My coworker has to drink alkaline water to prevent IC flare-upsβ€”the higher the pH the better.

That’s so basic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jjazzy1990
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
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Vulture Problems (and apologies to Kansas)

The Prince of the vultures had always been a rebel, but he surprised everyone when he announced he was going to be a vegetarian. And nobody expected this to divide the vulture kingdom, with nearly half the vultures supporting the Prince's choice. Tempers flared, and civil war was brewing when the Prince burst into the King's chambers.

"Father," he cried, "I never meant to cause this. I'll do anything you say to reunite the kingdom. Please, Father, what should I eat?"

The King set a plate of roadkill in front of the Prince, and said "Carrion, my wayward son. There'll be peace when you are done."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rjsquirrel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12
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Birmingham (UK) man loses job after 45 years at company

A Brummie was made redundant after working for the same company for 45 years. He quickly gets an interview with one of his ex companies rivals. His friends advise him that he should wear a suit and tie to the interview to try and make a good impression, unfortunately the interview is the same day and his only suit he has is the one he wore to his original interview in 1975.

He quickly gets dressed in his brown suit, complete with flares, wide lapels and a kipper tie.

He made quite the impression on his entrance and when the interviewer invited him into his office, he said "nice kipper tie" to which he replied " milk and 2 sugars please"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adidassamba
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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I have this disease where I can’t stop signaling to planes for help.

The doctor told me my symptoms are flaring up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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I’m doing a run of PokΓ©mon: SoulSilver where I name everybody after musical artist puns. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far- pretty catchy, huh?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TristAndShout
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
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What is your favorite dad joke?

My personal favorite is: "Hey did you hear about the guy who got his whole left side cut off?" "Oh, don't worry. He's all right now."

It lets you add a lot of different flare, especially if you're looking at your phone and you make it sound like a news story or something.

So what's your favorite dad joke?

EDIT: Thank you everyone, I've gotten a good chuckle out of all of these! It's been a rough couple of days, but these all cheered me up. I'm going to be recycling them... My girlfriend eyes are gonna be rolling overtime tonight. I'd feel sorry, but my girlfriend probably doesn't want me feeling anyone but her.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cawblade
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2015
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Got dad joked at a campfire

My friends dad started the fire with an old road flare he had, I then proceeded to ask him "how long does that flare burn for?" He responded with "Until it goes out." It hurt in all the right places.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pousher579
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2014
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Dad Tells Rope Joke

My dad always told this joke when I was a kid and just curious to see if anyone's heard it:

So this piece of rope walks into a bar and says "Bartender, give me a whiskey"

Bartender says "we don't serve pieces of rope here, get out!"

so the piece of rope leaves and comes back and this scenario plays out 10 more times.

Finally the piece of rope slinks up to the bar and says "Bartender give me a whiskey!"

the Bartender denies him again and throws him out.

the piece of rope ties himself up, flares out his edges and strides back in one more time and shouts "Bartender give me a whiskey!"

the Bartender says "aren't you that same piece of rope I keep throwing out of here!"

Piece of Rope says "Nope, I'm afraid not" (a frayed knot)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RafterRaptor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2015
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I literally told my dad about this subreddit, to which he claimed, "I never make jokes like that".

Today I was home, helping my sister out with her application while she was at school. I come to the strengths and weaknesses part. He looks at me with a straight face and says, "Michael, do not put odor under strengths". cracks big smile nostrils flare..... oh, dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshPecksLegs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2015
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My gf was thinking about taking a minor in geography. I was knocking them out of the park.

"I was thinking about trying out a geography minor."

"Oh really? What makes you want to head in that direction." - Pun one she doesn't acknowledge

"I don't know I just find it interesting. I think I'd like to try human geography."

"Oh really? My cousin told me he took physical geography and said it rocks." - She pauses and stares at me with an unimpressed face, but reluctantly continues

"No I think people geography would be more my style."

"Ya I can see that. You're much more of a people person." - Her eyes flare as it's obvious shes holding back a bellowing guffaw

"We're done here."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RepostFrom4chan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2014
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Wrestling Relatives

Today at lunch I dad-joked my wife.

wife: There was this guy who would come into my work, James Savage-
me: Oh, was he related to Randy?
wife: blank stare
me: ...Macho Man Savage?
wife: flared nostrils/large sigh/continues her story

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πŸ‘€︎ u/martinzer0
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2014
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