7 Days Puns

That's week

Water weak.

I should have known better than to make week sauce.

It makes one weak.

Usually I only sleep for about 8 hours

Turns out that makes 1 weak

I just told her that day has finally come.

It was a weak effort

The odds were against me

It makes one week.

At this rate, I’ll be able to finish reading the dictionary in about a month.

Something about

You get fat. What, were you expecting a pi joke? Reddit doesn’t have pie days!

Getting karma should be easy as cake

Edit: It’s a giant cake day celebration! Happy cake day everyone!!

I told her to study hard.

But for real. We are trying for our first and need good vibes.

Edit it is a parent all my jokes are now dad jokes Edit 2: thank you all! This made my wife's day since were waiting to tell family

My wife is pregnant with our first child so I'm stepping up my joke game to reach dad level.

Mother's day was not so long ago, and since she isn't a mother yet but only a future mother, I didn't get her flowers I only got her seeds, which are future flowers.

At least I found it hilarious and so did she. Hope you guys enjoy this!

On the day my daughter was born Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!

... until the doctor told me to take the candles off first!

Happy cake day to meeeeee!

Limestone! This was made up in the car by my 8 year old son as we were driving home from our Fathers Day outing. Promised I'd share it.

It makes my day

With an itheberg! :)

(Sorry if this isn't as funny as the other jokes here! I just can't help but crack a smile when I hear this one. It's so cheesey and adorable to me! So I figured I'd try and share it with you all! Have a nice day!)

He knew his days were numbered

But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.

Me, eyebrow raised: “And why is that sweetheart?”

Her: “Because mine has a crack in it!”

I actually laughed. I don’t really know where she heard the joke or if she even knows why it’s funny, but it’s a good start to the day.

Proud dad moment.

Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, "Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."

My gf is on her period. I have been telling her all day period puns and jokes. I am all out and i need your help

It just seems a little unfair that I only get half of a minute when everyone else gets the whole day.

Raise my hand.

(Celebrating my first Father’s Day as a dad with my first post in this sub!)

I know it's been done before, and many a dad before me and many a dad after me will get to experience this, but in these dark times this was a ray of light that pierced me right to the core with joy.

I came home, and my bright and bubbly ballerina 6 year old runs up and says can I have a hug!?

She asks very tentatively because she knows I have been out all day and the routine is for me to grab a shower (COVID) before I let them get all over me.

So I say, not yet I'm dirty.

She says awww... then she turns to walk away, but then spins back around and looks at me dead in the eye and says:

Hi! um...

wait a sec,

um, I know um,

um, wait.... dir...

[Face beams the biggest smile of accomplishment]

Hi Dirty! I'm [daughter]!

I know we have those proud moments when they turn, but man her delivery, the awkwardness, and the sheer pride she beamed out when she realized she just pulled the reverse dad joke on me...

It's not the getting reverse dad'd, it's the joy and pride she had... she could have just graduated college, and that's how big her beaming smile was right then...

It's a memory I am going to keep and it really lit up this dark time.

On the other hand everything is OK.

Happy Fathers Day everybody

And the wife says "if I died would you get remarried?" The man says " no don't ask that it's absurd". The wife asks for the next few days until she asks once more and he says "yes." The wife then says "would you sell the house?" The man says "no" she says "would you sell our bed?" The man replies " no no it's our bed" the wife says "would you give her my golf clubs? The man replies "no she's left handed"

It's not easy, but these days we all have to make concessions.

It will be a sadder day.

All I did was take a day off.

To this day, she still takes my breath away

When I was a kid, my dad was a road worker. One of those guys who turns the signs when they're building bridges and filling potholes. You know, speaking of potholes they fill those with tar and gravel mixed together. Pretty incredible. Anyways, He really worked his ass off you know? Getting up early, usually before dawn. He'd sit there, rub his eyes for a while. He liked to drink coffee. Usually Folgers, with a little splash of international delight. Anyways, he'd trudge off with his steel lunchbox and come home late at night. Mother dearest would rub his back and tell him what a hard worker he was, they'd go into the basement and make macaroni and cheese sounds all night while we slept upstairs.

Well one night, dad came home. He had been fired! Why was he fired you ask? Well. He was stealing. I said "There's no way my dad was stealing!" Not my dad, the man who once at three hard boiled eggs and donated the fourth to a man downtown. No way no how....but one day I went back to my childhood house. My parents still lived there, after all, who can afford a new house in this economy? Well I went into the basement and it hit me. Dad really was a thief. All the signs were there, I just never saw them.

Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

A nurse comes up to the first man and says, “Congratulations! You are the proud father of a pair of twins!”

“That’s funny...” the man said, “I work for Twin Peaks!”

Another nurse comes into the room and goes to the second man and says, “Congratulations! Your wife has just given birth to triplets!”

“That’s funny...” the second man said, “ I work for the 3M company!”

Yet another nurse comes into the room and says to the third man, “Congratulations! Your wife has just given birth to quadruplets!”

“That’s so funny...” said the third man, “I work at the Four Seasons Hotel!”

The last man is groaning and whining in obvious agony, “What’s wrong?” the other men ask.

“I work at Seven Eleven.” He replied.

Happy Fathers Day!

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

My wife and son are vegetarians, but I eat meat. One day, my son try’s to eat some of the chicken off my plate and my wife says “No sons name That’s a dead bird. We don’t eat dead birds”.

I reply “she’s right Son, it’s a murder most fowl”.

I replied, "Hey, there is a Son Day every week!"

Me: Don’t forget its son day too.

All dads are motherfuckers, but not all motherfuckers are dads

Happy Father’s Day

But the day before is a sadder day. Get it?

