's on fire until someone hits him with the fire extinguisher.

After the fire is out and the EMT's arrive, the police are there taking statements from the witnesses. When the officer finishes this, he pulls out his handcuffs, goes over to the burned guy on the ground, pushes the EMT out of the way, and arrests the burned guy.

When he brings the guy to the station, the chief asks him why he arrested this guy when he clearly needs medical attention. The officer responded by saying "He was waving a firearm in public"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Better_Devil
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the difference between the Hindenburg and Donald Trump?

One is a flaming Nazi gasbag, and the other is just a dirigible.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dunn_with_this
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
A cow tried to sneak past a sleeping dragon

Made a nice flaming yawn

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JBaczuk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
A man is filling up his car with gas and accidentally gets some on his hand...

He doesn’t notice it and when he gets into his car, he lights a cigarette.

His arm instantly catches on fire.

The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around, attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve.

A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot...for an unlicensed firearm.

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a jacket that bursts into flames?

A blazer

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2017
🚨︎ report
What’s a dragon’s favorite band?

The Flaming Lips

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BettydelSol
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I once saw a fireman.

He was in flames.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SilentTempestLord
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report

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