…it smells like burnt nose hair?
There are no firearms allowed in this building.
She was waving an illegal fire arm.
...surely you've heard of the "dragon drop" interface.
I found the perfect match!
OK dear but please do not scream or you will wake up your mom too
I have come to the conclusion that the reason for trolls causing flame wars is a direct result of Dungeons and Dragons.
See, in dungeons and Dragons, the only way to kill a troll is with fire and acid. So when a troll enters a forum thread, the flame war that erupts is an attempt to kill the troll with fire.
I suppose an acid war could also erupt, but those who would use acid seem too stoned to care.
It was his claim to flame
He caught fire, then he caught fire.
His name was Medieval Knievel.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
A guy was cutting with an acetylene torch when suddenly there is a break in the line. The acetelyne starts shooting up his arm and a stray spark ignites it. His arm bursts into flame. He starts running around the shop waving his arm around while it's on fire until someone hits him with the fire extinguisher.
After the fire is out and the EMT's arrive, the police are there taking statements from the witnesses. When the officer finishes this, he pulls out his handcuffs, goes over to the burned guy on the ground, pushes the EMT out of the way, and arrests the burned guy.
When he brings the guy to the station, the chief asks him why he arrested this guy when he clearly needs medical attention. The officer responded by saying "He was waving a firearm in public"
... like moUths to a flame.
He couldn't get over an old flame.
Made a nice flaming yawn
One is a flaming Nazi gasbag, and the other is just a dirigible.
So the other day my uncle was riding his '81 Honda, just out for a cruise. And the bike caught on fire. A guy came running up to him and threw him a fire extinguisher. He caught it cause he's a bad ass. Any way after my uncle put out the fire that was melting his bike and burning him. A crowd of about 13 people were gathered around, and he pipes up saying
"Wow, that's one hot bike."
Needless to say no one laughed. He was the only psycho laughing after being on fire minutes before.
The kid kept screaming, screeching poorly-articulated profanities at the disinterested father. Over the screaming chaos, the father managed to order a water for himself, and an orange juice for his kid. The waitress came by with the drink, and within moments the kid smashed his cup onto the floor out of pure, unaimed toddler rage, spilling the drink all over the floor and the waitress.
The father apologized, but asked if the gremlin could still have a second orange juice, hoping the kid would miraculously calm down. The waitress conceded despite the terribly behaved toddler, and returned to the shrieking zone with a second orange juice. She had forgotten to clean up the puddle of orange juice however, and slipped. The cup of juice went straight into the kid's face, and like a fire extinguisher to a flame, the kid just went silent, as if a lesson had been learned. Everyone in the restaurant looked at the table in silence.
Juice twice had finally been served.
In our groups, we were assigned to burn certain mystery elements, and figure out which element they were based on the color of the flame. When we were done, I told my group that we had just become Fire Distinguishers.
It produces a greenish flame and it looks really cool while I'm lighting up my cigarette.
She was flaming hot during the course meal.
He doesn’t notice it and when he gets into his car, he lights a cigarette.
His arm instantly catches on fire.
The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around, attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve.
A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot...for an unlicensed firearm.
We're getting ready for bed, and I let one rip. The gf tells me to light a match to get rid of the smell.
As I'm going to light it, I turn to her: "So I guess you could say there's quite the... <strikes match>....SPARK in the bedroom tonight?"
Groan-filled laughter ensued.
Why did the scarecrow win a prize? Because he stood alone in his field! He stood there for years, rotting, until he was forgotten.
I tell my kids, you’re allowed to watch the TV all you want… Just don’t turn it on! This way they will begin to understand the futility of all things.
How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. Like all animals, it is an automaton, driven by blind genetic imperative, marching slowly to oblivion.
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating? They have no body to go with them! The skeletons are like us: alone, empty, dead already.
I don’t really like playing soccer. I just do it for kicks! Like all of humanity, I pretend to enjoy things, and others pretend to care about my charade.
