85% of Muslims prefer their eggs Sunni side up.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gluecksschwuemmli
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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My grandfather is 85 and he still doesn’t need glasses.

He drinks straight from the bottle.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2018
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My grandad of 85 sent me these today. Runs in the family. (Last one is funny if you know Hindi)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dsharm17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
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I heard people saying "boo" to their friends has went up 85% this year.

That's a frightening statistic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/supahuntaa
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
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I wanted a dollar but I only got $0.85

I couldn’t be bothered to nickel-and-dome my dad. edit: nickel-and-dime*

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EnkaaYT
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
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85 y/o married couple next door can hardly walk. I sometimes see them creeping around the bushes between the houses.

They're a pair of old, worn out sneakers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayZinnet
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2018
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My mom refused to tell me her secret chili recipe until she was 85 years old.

Then she spilled the beans.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
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Negative

True story, I work in the health industry, get to ask these questions from time to time:

Me: Good morning (of course no matter what time of day it is)! I have 4 questions for you, let’s see if you studied for the test...

Patient: (most of the time, chuckle)

Me: Have you had a fever in the last 48 hours?

Patient: No

Me: Have you had a persistent cough recently?

Patient: No

Me: Have you been tested for COVID-19 recently?

Patient (sometimes): Yes

Me: Do you know the results of the test?

Patient (about 85% of the time): Negative

Me: You don’t know the results of the test? (Straight face behind mask)

Patient: It was negative

Me: (smile and chuckle showing through mask)

Patient: Ohhhh! I get it! (Laughs 95% of the time)

Me: Dad jokes have to happen... πŸ™‚

/insert question #4 here, unrelated to said joke... heh

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cidici
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
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I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.

He thought it was a fine joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gubaxter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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A gorilla goes into a new bar...

He asks for a Pint of Beer.

The bartender says: 'That'll be $4.85'

Then the bartender says: 'We don't get many gorillas in here'

The gorilla replies: 'With these prices, I'm not surprised'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Altar-83
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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I did my personal best in the 100 metres today...

85 metres.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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A study shows that 60% of studies are fake
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimmyshouseoffun
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
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Were you vaccinated with a phonograph needle?

Because it's been 15 minutes and you haven't stopped talking!

(This is a joke my dad said to me last night. He's 85 and in failing health so to hear him crack this joke really made me laugh & smile. Then this morning he called me saying he couldn't sleep last night because he worried the joke offended me. I told him hell no...it was hilarious! I love my dad!)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KlimRous
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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[MOD POST] Hunting for an additional moderator. Read and apply within.

EDIT: I am now closing applications and will make a decision in the next day or so. Thank you to everybody who applied - the general enthusiasm and support is wonderful to see.

( as this is a self post, I receive no karma - however I would appreciate it if you upvoted purely for visibility <3 )

Hey everybody,

The /r/dadjokes community is now over 85,000 subscribers strong. That's pretty great. Pretty super great.

Thus far, over the entire existence of this sub, I have been the only mod. Quietly watching, taking your feedback, removing a post here, approving another there - doing my best not to interfere too much. I'm going to be honest, it hasn't been that hard.

You lot are generally a pretty nice bunch, give or take a few of the more vocal lunatics. There isn't usually a lot of work to be done, or issues that need resolving.

That said, I'm not awake all the time. I can't lurk on Reddit all the time. I don't have all-seeing eyes.

So it's about time I gave another pair of eyes moderator status and entrusted those eyes with a duty of care.

Let's get down to the chase; here's what I'm looking for in an additional mod:

  • You live in a very different timezone to Syd, AU - GMT+10
  • You have a good sense of humour
  • You're not in this purely to grow your 'net rep
  • You're interested in being fair, and maintaining fairness
  • You maintain civility in yourself and your responses at all times
  • You have a bit of time every day to go through reports, spam, and post comments
  • You understand that your moderatorship will initially be a trial, and can be revoked at any time if you aren't being magical and rad
  • Some general CSS/subreddit formatting knowledge wouldn't go astray, but is not required

Here's what I am not looking for:

  • Strong, cemented opinions about what constitutes a dad joke and what doesn't - everybody's dad and humour is different
  • An overzealous post remover - I am not looking for an enforcer, the title moderator implies moderation
  • A(nother) dictator - it is my preference that this subreddit be gently guided, and not forcibly ruled, we let the community find itself and we listen to what they say

If you wish to apply for the title and duty of being a moderator to /r/dadjokes, simply state your case (why you should be selected, what benefits or experience you bring, etc) in a comment reply to this thread. I will then get in touch with the most worthy seeming applicants. Upvotes and downvites will not be taken int

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tali3sin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2013
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When do Red White, and Blue not symbolize freedom?

When you’re going 85 on surface streets, with them behind you in flashing lights.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeowMixSong
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2018
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Every time my dad tells this it gets just a little more elaborate. But this is how I remember it.

Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.

The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.

Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.

For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.

On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.

Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.

Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clearwind
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2014
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I was honored

GF: My goal is to read 85% of my bookshelves before summer.

me: Is there really that much writing on the bookshelves?

GF: ...

GF: You're your father's son, you know that?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smedes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2015
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Grandma's still sharp

My grandma is 85. She suffers from Parkinson's and sleeps about 16 hours a day, but her dad joke is still sharp (as I found out earlier). While discussing my cousin's bee-keeping with my mum:

Mum: '...what? I didn't know Buff makes honey' Grandma: 'He doesn't. ...the bees do'

She proceeded to grin smugly, appreciating my mother's sigh. I proudly enjoyed the ensuing silence. Well played, grandma.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gullsfan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2014
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My grandfather is 85 years old, but he still doesn’t need glasses.

He drinks straight from the bottle.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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My Grandfather is 85 and still doesn't need glasses....

He drinks straight from the bottle

πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B-man44
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
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