My doc seems to think I either have a wizard or orthopedic footwear...
He said I have mage or healthy shoes.
-Doc, I have hearing problems
-Could you describe the symptoms?
-Marge has blue hair and Homer is a fat guy
A man tells his doctor : "Doc, help me, I'm addicted to Twitter"
The doctor replies : "Sorry I don't follow you..."
A patient bursts into his therapist's office and shouts, "Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming that I'm trapped in a deck of cards!"
The therapist turns from his current patient and says, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."
“Doc, I think I might have ADHD, because I can’t remember where I parked my Ford!”
Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works.
Man: But I keep losing my Focus!
My doc said I shouldn't be making puns on diabetes its a serious disease..
I said I can't help it doc, its a pun-creatic disease.
A guy wakes up from surgery. "How'd it go, Doc?" "Well, I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that we amputated the wrong leg...
The good news is that your other leg is all better."
I went to the docs because of sore feet..
He said "Gout."
I replied "But I've just got here."
Doc's office takin' the piss out of ya!
What is Doc Brown's favorite drink?
Doc Visit
When Dermatologist finishes looking me over, he asks if anything strange was on my penis. ( I was wearing undies). I said " once in awhile the wife"
“Doc, all five of my sons want to be valets when they grow up!”
Doctor: Holy shit, this is the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen!
A bloke was getting upset when he found out he needed glasses. “Oh glasses doc, do I have to wear them?”
“Only if you want to see”
Nurse: Okay doc, here's the list of heart and kidney donors in alphabetical order
Doc: Wow, it's very organized ;)
A man walks into a doctors office. “What seems to be the problem?” Asks the doc. “It’s... um... well... i have five penises.” Replies the man. “Blimey!” Says the doctor, “how do your trousers fit?” “Like a glove.”
My friend just emailed a file called RomeoandJuliet.doc.
“Doc, I feel constopetid!!”
Doctor: I think you mean constipated.
Man: No, I had a vowel movement.
Wow i have to take onenote from that guy, made me laugh so bad i had to go to the DOC
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says to this guy. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.” “Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?” “Ten…” the doctor says slowly.
“Nine... eight… seven...”
Doctor: Sir, I am sorry to say that you have onomatopoeia... Patient: What is it, doc?
Doctor: It’s exactly what it sounds like.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks ...
“It’s easy, you just not eating properly” the doctors replies.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
Sorry, It’s not a good hearted joke.
I told my doc I need help because I'm addocted to Twitter...
Doc said he doesn't follow.
The doc gave me 6 months to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years
I found an old file on my computer Romeo&Juliet.doc
Turns out that it was a play on word.
Boba Fett has been hired to steal Doc Brown’s time machine
He’s after that man’s delorean
Went to see my doc to get small squares drawn all over me.
A man walks into the Drs office with a duck on his head. The doctor says "What can I do for you today?" The duck says "Doc, can you get this guy off my tail?"
So I walked into doctor’s office and said “Doc can you help me out ?“
He said “Sure, which way did you come in?”
A man walks into a doctor's office with celery in one ear, peas in the other, and a carrot up each nostril, and says "Doc, I don't feel well". The doctor replies "It's because you aren't eating right."
I was at the Doc and he said pick any starsign like any.
Me: Capricorn
Doc: Nah you got Cancer
“Doc, I was reading WebMD and I think I might have Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. Would you agree?”
Doctor: That’s hard to say.
The doc came in and let me know he was here to deliver our baby
I told him that we would prefer if the baby kept its liver.
“Doc, I feel dizzy, I have a headache, and I feel weak.”
Doctor: Flu?
Me: No, I took the bus.
“Doc, I ate one of those “do not eat” silica packets. Am I going to die?”
Doctor: Well, everyone will die eventually.
Man: Everyone? What have I done?
“Doc, my wife was just admitted to the hospital with violent butt spasms. Do you know where she is?”
Doctor: ICU baby, shaking that ass.
Doc: You can get dressed now.
Grumpy: Yeah, you are making Snow White uncomfortable.
Saw this in the CS commons. We have a bad pun CSer on our hands doc.
“Doc, I think I have a serious issue. A piece of lettuce is sticking out of my butt!”
Doc: I’m afraid that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Doc said my eyesight was getting really bad...
told him to just wait a year as it would be 2020!
What's it called when someone walks up and down the beach, inspecting doc(k)s?
I went to my psychiatrist and said, "Doc. Every night I have this dream. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam.
