A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase. He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs. So he calls the ASPCA and tells the woman who answers what he’s found...
She says, “Oh, that’s horrible. Are they moving?”
The guy replies, “I don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”
Just came across a pun thread on r/dadjokes....thought it belonged here.Enjoy :)
I came across this equation on my chemistry test - C2H6O...
Looks like I have an alcohol problem.
If my name was Travis, I would get a tee shirt and put my name across the chest.
I tried peeing from across the bathroom today
I saw this come across the ticker at a sports bar I work at.
What is a sharks favorite illegal substance?
>!Reefer!<
Stadiums across the country are experiencing severe overheating
Experts say its the lack of fans.
Breaking news! Wineries across the country are forced to temporarily layoff employees.
It's being called the great Merlot furlough.
I came across a list of ingredients to make plastic explosives.
I thought to myself, "Boy this looks like a real recipe for disaster!"
My friend wanted to walk across a large Ukrainian river
I said it's not a good idea because it's Dnieper than you think.
Two travelers are lost in the woods when they come across a man lying in their path.
One says, “We’re saved! We can ask him for directions!” His friend, however, had a somber expression on his face.
“Doesn’t something seem off to you about this man?” he replies, gesturing to the figure lying prostrate on the road before them.
“What do you mean?” said the first, confusion splayed across his features.
“I mean we can’t trust a thing he says. He’s a pathological lier.”
I was feeling a little depressed, and then I saw a clown doing sit-ups across the street.
Funny how things work out.
If you come across a cow in post-apocalyptic times, you'd better not let it go.
That would be a missed steak.
A teenage girl came across an elderly man sitting next to his radio, tapping his cane to a Lil Wayne song.
"Wow! I didn't think you'd like rap music!"
"I didn't, either," the old man replied. "It all started after my hip op".
Who led the Jewish people across a semi permeable membrane?
I'm determined to walk with my wife across the second largest state in the USA, even if she wants to walk across the largest.
Regardless if it Texas along time, Alaska.
My dad was doing a crossword the other day, he shouted across the room, 'Help me with 11 down the clue is: Over worked Postman'. 'How may letters?' I asked.
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it
How does a flower get a boat across the lake?
Me and my son came across a fake Bamboo plant.
Looks like we got Bamboozled.
While visiting the museum, I saw my ex girlfriend standing across the hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
Bear with me... came across this and decided to post it because it looked cool
Came across an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”
I thought, “I can’t turn that down”
Found this glove zip tied to the stop sign across from my house.
These two dinosaurs were walking one day and they came across another dinosaur they had never seen before, eating plants. One says "Who is that?!" and the other replies...
"I dunno. I've never seen herbivore!"
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...
"I'm measuring your patience!"
I had been sailing for days when I came across an ocean of pies.
I called it The Piecific Ocean.
Did you hear about the two houses across the neighborhood from each other that fell in love?
It was a lawn distance relationship.
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. I’m a pretty liberal guy but if I’m having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
My tailor kept yanking my pant leg til it dragged across the carpet.
"Bro, would you cut me some slack?"
what do you call a woman who can stretch her legs across a tennis court?
What does the Cessna pilot say when you ask him to fly across the Atlantic?
I once came across some dead batteries...
They were all free of charge!
I came across a really good study about procrastination...
I might get around to reading it later.
While hiking in Madagascar an explorer came across a hot spring.
It was a site for sore aye-ayes.
My wife just got a breast reduction surgery done and the doctor slapped a couple pieces of paper across her nipples that had bandage removal tips...
They were post-tit notes.
There were once two cats. They were called One Two Three and Un Deux Trois. They had a race across a stream. One Two Three won. Why?
Because Un Deux Trois cat sank!
A local town (Bulls, New Zealand) has signs with bull puns scattered across the town at points of interest.
Last October, I was walking through the cemetery and I came across a trash can where someone had thrown out their Kraft halloween monster themed mac and cheese...
It was the mac.
It was the monster mac.
the monster mac
was in the graveyard trash.
Quality pun found in almost every sink across America
My neighbor kept running across my lawn and then pretends to get blown up by explosives.
I’m tired of his mine games.
Anytime I tell a terrible joke to my kids, I walk away from them and yell it from across the room.
If they groan, I say, “I think I took this joke too far.”
Purhaps I came across as kneady
My problematic teen kid just fled across the border
He really crossed the line this time!
I periodically come across jokes such as these...
A herd of wildebeests was ranging across Africa, destroying huts and missionaries...
When they were all killed, the newspaper headline read, "No gnus is good news!"
My dad asked me to turn on the water heater. To which I replied “It’s on”. Only to see my dad run across the kitchen yelling “It’s on okay bring it no holding back!”
Today, in my garden, I came across a creature that was a cross between man and cat!
