Did you hear about the baker that got electrocuted last week?

He stepped on a bun and the currant went right up his leg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sticklemac
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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I apologise if this isn't allowed.

New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoThruTrucks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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A man electrocuted his wife after discovering she had been cheating on him

I read about it in Current Affairs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DannypWooley
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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Did you hear about the kid who kept getting electrocuted ?

His Dad finally grounded him

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
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What do you call a serial killer that likes to electrocute people?

A Killowat

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spellspeaker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
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I just watched a video where a guy gets electrocuted twice.

It was revolting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SayLittleDoMuch
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
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I had a dream that I was electrocuted.

I had a dream that I was electrocuted. Even though I know it's not real, it still hertz.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/disasterbats
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
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I was electrocuted yesterday.

That really Hertz.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bodd19
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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I just electrocuted myself

How do you current-ly feel

Quite amped

Watt did you say

I said it hertz a lot

Oh, that's quite shocking

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGamerBoy015
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2018
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Why can’t locomotive engineers be electrocuted?

Because they are not conductors

text from my dad who just retired from being a train engineer this morning

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rainreset
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2018
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What's the worst part about getting electrocuted?

It hertz.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/no0neiv
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2017
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Electrocuting people...

...is eel legal, but not for human

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πŸ‘€︎ u/radivanna
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2018
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Apparently I was electrocuted yesterday but have no memory of it.

I have no idea watt happened...all I know is my body hertz!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bracemeister123
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2017
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Partly electrocuted on stage, her diminished muscle control meant the orchestra had to figure some things out for themselves. What was she?

A semiconductor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnabbe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2016
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What do you call something that's shockingly cute?

Electrocute.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zerio13
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DCCXXVIII
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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My grandpa always said, β€œAlways try to be the fish going against the current.”

Good man. Got electrocuted every day though.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
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A daring pun train.

A soldier drags a power cable across a battlefield. He is leading the charge.

A stray bullet breaks the cable and the soldier gets electrocuted. He was shell shocked.

The soldier starts flailing, hitting another soldier. He was charged with assault.

The charge jumps to Soldier 2 on contact. It became assault and battery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheWinterPrince52
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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The Ultimate Dad Joke: The Bulgarian Train Driver

Okay, so this has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DylanTheG999
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
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My brother's just fallen through the roof of a French bakery

He's in a world of pain.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jamesthegill
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2015
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My friends aren't talking to me anymore.

Friend 1: He was electrocuted by playing with high tension wires. Friend 2: Oh my god. I wonder how much that would hurt. Me: He was probably in shock... Friend 1+2 glare

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MolassesBrown
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2015
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Was helping my dad replace some old outlets the other day when...

Me: How many times do you think electricians get electrocuted? Dad: Once.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/miaowewo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2013
🚨︎ report
A scientist and his assistant

A scientist and his assistant are in the lab. In front of them is a tank with two fish swimming around. the scientist says to his assistant, "Go into the specimen room and get two more fish."

So the assistant grabs a cart, goes across the hall to the specimen room, puts in his access code on the number panel, pushes the cart in, picks up two fish bowls, each with a fish swimming around, and places them in the cart.

Then he pushes the cart back across the hall into the lab, checking to make sure the door to the specimen room shuts behind him, brings the cart in.

The scientist says, "Pour each fish into the tank with the other two."

So the assistant pushes the cart right next to the tank, picks up each bowl and pours them into the tank with the other fish "

The scientist says, "Now go get some electrical wire out of the storage room."

So the assistant leaves the lab, walks down the hall to the storage room, puts in his access code, grabs a coil of copper wire, marks how much he took on the inventory sign off sheet, leaves the storage room, and locks the door behind him.

So he walks back into the lab with the wire, and the scientist says, "Cut two pieces, each about four feet and place one end of each in the tank."

So the assistant unwraps about eight feet of the copper wire, cuts it in two pieces, and bends one end of each length so they hang on the edge of the tank with six inches into the water.

Then the scientist says, " Now plug each piece of copper wire into that electrical outlet and electrocute the fish "

And the assistant says, "Four watt porpoise?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Redremnant
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2014
🚨︎ report
Worth the read...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas. "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KT11616
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report
So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Willionnaire
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2018
🚨︎ report

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