What kind of cheese do you attract a bear with?

Camembert

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oldbayfries
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dessert that attracts bugs?

A moussequito

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hot_Potato_MC
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad once told me that if I put a potato in my swim trunks, I would attract more women...

He forgot to tell me to put the potato in the front

πŸ‘︎ 251
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Funny-Promise956
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
They say opposites attract; so if your mum/mom serious, then your...

Dad jokes!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dantr1x
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you attract a squrrel

Climb like a tree and act like a nut

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bishboshTV
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote β€œAnt” in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.

You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vtfb79
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What did ancient Egyptian kings use to attract females?

Pharaoh moans.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/siphodeus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
What is the best way to attract a farmer's daughter?

A tractor

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VizKaz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Fireflies are able to generate a bright light to attract mates...

They have "hi" beams!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
🚨︎ report
There’s only one thing that attracts me to politics...

Parties.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dens382
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2018
🚨︎ report
To attract new visitors, the Museum of Natural History ran a promotion where they gave away actual dinosaur vertebrae from their collection.

Everyone was taken aback.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/this_is_grand
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Gotta attract the customers
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dharmabummin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2018
🚨︎ report
How do you attract ghosts to your cafe?

Set up a wifi cold-spot.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klingers
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2017
🚨︎ report
I hope this attracts your interest. imgur.com/rWuGX2d
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rasamson
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2015
🚨︎ report
What did ancient Egyptians use to attract mates?

Pharaoh-mones.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BobbyBirdseed
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2016
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I can't believe I've become attracted to statues...

Now I've really hit rock bottom.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrowsyDuck005
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m attracted to all couches...

...guess that makes me pansectional

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elko
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
How do we know that women are attracted to corny jokes?

Because otherwise we wouldn't call them 'dad' jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlammerEye
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I have an odd attraction to a bounty hunter in Star Wars...

Guess I have a Boba Fetish

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flylink63
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do people find glasses so attractive?

Because people look good with them!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TwatBadgerExpress
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
As a single dad money can be tight. But even when I’m on a date and I know I’m not attracted to her, I still like to get the door for her and let her walk through. It makes her feel appreciated.

And it makes it easier to slam the door and run so I don’t have to pay for dinner.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/skullchin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are the blind attracted to acne?

Easier to read people.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you win the heart of a female Farmer?

Attract her.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/digiBeLow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
My male child recently revealed that he's attracted to both men and women

He's my bi son.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CocoBandicoot99
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Ever heard of the polar bear that lives on both north & south poles, is manic depressive and attracted to both sexes?

Hes known as the bi-polar bi-polar bi polar bear.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My son joined a group of people that are sexually attracted to young horses.

I'm worried he may be in a colt

πŸ‘︎ 120
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens when two drops of dew are attracted to each other?

They get a due date.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VaiterZen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are women attracted to mummies?

Pharaoh Moans.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alaska_Engineer
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are men attracted to cleaning ladies?

Because they deter gents

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Wow that pen is so attractive.

Maybe I am pensexual.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScytheMaster35
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the new pickletown attraction?

It's a really big dill

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad, who are pansexuals attracted to?

People from all Woks of life, son.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PityNoodz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night, my girlfriend told me I'm very attractive and she's a lucky lady.

I told her if I'm attractive then she's a moLUCKular lady.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joker0812
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Attracting R. Kelly...
πŸ‘︎ 490
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Harqssy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know the PS5 was originally going to be called the PSPSPSPSPS.

But it was attracting cats too much.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/potatomaster_72
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I met a woman once at a party celebrating my father's 50th birthday.

We got to talking and I found out she worked as a stunt double on some pretty big name movie sets. She looked to be at least 10 years my senior but very fit and attractive and we both seemed to really be hitting it off.

Because all the immediate family in the local area had thrown a smaller, more private celebration for my father a few days prior, I didn't really feel a need to stick around any longer, so I asked the woman if she was interested in sharing some drinks with me at the nearby Hilton where I was staying. She happily accepted.

Suddenly, I turned towards the sound of my father's voice cheerfully calling out the name "Andra" (pronounced ON-druh) and my own as he approached. Andra, the woman I had been speaking with, turned towards him, glanced quickly back at me, then looked back again at my father and with a disconcerted look on her face exclaimed, "Oh brother!"

And that's when I realized the double, Aunt Andra.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A__Wild__Goose
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Do you know the worst part about hugging the most attractive person I know?

Smacking into the mirror

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awburrou
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was Popeye first attracted to Olive Oyl?

He heard she was extra virgin.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Riverrat423
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a hot magnet?

Attractive

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ndGall
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you make attractive people view your posts?
πŸ‘︎ 270
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrMystery12
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Once I was in a yogurt shop minding my own business, when I heard a couple of women talking in an interesting accent at one of the nearby tables.

I glanced over and noticed that they were quite attractive. A little on the larger side, but that never stopped me before. So, yogurt cup in hand, I boldly approached their table.

β€œExcuse me,” I said, β€œI couldn’t help but overhear your conversation, and I noticed your lovely accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland by any chance?”

They immediately bristled at my question, obviously offended, and one of them snapped at me, β€œIt’s Wales!”

β€œNo offense intended,” I replied. β€œPlease allow me to try again...are you two whales from Scotland?”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schoonerw
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
The most attractive thing about your mom...

Is her gravitational pull

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my son if he wanted a job that made women attracted to him that he should become an astronaut.

They get all the tang they want, after all.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/plmcalli
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2020
🚨︎ report
In reality every person is a terraphil

It's a scientific fact: you can never be so attracted to an other person as you are attracted to the Earth

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NECRONOS89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic.
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person that’s sexually attracted to trains?

A tramsexual.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimmythecow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are Banannas so attractive

Because they are appealing

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlaqSunshyne-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Hay bales under a buck
πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HulkHoff
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I believe in a cosmic force...

I am especially attracted by gravity, it keeps me grounded.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/staalmannen
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do beekeepers have the most attractive eyes?

Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fayette-Phantom
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you attract a bear with cheese?

Camembert.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1Tausend
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2017
🚨︎ report

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