I bought a container of protein powder, but then had to spend several seconds with my fingers knuckle-deep in the powder itself, trying to fish out the little plastic scoop that’s included.

Man I’m glad that’s out of the whey.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/astrosmash77
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend demanded that I tell him about 2 types of water containers.

I responded with "Well dam!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HypnoSnurtle
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I put my grandfather's ashes In a new container recently.

He really urn-ed it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SHOETOOSMALL
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I killed an entire container of garbanzo bean spread.

It was hummuside.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I would like a set of containers for my kitchen. I would like to store my baking soda, borax, milk of magnesia, drain cleaner, and ammonia. Most importantly, they need to have very secure lids.

I like to keep all my bases covered.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Legitimate-Hair
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't you surprise plastic containers?

They are top aware.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Andrama
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I just realized that I forgot to seal all my spices in airtight containers.

I’m expecting to have a bad thyme.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My mum was putting away a container of raspberries and remarked that is was leaking

I said "Maybe you should put it in the vegetable drawer"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StefDraws69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I laughed at the magician when he said he could make the entry way into a container..

Then he left and the door was ajar.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
The decision for a liquid to fill the shape of whatever container they are in is...

InVOLUMEtary

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Minzato
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I hear Finland doesn't have takeout containers in restaurants....

Because people always finnish their meals.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dani_SF
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?

Pulp fiction.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
You know, not everyone can preserve perishable goods inside metallic containers

But I can!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thattransgal
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
*wife drops phone into container with daughter’s goldfish crackers*

Oh no you dropped your phone in the fish bowl now it’s gunna be all wet

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LetsAspire
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Brining pickles makes them last much longer than fresh cucumbers, but packing them in air-tight containers…

That's what really seals the dill.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Who_GNU
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
If I ever own a business, I'm going to install a revolving door that looks like a glass container...

...that way, the door is always ajar.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xSchneebSx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I always keep a Bieber container nearby for emergencies

Justin case

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/v0xx0m
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What would you call a container full of grizzlys?

A bearell

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsArgon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I left my wife for someone I met at the container store.

It was a sorted affair.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NThruThe0utdoor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I have 2 part-time jobs. For one, I put sodas into aluminum containers. For the other, I document a person's desires regarding what happens to their property after death

I can and I will.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the pirate say after spilling his chocolate drink in a container of Bacardi?

Yoo-hoo hoo in a bottle of rum!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend has been having the hardest time getting pool noodles air frieighted in. Last night, he said he's going to have them sent on a container ship...

I said, "whatever boats your float."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife has a container of all her old bra's

They are in her mammary box

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimmytheelf
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Could you imagine a reality where every container you opened was filled with German sausage?

That's really the Wurst Case Scenario

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/carks
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad goes to Mexican restaurants and shakes the empty chip container like a peddling homeless man and says : "Chips for the poor favor"

He does it to this day and laughs every time, my sister and mother have chosen to start ignoring that type of behavior which makes it funnier to me

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_var_log_messages
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2015
🚨︎ report
Why does it hurt when you throw a gas container at someone?

Because it's propain

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IAmALoser44
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad told me I should put my dried herbs in an airtight container....

...he gave me some sage advice.

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stoneyzepplin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cylindrical container full of clowns rolling down the hill?

A barrel of laughs.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container?

Because it said β€œconcentrate”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/schneckesweets
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Chinese food take away: $10. Cab fare to get it: $6. Getting back home and realising they forgot one of your containers....

Riceless.

πŸ‘︎ 216
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πŸ‘€︎ u/v_cleaner
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2015
🚨︎ report
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.

It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bentron4000
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Expanding gas in a sealed container is

Da bomb.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My mom's priest's potager chef's container

Is also my mother's father's brother's cistern

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/justclay
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad gave me a container of ham and bean soup labeled β€œ239 beans.”

When I asked if he counted them all, he said if he added one more it will be β€œtoo farty”

soup pic

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TinyLittleHamster
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2018
🚨︎ report
A quick court trial of a man charged with stealing men's underwear in his leather rectangular container

A brief case

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bossofthemoss07
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2018
🚨︎ report
My sister couldn’t open a spice container, so she asked me for help.

I looked at it and said β€œSo... you need me to... Open Sesame?”

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CharlotteZard2016
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call an empty container of cheese wiz?

Cheese was

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wilfredbrimly1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2016
🚨︎ report
What do you an Italian soup container full of negatives?

Bolognese

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2017
🚨︎ report
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?

Because a bottle knows dolphin.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2017
🚨︎ report
When is a door a container?

When it's ajar

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I think I lost my sausage container

This is the wurst case scenario

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/garboooge
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
🚨︎ report

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