He said relax, you're two tents.
A man barges into the doctor’s office and says “Doc, you’ve got to help me! I’ve turned invisible!!”
“I’m sorry,” the doctor replies, “but I can’t see you right now.”
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Since 2006, there have been eight dwarves in the Disney canon - Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, Dopey, Doc...
My friend wanted me to send him a pun, so I emailed him Macbeth.doc as an attachment.
A man walks into the doctor's office and says "Doc, I want to live to be 90"
Doctor: "Do you drink alcohol?"
Man: "No"
Doctor: "Smoke marijuana?"
Man: "No"
Doctor: "Do any other drugs or partying?"
Man: "No"
Doctor: "Fool around with a lot of loose women?"
Man: "No"
Doctor: "...what to you want to live to 90 for?"
Been sick lately, went to the doc yesterday. Got my wife good later.
I picked up a head cold from my toddler and was worried about it progressing to something worse. Texted my doc, and he said to come in ASAP. That afternoon, he prescribed for me some cough meds, and a nasal steroid to help with the blockage.
I get home, and after putting the still-snotty kiddo to bed, my wife and I retreated to the boudoir to talk and relax. She wanted to know what Doc prescribed. She gave me the perfect setup for a dad joke.
Me: Oh, some pearls and codeine for the cough, and a steroid spray for my nose.
Wife: Where is it?
Me: (pointing at nose) It's right here in the middle of my face.
She laughed. Good thing we were far enough away we didn't wake up the kid.
Patient to therapist: "Doc, I keep dreaming of a wigwam; then a teepee. Then a wigwam, then a teepee."
Therapist: "Obviously, you're just two tents."
Why was Doc Brown so afraid of running into himself when he traveled through time?
He didn't want to cause a temporal pair-o-docs.
I don't even have any kids, but I managed this at the Doc's
Doctor: "Viagra and Cialis both cost the same, but for some guys the Cialis works for two days in a row."
Me: "So you're saying I get more bang for my buck?"
My GI doc said I was gonna need an esophagogastroduodenoscopy here soon.
I don't know how comfortable I am with that, it sure is a mouth full.
The manual for whatsapp is the whatsapp doc.
A man walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I'm not feeling well."
The doctor says, "Okay, well have a seat." He then walks out of the room for a moment and comes back with a Labrador Retriever. The dog sniffs him a bit, then the doctor walks him back out of the room with his tail wagging. A couple minutes pass, and the doctor comes back with a cat. He rubs the cat all over the man until it meows, then takes it back out of the room. The doctor then returns and says, "Well, you seem fine to me. That'll be $1000."
The man, flabbergasted, yells, "$1000?! There wasn't even anything wrong with me!"
The doctor replies, "Well it rounds out to that between the lab work and the cat scan..."
Doc Brown's First Time Machine
Did you know Doc Brown's first attempt at a time machine wasn't a DeLorean? It was a white water raft. The problem was he couldn't get it up to 88 so he was unable to leave the current.
Pair-A-Docs Paradox
I was telling my dad how I put the small TARDIS he got me for Christmas inside of a big TARDIS I bought a while ago and how I created a Paradox. He then pointed out that if each of the TARDISs had a Doctor in it, it really would be a "Pair-A-Docs"
Another One From Doc
I was about twelve years old and driving somewhere with my Dad (Doc). It was one of my first times in the front seat. Suddenly, my Dad shoots out his big hand and grabs the top of my head. He holds my head like that for a few moments and then lets go.
After a few moments I ask him, "Why did you do that?"
"Just obeying the traffic laws," he replied.
Even at twelve I thought that was a bit questionable. "What do you mean?" I asked.
"Didn't you see the sign? It said 'Stop Ahead'."
“Doc, I think I have ADHD. I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford.”
Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works.
“But I keep losing my Focus!”
Doc, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doc: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I have ever seen.
"Doc, all my 5 kids want to be valets when they grow up!"
Doctor: "Wow! That's the worst case
of parking son's disease I've ever
seen.''
Patient: I think I have ADHD I can’t remember where I parked my Ford. Doc: That doesn’t really mean anything... Patient: But I keep losing my focus
A man walks into a doctors office. "What seems to be the problem'P" Asks the doc. um... well... I have five penises," replies the man. "Blimey!" Says the doctor "how do your trousers fit?"
“I feel like such a failure, doc. All my 5 boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
Doctor: WOW! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.
Doc told me it was time to get dressed.
He said I was making Snow White uncomfortable.
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