Dan Rather asks, "Why is the White House suddenly a very polite place to work?" twitter.com/DanRather/sta…
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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If Dan could yell very loud

how loud would Daniel?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmBeeCSGO
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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For the french speaking people : Michael Jackson Γ©tait mal dans sa peau ...

... encore faut-il que ce soit la sienne !

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maramixus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
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This pun is dan-dy
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eben_Marco_K
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
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I named my big cat Dan because he likes small weed-like flowers

Dan de lion

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_otterinabox
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
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Dan day

Cody (6 years old): Dad, what is a "Dan day"?

Me: What do you mean "Dan day"?

Cody: Like "I've been waiting all Dan day!"

Me: 😟

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Av619
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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Dan glanced at the small watch he kept clipped to his belt, and smiled.

"I swear, this is the most convenient object I own. It appears my schedule would indeed allow for a light Netflix binge," he said, time-waistingly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thelastcubscout
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2017
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Do you know the Dans?

Well, there's Charles Dan, Jan Dan, and the whole Dan family!

Uncle just got me with this one. My grandpa says that they're a real family and they live where my grandparents used to live. I had a good laugh. Figured y'all would like this one!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flames5123
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2015
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Two Dans At Works

My name is Dan and I sit next to another Dan at work.

Coworker, looking at us: "We could call you the double-d's." Me: "Yeah, a couple of boobs!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/danthemanatee
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2015
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I have a list of friends who love palindromes!

Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel, and Ellen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
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The Trump White House is so polite these days.

Everyone there is saying β€œPardon me” all the time now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/world-shaker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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I threw an engagement ring at my girlfriend, but she dodged out of the way.

It was a near Mrs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/leif_hans
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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Picture Perfect Puns

Ancient Scot Richard's Warriors: Dick's Picts

Loki - Trick pics (from my brother)

Pictures of an Adam Sandler movie: "Click" pics.

Pictures of a Kaitlin Olson character: The Mick's pics

Screenahots of these comments: Wit pics

Leaky faucet: drip pics

X1 Cumberbatch photos: Benedict pics

X2 Pope photos: Benedict pics (also works)

X3 Turncoat snaps: Benedict pics

X4 "Wong" image: Benedict pics

Legal command: Writ pics

Pictures of twigs: Stick pics

A Christmas Story scene: lick pics

Pictures of a Winter Saint: Nick pics

Syringe photos: prick pics (from a friend)

Sporting goods store images: Dick's pics.

Dan Harmon cartoon character: Rick's pics.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndySkibba
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.

He shouts, β€œA beer please! And one for the road!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/That-Big-Man-J
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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β€œMeat” you or β€œmeet” you?
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Savv1998
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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I was wondering what's taking them so long to count all the votes in Nevada

But I realized it's because their work is Neva Dan

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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Did you hear about the Minotaur they found under the Blue Mosque?

It's Dan Bull

:(

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quaigon_Jim
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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Steven Seagull
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dunkinbiskits
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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What is brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chall101
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2018
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Anyone heard of that basketball player... Druff or something?

I think his first name is Dan.

They say he’s Head & Shoulders above the competition...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bjangles9
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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As my impeccably dressed co-worker has aged, incontinence has set in.

He went from dapper Dan to diaper Dan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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I like latte, but I love this more
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XioLungBao
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2018
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This one does put a smile on my face
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πŸ‘€︎ u/muxamoose
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
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I'm thinking of starting a new website, exclusively so people can subscribe to Ninja Sex Party cover bands.

It's called OnlyDans.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhoShizzity
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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My wife took a vacation day to carry her pet lizard around town in her handbag...

It's a purse anole day for her.

Credit: Brevity by Dan Thompson for May 02, 2020

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
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Every Girl...

My buddy Dan hated this picture.

I told him he had it wrong, because....

https://preview.redd.it/a8938op039o31.jpg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b1efb0347ef57317f3ca2ca41199518c677207bb

.... "Every Girl Crazy 'bout a Shark Dress, Man !"

