As if 2020 wasn't crazy enough in Texas today, a herd of cows suddenly burst into flames.

Scientists still don't know what the cattle-lyst was.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TigerDiesel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14
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Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…

…it smells like burnt nose hair?

πŸ‘︎ 182
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building. Security stops him and says,

There are no firearms allowed in this building.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw a woman once that was smoking a cigarette at a gas station while she filled her car. She pulled out the nozzle and gas shot everywhere and her arm was immediately engulfed in flames. She started waving it around and a cop saw it and shot her dead...

She was waving an illegal fire arm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaidendeck
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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This tinder conversation didn't fail to incite a flame
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BanAllPineapples
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Back in medieval times, they used to make computer mice out of the poop of giant flame breathing reptiles...

...surely you've heard of the "dragon drop" interface.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpartanMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the flame say to his buddies after he fell in love?

I found the perfect match!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crunchybedsheets
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
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How can flames afford to be so bright?

Fire works

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFifthStep
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a jacket that goes up in flames?

A blazer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pepesilvia189
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2017
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Wake up honey, wake up!!! The house is in flames

OK dear but please do not scream or you will wake up your mom too

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yubimarcano
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a jacket that bursts into flames?

A blazer

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2017
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Wacka Flocka Flame should start a guacamole line called Wacka Guaca; The spicy variety could be Wacka Guaca Flame.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GodPoopsToo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2015
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Flame wars and Trolls

I have come to the conclusion that the reason for trolls causing flame wars is a direct result of Dungeons and Dragons.

See, in dungeons and Dragons, the only way to kill a troll is with fire and acid. So when a troll enters a forum thread, the flame war that erupts is an attempt to kill the troll with fire.

I suppose an acid war could also erupt, but those who would use acid seem too stoned to care.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2016
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Like a moth to a flame...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EvanZaiNa
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2016
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Did you know Candle flames Smell like burnt nose hairs?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arctic_Alpha
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2016
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Who can drink 10 litres of petrol and not get sick?

Jerry can

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/reggin121
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16
🚨︎ report
Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asurarkt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09
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After the most historic series of fires ever, an arsonist goes into the police station to turn himself in.

It was his claim to flame

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AsSheenOnTV
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09
🚨︎ report
I just set an elevator on fire

It just went up in flames

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbbBagger
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03
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You ever hear about the dude who rode his horse through a flaming loop?

His name was Medieval Knievel.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sandra-Clapped
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.

He suffered from turd debris burns.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2018
🚨︎ report
What is a dragon’s favorite band?

The Flaming Lips

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/afranc72
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25
🚨︎ report
I once saw a fireman.

He was in flames.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SilentTempestLord
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
🚨︎ report
What’s a dragon’s favorite band?

The Flaming Lips

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BettydelSol
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13
🚨︎ report
My Dad works for a welding supplier, so heres his welding dad joke

A guy was cutting with an acetylene torch when suddenly there is a break in the line. The acetelyne starts shooting up his arm and a stray spark ignites it. His arm bursts into flame. He starts running around the shop waving his arm around while it's on fire until someone hits him with the fire extinguisher.

After the fire is out and the EMT's arrive, the police are there taking statements from the witnesses. When the officer finishes this, he pulls out his handcuffs, goes over to the burned guy on the ground, pushes the EMT out of the way, and arrests the burned guy.

When he brings the guy to the station, the chief asks him why he arrested this guy when he clearly needs medical attention. The officer responded by saying "He was waving a firearm in public"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Better_Devil
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03
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Dad, are we pyromaniacs?

β€œYes, we arson.”

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/623fer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Fire eaters are attracted to their stunts...

... like moUths to a flame.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03
🚨︎ report
Why was the fireman lovesick?

He couldn't get over an old flame.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nailpolishandcats
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
🚨︎ report
What is the difference between the Hindenburg and Donald Trump?

One is a flaming Nazi gasbag, and the other is just a dirigible.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dunn_with_this
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Flaming Motorbike

So the other day my uncle was riding his '81 Honda, just out for a cruise. And the bike caught on fire. A guy came running up to him and threw him a fire extinguisher. He caught it cause he's a bad ass. Any way after my uncle put out the fire that was melting his bike and burning him. A crowd of about 13 people were gathered around, and he pipes up saying

"Wow, that's one hot bike."