You hear about the moon restaurant? Good food, no atmosphere! If you eat there, you forfeit your life, which would make no difference to the universe as a whole.
Why did the blonde focus on an orange juice container? It said concentrate! She realized that society’s dep... keep reading on reddit ➡
... my fiancée said "It's probably arson." I retort with "Our son would never do that!"
Its a wonder she's marrying me.
Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.
His order was renown for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist… yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.
And on Sam’s 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew... keep reading on reddit ➡
He had Flaming Hot Chi-toes.
Sparks interest and ignites conversation. Tho it isn't heated discussion, its still a hot topic.
talking with parents after a gathering
Mum: I feel bad for John, he's so antisocial.
Dad: Yeah, he's like an eternal flame!
Me: Eternal flame? What?
Dad: He never goes out!
Mum and I burst out laughing while dad grins proudly
But my stirrups caught erupted in flames.
She’s Waka Flocka’s Flame.
when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.
One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overhe... keep reading on reddit ➡
To keep their pants from falling down.
A flame about that high.
So yesterday My father, Little brother, and I were all eating dinner. We were having random sausages that I cooked up.
Me: "You okay?"
Dad: "I'm fine it's just a little hot."
Me: "Yeah, hot links and flaming hot Cheetos will do that to you."
Dad: "And a hot soda."
Me: "Dad that soda isn't anywhere close to being hot."
Dad: Bends can to give it an hourglass shape "There, now its hot."
Me and Little Brother: heavy sighs
I barback for a friend on Sunday mornings. Part of that job includes cutting my own lemons and limes for brunch service. Because we only order organic produce, it's fairly common to get nasty looking fruit.
I'd been mulling over this thought for weeks, waiting for the perfect moment to capitalize on the growing, searing flame inside of me when finally, after much preparation, I found one. A lemon that looked fine on the outside and was nasty on the inside. I turned to the bartender and simply said, "I think I found a Lemon."
He groaned. And walked away. But the dad's at the bar chuckled a little.
There was a little boy who absolutely loved tractors, so for his 3rd birthday, his father bought him a little toy one. The boy thought this was the best toy he had ever gotten, and ignored all his other gifts to focus on the tractor, pushing it around the lounge whenever he got the chance, making tractor noises etc.
As the boy grows a little bit older, he comes to his 10th birthday, when his dad says "Alright son, you're a little older now, so here you go" before giving him a push-along ride-on tractor for their backyard. The boy thinks this is even better than his now quite old toy tractor, and is taking days off school and everything just to ride around the house and neighbourhood on his push-along tractor.
He gets a little older again, and lo and behold, it's now his 18th birthday. His dad comes up to him during the party and says "Ok son, you're a man now, so here you go" before unveiling a fully functional tractor for his son. "Wow, thanks Dad, this is amazing!" says the son, be... keep reading on reddit ➡
He'll say this while looking straight at me, with a stern look on his face. Frightened, I ask "What?" whilst trying to remember wear I did to piss him off so bad.
He holds his hand at ass-level, grins: "A flame about this high."
I was just watching a news story about a truck of butter bursting to flames on a highway. The news reporter said that the driver and passenger got awat from the accident.
I turned to my grandmother and said "I guess you can say they slipped away."
Q: You know what burns my ass?
Me: what, dear uncle?
A: a flame about this high (holds hand parallel to the ground at ass-level).
My dad gave me this gem when I was little:
Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stomp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stomp out flaming ducks.
You know what burns my butt?
brings hand to waist
A flame about this high
I had steak cooking outside on the grill and when I came back out after a couple of minutes, I found the grill had caught on fire and flames were doing a nice char-grilled number on the meat.
Cue me bursting into full rendition of Alicia Keys' recent song, "This grill is on fire...."
Daughters, wife and mother-in-law were disappointingly unimpressed.
After checking the radio and hearing the cause of the traffic was a car ahead of us that was up in flames,
Dad: Guess they decided to get memorial day started early
me: What do you mean?
Dad: They must have a pretty nice car-becue going right now