How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed.( Made by my 5 year old niece)
You buy it from the cat-alogue
Closely watch what happens
Screwing in some camera mounts and I dropped my drill, it came so close to hitting my daughter in the head...
Good thing it was only a drill!
What does the closed sign on a brothel say?
What are closed captions called in south Asia?
To all the members of this subreddit, an open letter:
Sorry I've been so quiet here today. I've been keeping a close eye on the local news. Apparently there's a lad going around stabbing people with knitting needles.
Police say he may be following a pattern.
Diabetes medication has a profit margin close to 1000%
Now that's just Insul(t)in'
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
Can’t get my head around why Timpsons was closed today.
Surely they’re key workers?
Why is Sean Connery’s family so close-knit?
Because they share a special Bond.
Why was the director unhappy with the close-ups in the Dark Knight trilogy?
All he was getting was Bale-ful looks.
All the hair dressers all closed due to covid, so I start looking to the black market for a haircut
But I heard they were under cutting everyone
Why did the German baker close down?
Because all his goods were Stollen.
For my birthday in mid-January, I invited a few friends over to a highly populated urban residential area consisting mostly of closely packed, decrepit housing units inhabited primarily by impoverished persons.
It's my first slum-brrrr party so wish us luck!
What did the tree do when the bank was closed?
As this year is coming to a close, I find myself thinking about all the things I would have done differently.
Seems like I got 20/20 hindsight.
I was getting close to retiring and offered my compost business to my son.
He replied, “I refuse to work with compost! It’s so degrading!”
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
grandpa told me: "if a door closes somewhere, another opens
he was a really bad cabinet maker...
Bought a Raspberry Bomb pudding for Xmas. Close to sell by date.
Better eat it before it goes off.
Dwayne Johnson is a really nice guy, so he always makes sure he's as close to the wall as possible...
He hates putting anyone between The Rock and a hard place.
My grandfather always said that when one door closes, another one opens.
He was a terrible cabinetmaker.
My grandpa always told me "when one door closes another one opens."
A lovely and inspiring man...makes shit cabinets though.
Have you seen where Harry Potter’s magical wand was made? If you look closely, it says:
How does a Muslim close the door?
Finland has just closed their borders
No one will be crossing the finish line
Got this from my 7 yr old this morning while he was getting in the car and didn’t get the door closed completely.
When is a door also a good container?
When it’s ajar.
Wren kitchens have just been closed down by the police
Apparently it was a big counter fitting operation
Last light I seen a drunk couple weaving all over the street
I thought ‘honestly, get a loom’.
The vegetable shop had to close
The vegetable shop had to close down.
Why?
IT WAS FULL OF LEEKS
I'm closely watching how this contested election affects the volatility of the stock markets.
I call it the "Al Gore Rhythm" method.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.
Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary. Six is afraid of Seven because he is a damn psychopath.
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision?
I came so close to singing "the lion sleeps tonight"
I was only a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
My dad always said "as one door closes another one opens"
He never quite got the hang of assembling Ikea furniture.
It's important to lose closely at lawn signs during election campaigns....
Last time I cast my vote for a real estate agent.
Why did the almond close the blinds?
Because her neighbour was always pecan.
Daughter: "Can you open this, dad?"
opens the jar
Yep! I sure can!
closes it back and hands it back
My daughter again " ..... "
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing...
But this is as close as I could get.
Nail salons closed, Lash salons closed, Hair salons closed, Tanning salons closed, waxing salons closed...
It's about to get ugly out there.
Stay safe.
Sleeping is so easy, I do it with my eyes closed
When one door closes, another one opens
Other than that, it’s a pretty good car.
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