Needless to say no one laughed. He was the only psycho laughing after being on fire minutes before.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BoonDock_SAINT96
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2015
🚨︎ report
A cow tried to sneak past a sleeping dragon

Made a nice flaming yawn

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JBaczuk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Wok and roll
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Serendipityaey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2018
🚨︎ report
What is the gayest bird?

A Flaming-o!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oftenoffend
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
🚨︎ report
A waitress was taking an order from a dad and a 4 year old at a table.

The kid kept screaming, screeching poorly-articulated profanities at the disinterested father. Over the screaming chaos, the father managed to order a water for himself, and an orange juice for his kid. The waitress came by with the drink, and within moments the kid smashed his cup onto the floor out of pure, unaimed toddler rage, spilling the drink all over the floor and the waitress.

The father apologized, but asked if the gremlin could still have a second orange juice, hoping the kid would miraculously calm down. The waitress conceded despite the terribly behaved toddler, and returned to the shrieking zone with a second orange juice. She had forgotten to clean up the puddle of orange juice however, and slipped. The cup of juice went straight into the kid's face, and like a fire extinguisher to a flame, the kid just went silent, as if a lesson had been learned. Everyone in the restaurant looked at the table in silence.

Juice twice had finally been served.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TahLoow
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Playing with fire in my Chemistry lab class

In our groups, we were assigned to burn certain mystery elements, and figure out which element they were based on the color of the flame. When we were done, I told my group that we had just become Fire Distinguishers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Duke_Platinum
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Notre-Dame?

More like Notre-Flame

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cas131102
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
🚨︎ report
After being single for years, I finally found the perfect match online.

It produces a greenish flame and it looks really cool while I'm lighting up my cigarette.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
🚨︎ report
So I was dating a ghost pepper...

She was flaming hot during the course meal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyNight100
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Got my girlfriend right before bed last night

We're getting ready for bed, and I let one rip. The gf tells me to light a match to get rid of the smell.

As I'm going to light it, I turn to her: "So I guess you could say there's quite the... <strikes match>....SPARK in the bedroom tonight?"

Groan-filled laughter ensued.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sigepcane
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2015
🚨︎ report
The news was showing a series of major fires all within close proximity to each other...

... my fiancΓ©e said "It's probably arson." I retort with "Our son would never do that!"

Its a wonder she's marrying me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/She_Likes_Cloth
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2015
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A man is filling up his car with gas and accidentally gets some on his hand...

He doesn’t notice it and when he gets into his car, he lights a cigarette.

His arm instantly catches on fire.

The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around, attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve.

A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot...for an unlicensed firearm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2017
🚨︎ report
Nihilist Dad Jokes

Why did the scarecrow win a prize? Because he stood alone in his field! He stood there for years, rotting, until he was forgotten.

I tell my kids, you’re allowed to watch the TV all you want… Just don’t turn it on! This way they will begin to understand the futility of all things.

How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. Like all animals, it is an automaton, driven by blind genetic imperative, marching slowly to oblivion.

Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating? They have no body to go with them! The skeletons are like us: alone, empty, dead already.

I don’t really like playing soccer. I just do it for kicks! Like all of humanity, I pretend to enjoy things, and others pretend to care about my charade.

You hear about the moon restaurant? Good food, no atmosphere! If you eat there, you forfeit your life, which would make no difference to the universe as a whole.

Why did the blonde focus on an orange juice container? It said concentrate! She realized that society’s dep

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vorschlaghammer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fire that floats on water?

Flame-bouyant!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2018
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Did you hear about the Zen master that walked across the fiery coals?

He had Flaming Hot Chi-toes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jebjum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad's joke about a socially awkward friend

talking with parents after a gathering

Mum: I feel bad for John, he's so antisocial.

Dad: Yeah, he's like an eternal flame!

Me: Eternal flame? What?

Dad: He never goes out!

Mum and I burst out laughing while dad grins proudly

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karma112
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2014
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My Zippo

Sparks interest and ignites conversation. Tho it isn't heated discussion, its still a hot topic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mooneri
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2016
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I always wanted to ride the range solo, like Clint Eastwood...

But my stirrups caught erupted in flames.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Rapper Waka Flocka is married to Tammy Rivera.