I don’t know what he laced em with, but I was trippin all day.

My son and I love good egg pun Dad jokes. We got it going the other day and my wife rolled her eyes. He asked her, "which joke didn't you like?"

She replied "all ovum"

Actually she just sits around, smokes weed all day and never calls me, but a Dad can dream.

B'day, mate!

This joke failed in r/jokes I want to see if you all have a better sense of humor.

Dad responds "So I take it you haddock-good day?"

(Note: This actually happened today.)

Because every day is their birdday.

So one day, I just packed up my bags and right.

I feel with my hands.

That was my dad’s go to, directly followed by: dad: can I make you a sandwich Me: sure Dad: (does magic hands) poof you’re a sandwich

It’s almost 3 years since he died. I miss his joke every damn day.

I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"

She said: "Either ore."

I bought a T-Shirt the other day but it kept giving me static electric shocks every time I tried to wear it.

I took it back to the store and they kindly replaced it with another one free of charge.

It's "In the Pen Dance Day"!

The operator said ‘Have a nice day son’. ‘Don’t call me son’ I said. ‘You’re not my dad’ The operator scratched his head and said ‘No, but I brought you up didn’t I?’

The guy comes in the next day looking for the books again but quickly apologizes. Sorry I came early.

It’s really been a great cake day

The days were incredible, but the nights were in tents

To this day he still holds the record as the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.

they just finished a 31 day March.

Kiddo: Geez whiz dad, we didn't get any snow at all this year!

Papa: Yeah, it never used to be like this back in the colden days...

Everyone: sigh

Happy Father's Day!

It's a running joke.

Happy Father's Day to all Dads that make us laugh with their ridiculous jokes!

You really should. Its night and day

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,

"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.

Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year

She did a great job, because just like the real Wrigley these days, the only seats I could afford had blocked views.

Jake returns home after a long days work, finds the cupboards bare and thinks "that's strange we went shopping this week". He goes to the garbage can to find jars of peanut butter, yogurt, pill bottles, assorted food they've just bought discarded. He asks "Honey why is all the food in the garbage?" he finds her watching TV in the living room she says "Roger is dead", stunned he runs to the backyard to find their pet seal dead. He runs inside shocked and says "wow that's terrible, but why did you throw out all the food?!" she replies "They containers all said DO NOT USE IF SEAL IS BROKEN".

Because they taste funny.

Happy Father’s Day ya filthy animals

The father said it was a very old story about two inventors named Johnson and Hues. One day Hues was working feverishly on his latest project and talking to himself out loud. Unfortunately for Johnson, his project was not going well and Hues' constant chatter was getting on his last nerve. Suddenly, Hues lept from his chair in excitement and said "I finally did it!" "I finally invented a protective layer of apparel to be worn on the feet!" Johnson was a timid man that never attempted to stifle Hues' talking, but he was about to snap. At last, Hues cried out one last time to himself "...but what shall I call them?", to which Johnson finally retorted, "SSSSHHHH, Hues!"

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”

It always falls on Son-day

Now those days are behind me.

I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. I was already running late, after my wife took my cheese this morning. Even after I told her it was Nacho cheese. She asked what time my dentist appointment was, I told her Tooth hurt-y. But I didn’t end up going, as there was stairs I had to ascend. I don’t trust them, they’re always up to something. Then my wife got really mad at me and said that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

I went straight to the barber for a new look. He asked me if I wanted a haircut? I said no, I want them all cut. Puzzled he would ask such a silly question, I noticed the graveyard across the street looking overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there I thought. I picked up a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down! Shear amazement a barber would have a book like this! I told the barber I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me. He stopped cutting my hair when my ear fell off. He must of realised I was a leper at this point so I paid for his service and told him to keep the tip.

I received a call from my Eastern European mother in law, apparently my child was refusing to sleep during nap time. She told me he’s guilty of resisting a rest. Then she called me straight back to say there was a kidnapping. I rushed to her home to find my kid napping. I was angry by the miscommunication but that anger turned to joy when I realised it was the first day of spring. I got so excited I wet my plants. After which I realised I was late for soccer practice. I’m not a big fan of the sport but I was doing it for the kicks. I decided not to go as I was tired from the night before where I spent the night looking for the sun. Then it dawned on me. Unusual for me, as I’m usually a pretty good sleeper. I can do it with my eyes closed.

I also hate the dentist. Weeks went by and each day the pain was worse. My wife was also complaining how bad the smell of my farts were becoming. When I finally went to the dentist she informed me I had an abscessed tooth. Then it all made sense. Abscess makes the fart grow stronger.

Mine was about 20 years ago, I was 17 at the time and going to my gf’s sisters house for dinner with her family. We brought some things to help with dinner. As we’re walking up to the house carrying the cookware, her dad looks back and says, “hey, now that you’re walking the wok, can you talk the talk?”. Not sure why but I’ll never forget that. Still makes me chuckle to this day. What’s yours?

Some days, I just don’t carrot all

Next day I was Dino-sore

Context: Yesterday my dad and I were cruising around doing some father's day bonding. We see a big grassy field with some trees in it and he says, "That looks like a great place to play frisbee." I respond, "And an even better place to play frisbee golf!" (A game we made up where you throw frisbees around trees)

My cousin was quietly playing on her iPad when she responds, "That's hockey."

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

It seems to have been a really long day this year

I had to call it a day.

Thanks, I’ll never part with it.

(Source - me. It’s my cake day and I’m bald!)

Actually it’s a meme my crazy aunt posted on FB page for me today.

They make one weak!

Makes one weak

makes one weak

It really makes my day

It really makes my day.

It will be a sadder day.

Happy Father's Day!

It really makes my day