With Child Puns

I told her it was because Ken came in another box.

It has really impacted my outlook on life

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didn’t laugh at any of them. Nevertheless I’ve persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today she’s in labor with our fourth and I’ve finally got her laughing...

I think I’ve really improved the delivery!

"BEAR FEET?!?! I only have human feet", I replied

"No it's not, it's MUNday!" The apprentice has now become the master.

I mean, Look at the poor fella freezing out there.

His son was Garydos.

"Only EWE can prevent forest fires."

pedofile

The doctor said to the husband, "don't get too alarmed... She's just having contractions."

As an adult, I realized it was just a phase.

When I got older, I realized it was just a phase.

An IceCube

Great, now parents have to worry about their kids getting ghosted by a velociraptor? "Hey Timmy, it's Ronny the Raptor. U up? Don't you hate it when you send an eggplant emoji to a Triceratops and they be like: who dis?"

I kid, you knot.

Lemon E Snicket

(Background: “Sans” is the name of a character in a video game.)

me: If Sans were playing D’n’D and rolled a critical hit, would that be a “sans-crit”?

child: Please don’t talk to me.

Is it alien vs predator?

"There's something in the heir."

He thinks he's funny.

The first thing I did was to make sure that I'm still subscribed to /r/dadjokes.. Priorities.

Kidney problems.

"Baba O'Riley" by The Who begins to play.

Dad: Do you know who plays this song?

Me: Who?

Dad: Yep.

Me: Who plays this song?

Dad: That's right.

Every damn time. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

I would call it Calvin and Hobbles

Dad: Son I know you're upset. Know what my grandfather used to tell me when I was feeling this down?

Me: sniff What, Dad?

Dad: He would tell me, "Sonny, you stay here, I'm going upstairs to fuck your grandma."

....he also tells my friends this when they come over upset.

He said to me "Well son, now that you have a kid of your own, I think it's time to give you this".

"Dad, you don't mean the... ".

"Yes son", he interrupted, as he handed me the first five editions of '1001 Dad Jokes'.

With the tears welling in my eyes, and a lump in my throat, I said "Dad, I'm honoured!".

"Well hello Honoured, I'm Dad".

In bread.

The wife and I were at her appointment to see how our little man was cooking, all is well of course. As we were waiting for the doctor she had some paper work to fill out. She didn't want to fill it out so I took the liberty to fill out the form for her while asking her all the questions.

Me: "Marital status?"

Wife: "I think I'm married."

Me: "Race?" (As in ethnicity)

Wife: "I don't run."

I have some catching up to do.