(spins guitar on belt buckle)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zman4
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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So I told my dad I needed a new computer mic

He then said, β€œwhat about a computer bob or a computer Phil? How about a computer dan?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeSpeedBump
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2018
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Here's a change: In the next 60 Minutes

it will be time for Hugh & Barbara, rather than Dan.

(I know its Muir/Robach and Stahl/Dickerson but I grew up with Mr. Downs and Ms. Walters. Anyone else?)

post time: 2300 GMT -5 12-31-2019

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onejdc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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What do you call an annoying potatoe?

Irritator

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DEF_NOT_ATF
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
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Oh! So you like metal? Then name 3 blacksmiths.

Meirl: Will, Jaden and willow

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AviAdlakha
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
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Car Left

Our neighbor pulled out of his driveway in a Honda. I said "Looks like he left on his own Accord." My wife then walked out of the room

- Dan Regan

@Social_Mime

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Social_Mime
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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What does a dyslexic geneticist name their son?

Dan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IDK-anymore-guys
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
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What do you call a fish with no legs?

A fish.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tjamesmett
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
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My uncle is convinced that his wife prevents flakey scalp in the hair

She's Aunty Dan Druff

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jrobbio
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
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What did the Spanish guy say when he realised his car was missing

No se dan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarckFruckerburg
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
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Talking to a conductor at the train station

Background: Where I live, we have these little plastic cards instead of tickets to get on trains. You load it up with money electronically and then "touch on" at the train station and "touch off" when you get off at your destination. The other day I touched on at the station. Shortly after arriving, the meeting I had been going to got postponed. So I touched off. I wanted to make sure that I hadn't been charged for sitting in the station for five minutes so I went up to the ticketing booth.

Me: Is there anyway for me to check the balance of this online or something?

Conductor: Oh, no need. I can do that for you!

He takes the card, places it on the end of his finger, and holds it up to his eyes.

Conductor: Yep, perfectly balanced!

I think he was surprised by how funny I found this.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChoozeGooze
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2013
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Who is the most cheerful vampire?

Count Chocular

(credit: UK writer Dan Whitehead)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrankCobretti
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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What did the members of ABBA say to Mr. Aykroyd when they wanted to hear Bohemian Rhapsody at karaoke night?

Dan, sing Queen!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
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WWE Wrestler Puns (Rap) youtu.be/yivM1mqMM3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/J_tt
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2016
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This happend today. An American walks into the store

Dad: where are you from?

American: Wisconsin

Dad: you ever been to Australia?

American: yes

Dad: have you seen the dangerous? ( dan-ga-rouse-)

American: ???

Dad: you keep seeing signs saying dangerous.

Thought this was the perfect subreddit to post it. Also dads reading this. Please stop the: I'll do it next year joke."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dankmeme96
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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today at work i said to my coworker

Dan do you ever sing in the shower? -no why?

oh are you not a fan of dirty dancing?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rokyoshi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
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Ordering potatoe skins in a restaurant

Him> how many come in an order? Waitress> Four Him> Four what? Waitress> Four skins

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeyggg
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2014
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β€œWould you like to be known on TV as Daniel?”

β€œNo. I prefer Dan, rather.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2018
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An Indian builder has fallen through a roof at a Lionel Richie concert in Mumbai.

"The last thing I saw was Dan Singh on the ceiling", said a spokesman this evening.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bakerie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2016
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Easter themed dad joke

Yesterday at work one of my colleagues brought in a big box of mini eggs for us.

The guy at the desk next to me opened a pack and started sorting them by colour.

'Dan', I said. 'You can't do that!'

'Why not?' he replied.

'It's eggregation!'

Cue groans from the office.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShinyJaker
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2017
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They should rename the border between Denmark and Germany.

The DAN-GERzone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/truddilutten
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2014
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