After careful consideration, I’ve decided to go on an entirely vegetarian based diet.

I will now only eat animals that are herbivores.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thestateofflow
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
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What is considerably more valuable than a dad bod?

A father figure

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πŸ‘€︎ u/repostssleuthbot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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It is amazing how a considerable ammount of people think chocolate milk comes from brown cows...

But I am still looking for the pink cows!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Parkwad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.

We were maid for each other.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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You can say that a considerate hoe is

Thotful!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buttengine
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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I went to see my doctor about my bowel problem.

He said, "What's the problem?"

I said, "Well, lately I've been measuring the length of my bowel movements, and they are considerably smaller than what they should be. About 8.5 centimetres smaller, in fact."

He said, "Sounds to me like you need to get out more."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
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I Always Knock On The Fridge Door Before Opening It...

Just in case there's a salad dressing.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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Better grades
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gargolito
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
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My son just told his first dad joke at 13 and I’m so proud

So my kids are clearing the dishes after dinner, it’s their job every day. My daughter was scraping all the scraps in the bin, which contained some food. Son: β€œJeze Lauren you need to be more considerate, every 60 seconds in Africa a minute passes”.... Ded πŸ’€

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adz1179
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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Did you hear about Russel Crow's recent problems with cannibalism? At first he expressed shame about eating the mother of two.

But upon further consideration he was gladiator.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AShiggles
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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I took ten photos of myself in the shower, but hated them all.

Turns out I have selfie-steam issues

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πŸ‘€︎ u/h8speech
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2017
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How does an ant put on a tie?

With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
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"I DON'T GIVE AN F!!"

Said the considerate teacher

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πŸ‘€︎ u/topderp1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2017
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Did I ever tell you the one about the guy who cracked the egg and found two lines of hairs inside? No?

Well, upon further consideration, maybe that yolk's two eyebrow.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2017
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A man goes to buy a horse (long)

So he finds the man who owns the horse. The owner takes him to the stable. The buyer asks to take the horse for a test ride.

 

"Okay," says the owner. "But I'm a retired church pastor. The horse will only go forward if you say, 'Praise the lord.' He will only stop moving if you say 'Hallelujah.' "

 

Feeling annoyed, the buyer says "That's fine," and he gets up on the horse. After the seller returns to the house, the buyer, mounted on the horse, whips the reins and says, "Hiyah!!" The horse doesn't move. "Yah," he said, spurring the horse. Still no movement. Feeling a little embarrassed and stupid, he complied to the owner's instruction. "Praise the Lord," he mumbled, and the horse began quickly trotting away from the stable.

 

Wow, the buyer thought, excited. I wonder how fast this horse can go. "Praise the Lord," he said, this time at normal volume. The horse sped up considerably.

 

Amazing! I must have this horse! the buyer thought. "Praise the Lord!" he shouted. "Praise the Lord!" And the horse kept speeding up. The stable behind them was no longer visible.

But the horse and the buyer were speedily approaching a huge canyon. Seeing this ahead, the buyer commanded, "St- stop! Whoaaa, horse!" But the horse kept the charge forward. "Hallelujah!" the buyer shouted. And the horse stopped at the edge of the vast canyon, with only inches of ground to spare.

Looking up to the sky, the buyer sighed in relief. "Praise the Lord."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/littlekuribandit
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2017
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Italian Dad

I visited my girlfriend in Italy, her dad didn't speak much english and I didn't speak much Italian. He's a really big Italian guy, and everytime we ate, my girlfriend would always have a really healthy meal. He would always get up from the table and say "my daughter is TOP model, top model" while spinning around and doing the most girly little dance.

Also everytime money was brought into conversation (he's considerably frugal) he would start kneeling hypothetically and praising the jew god, claiming he was of jewish descent.

Lol.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KarmaBender
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
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My husband did a super sweet dad joke.

Yesterday was our anniversary and he was in a really bad mood since his boss changed his schedule around without any consideration to him or our family. Anyway, while he was getting out of the car I said: "Maybe it would make you feel better to tell your wife Happy Anniversary before you leave." Husband: "I'll tell you the next time I see you." He opens the back door of the car to get his stuff out, he looks at me and says "Happy Anniversary."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnicornLaser
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2014
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A powerful explosion in the county courtroom...

...had considerable impact on the prosecutor's hearing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeywithanr
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2014
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My new favourite Dad joke

An Aussie blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'but Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the entrance exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?''

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?' The blonde replied, 'Twelve!' 'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?' 'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' He walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.' 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'and what is the answer?' 'It's Andy.' 'Andy??' 'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde. This totally floored St Peter and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrTelly
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2014
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