As an expectant father, I proudly made my first Dad joke yesterday, while snowed in at the Denver airport
http://www.livememe.com/kv2y91d
As an expectant father, I feel like I can finally post my own jokes here...
What do you call a pig wearing a cow's slippers?
Moo-shoe pork!
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
We really should have expected last year's pandemic.
But then, hindsight is 2020.
Finally my winter fat has gone...
Now, I have spring rolls.
I don't know why people expect Time's Square to put on a decent New Year's Eve show.
They're always dropping the ball.
My 6 year old just told me this joke... What's stronger than a fortune cookie?
What is the difference between a radius and a diameter?
Never tried drugs before...but I have high expectations
There are two unwritten rules in life
As I expected, my therapist told me that I have a problem verbalizing my emotions.
I've invented a sandal for one legged people...
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, “where do I drop it off?”
She says, “Go in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -“
“Don’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
Dad to his son; “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?”
Son; “Go on, then.”
Dad growls; “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
Son; “That’s Superman.”
Dad; “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
Why did the Cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
Edit: Thank you for the awards.
I was expecting this to go noticed like most of my other posts. You peeps rock!
Nobody expected this Knight in the battle.
I expect a reaction from you all.
A person that works faster than expected always has extra time on their hands.
The same is true for clocks.
(PSA: Remember to correct yours tonight, as applicable.)
What did batman say to robin before they got into the bat mobile?
I didn't expect to see that convention of skilled printers in Madrid…
It was a Spanish ink-wiz-isition.
I never finish anything
I have a blackbelt in partial arts
If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are expected to pretend as if nothing happened.
Noble gases have no reaction.
What do Italian ghosts eat?
I can't tell you all Japanese history in one joke...
A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"
I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.
Did you know Danny DeVito has a cousin from the old west?
The wedding was so touching that
even the cake was in tiers.
Edit: Thank you so much guys! I never expected this to reach 10k upvotes! You guys truly made my day.
Absolutely nobody expects it
I was at the store with my wife picking out a turkey and she seemed unimpressed by the size. She asked "do they get any bigger?"
I looked her in the eyes and replied "no honey, they're dead."
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
At the age of 65, my Grandma started walking 5 miles a day.
She's 92 now. We have no idea where she is.
Do you feel like a thing that is borrowed, especially a sum of money that is expected to be paid back with interest?
In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
What's six inches long, has a bald head and every woman loves?
A hundred dollar bill.
This is my dad's favorite joke.
I didn’t expect to laugh at these, but they have groan on me.
What do you call a fear of giants?
Feefiphobia
Edit: wow! I never expected this to reach such great heights..... Thank you for the awards, kind redditors.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Great Expectations
When you write about about a kid in the 1900s with Great Expectations, it’s a real Oliver Twist
When does a farmer dance?
You would expect A Queue to go in order
but it skips b c d e f g h I j k l m n o and p
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
This jerk in an expensive vehicle cut me off and expected me to get out of his way.
Ambulances, I can't stand them.
What do you get when you eat 3.14 cakes?
You get fat. What, were you expecting a pi joke? Reddit doesn’t have pie days!
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
Why do the people of Athens not wake up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
I don't know much about vampire dwarfs
But they are a little bit...
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