She’s Waka Flocka’s Flame.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlippyInTheHat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2018
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[x-post /r/Jokes] [OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overhe

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyOtherAccount_3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
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Why do firemen wear suspenders?

To keep their pants from falling down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brownie-mix
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2016
🚨︎ report
What bird sets letters on fire?

A flaming o

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TopseyNerve
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2018
🚨︎ report
You know what really burns my ass?

A flame about that high.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/papiforyou
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad joked during dinner.

So yesterday My father, Little brother, and I were all eating dinner. We were having random sausages that I cooked up.

Dad: Coughs

Me: "You okay?"

Dad: "I'm fine it's just a little hot."

Me: "Yeah, hot links and flaming hot Cheetos will do that to you."

Dad: "And a hot soda."

Me: "Dad that soda isn't anywhere close to being hot."

Dad: Bends can to give it an hourglass shape "There, now its hot."

Me and Little Brother: heavy sighs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gothic_Panda
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2015
🚨︎ report
It's a Lemon

I barback for a friend on Sunday mornings. Part of that job includes cutting my own lemons and limes for brunch service. Because we only order organic produce, it's fairly common to get nasty looking fruit.

I'd been mulling over this thought for weeks, waiting for the perfect moment to capitalize on the growing, searing flame inside of me when finally, after much preparation, I found one. A lemon that looked fine on the outside and was nasty on the inside. I turned to the bartender and simply said, "I think I found a Lemon."

He groaned. And walked away. But the dad's at the bar chuckled a little.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/souwant2bcliche
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2016
🚨︎ report
A love story

There was a little boy who absolutely loved tractors, so for his 3rd birthday, his father bought him a little toy one. The boy thought this was the best toy he had ever gotten, and ignored all his other gifts to focus on the tractor, pushing it around the lounge whenever he got the chance, making tractor noises etc.

As the boy grows a little bit older, he comes to his 10th birthday, when his dad says "Alright son, you're a little older now, so here you go" before giving him a push-along ride-on tractor for their backyard. The boy thinks this is even better than his now quite old toy tractor, and is taking days off school and everything just to ride around the house and neighbourhood on his push-along tractor.

He gets a little older again, and lo and behold, it's now his 18th birthday. His dad comes up to him during the party and says "Ok son, you're a man now, so here you go" before unveiling a fully functional tractor for his son. "Wow, thanks Dad, this is amazing!" says the son, be

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PatchyJosh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
🚨︎ report
A favorite of my dads: "You know what really burns my ass?!"

He'll say this while looking straight at me, with a stern look on his face. Frightened, I ask "What?" whilst trying to remember wear I did to piss him off so bad.

He holds his hand at ass-level, grins: "A flame about this high."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/apopheniac1989
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
🚨︎ report
I see I'm ready for fatherhood

I was just watching a news story about a truck of butter bursting to flames on a highway. The news reporter said that the driver and passenger got awat from the accident.

I turned to my grandmother and said "I guess you can say they slipped away."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elcielo17
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2014
🚨︎ report
For years my uncle would greet me with this same joke whenever he saw me:

Q: You know what burns my ass?

Me: what, dear uncle?

A: a flame about this high (holds hand parallel to the ground at ass-level).

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2014
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Flat feet

My dad gave me this gem when I was little:

Why do ducks have flat feet?

To stomp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stomp out flaming ducks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rmathewes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2013
🚨︎ report
Friends dad just said this

You know what burns my butt?

What?

brings hand to waist

A flame about this high

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bennythomson
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2013
🚨︎ report
I was rather proud of this one...

I had steak cooking outside on the grill and when I came back out after a couple of minutes, I found the grill had caught on fire and flames were doing a nice char-grilled number on the meat.

Cue me bursting into full rendition of Alicia Keys' recent song, "This grill is on fire...."

Daughters, wife and mother-in-law were disappointingly unimpressed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spoonarmy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad subtly threw this one out while stuck in traffic on the freeway

After checking the radio and hearing the cause of the traffic was a car ahead of us that was up in flames,

Dad: Guess they decided to get memorial day started early

me: What do you mean?

Dad: They must have a pretty nice car-becue going right now

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πŸ‘€︎ u/candidexplorer
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2014
🚨︎ report
"You know what burns my ass?"

<holds had out to the side, palm down, low butt-cheek level>

Flame, 'bout this high.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2014
🚨︎ report

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