A young woman was rummaging through her grandmother’s belongings, and she came across a mysterious lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp, Rick Astley appeared before her and said, “I will give you three wishes.”
A young woman was rummaging through her grandmother’s belongings, and she came across a mysterious lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp, Rick Astley appeared before her and said, “I will give you three wishes.”
She thought for a moment and said, “For my first wish I would like to end world hunger.” “An admirable request. Consider it granted!” Rick said.
“For my second wish, I would like world peace.” “Ah, this is a very difficult request, but it has been done. And for your final request?”
She thought for a moment and decided to make this a selfish wish. “As a movie buff, I would like a copy of every movie in the world in my own private collection.” The genie a bit taken back . . . . paused and said, “This I cannot do . . .” “Why!?” The women exclaimed. “ You can fix world hunger and end all wars, but you cannot complete this simple task?!” The Genie looked away and said, “I can, but your collection will not be complete . . . you see . . . I’m never gunna give you Up!”
What do you call a horse who lives across the street from you?
I came across this gem earlier
I just came across my first Snapchat story...
Why was the toad not able to make it across the road.
My barber across the street recently got arrested for selling drugs. I was his customer for years,
I didn't even know he was a barber!
Two people went on a hike and came across some tracks. One argued they were foxes and the other said they were a deers
They were still arguing when the train hit them tho 🚞
Why did the amphibian run across the street?
He was about to get toad.
Stumbled across an unforseen pun
My Dad is currently riding his bicycle across America to raise awareness for Colon Cancer...
[and posted a picture of him and his bike on a rest day.] (https://i.imgur.com/IapqomG.png)
Edit: Whoa this is getting popular. I live on the other side of the world, and am about to go to bed, but I am just going to put his [donation page] (http://ccf.convio.net/site/TR?px=3433802&fr_id=1580&pg=personal) at the top of the post if anyone is interested. It is no big deal, but if someone is looking, I thought I'd put it at the top. Either way, you all are going to make his day when I show him how many people appreciated his joke. I just hope this doesn't mean that I have to laugh at all of them from now on...
This is still one of the best I've ever come across
A family of beavers walk across a river. Then the dad said to the family.
My wife and I went on a trip to Cuba to stay at a few different places. By the end of week 2, we were walking barefoot across a beach, nearly dying of thirst and exhausted. We were wondering if we'd make it home, until I spotted a server holding some drinks. We sprinted towards her and drank both.
There's a gang of shoplifters going across town systematically stealing clothes according to size.
Police say they're still at Large
If you’re trying to get your point across about something, try adjusting the decibel level of your voice up and down while talking.
It will speak volumes to people.
I was walking across a lake and suddenly a gator appeard and started guiding me
While filling an online survey, I came across a gender option: Canadian.
I think they meant Eh-sexual.
Why can you never "run" across a campsite, but only "ran" across it?
Cuz it's always past tents... geddit?
I’m currently in Montreal, Canada and just found this place across the street. I wonder if they serve Russian style poutines?
I came across an attractive man who was taking the skin off of an orange.
I guess you could say that I found him appealing.
I once had to play a psychopath in a play. I thought I could come across as crazy if I huffed a l load of women's body spray before I got on stage.
But in hindsight, I was just acting on Impulse.
I recently came across a business opportunity to produce bombs disguised as prayer mats.
The salesman assured me the prophets would go through the roof!
I came across a literate chicken today
I know it was literate because it kept asking for "book book book book"
I told my dad I joke I came across on Reddit-. Doctor: We're going to have to remove your colon. Me Why? He responded with:
As long. as it doesn't. give. you irregular. periods.
We were driving across state over the holidays and my 4 year old tells us she has to pee. We just happened to be almost to an exit with several gas stations to take her. I proudly proclaimed ‘Urine luck! There are plenty of places to go at this exit!’ Sadly, I only got an eye roll from my wife.
A disease ridden bird was recently outlawed across the country.
The best souvenir shop name I've ever come across
I was hiking with my family and we came across a scenic overlook
The watch shop across the street decided to start selling belts.
I warned them it would be a waist of time.
I read about one famous detective. Man was always catching criminals by simple luck. Either he would just luckily stumble across damning evidence or luckily catch the criminal in the act.
I think his name was Sheer luck Holmes
I tried peeing from across the bathroom this morning.
It was a big leak of faith.
I came across this equation on my chemistry test - C2H6O...
Looks like I got a problem with alcohol.
I saw my ex girlfriend across the museum hall, but I felt too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
I was at the museum and I saw my ex girlfriend across the hall, but was too self conscious to say hello.
There was too much history between us.
Who led the Jewish people across a semi-permeable membrane?
I saw my ex girlfriend across the museum hall, but I felt too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend but I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
I saw my ex wife from across the hall in a museum...
I was too self conscious to say hello.
I mean there was all this history between us!
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