We were watching a documentary on African wildlife, and my son asked me, β€œIs it difficult to spot cheetahs?”

Me: No, I think they come that way.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
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went to a wildlife park that only had a little, hairy dog..

it was a shit zoo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wanki_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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Did you hear about the chaos in the wildlife park?

Ammonia was accidentally spilt over bamboo when the animals were feeding. It caused a complete panda ammonium.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/citygentry
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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Just watched a wildlife documentary on beavers.

Best dam programme I've seen in a long time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wilberfarce
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
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He came out as bi to his religious mother. She went to the Fish and Wildlife Service to ask for help.

She didn't know how to handle a bison

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaGmBr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
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TIL that Cards Against Humanity joked that they could buy an island with the money they donate to charity, so they bought an island in Maine to preserve wildlife. They named it β€˜Hawaii 2’ because β€œit’s on the Maine land.” connecticut.cbslocal.com/…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Big_Spicy_Tuna69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
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Not knowing anything about wildlife really can open up a can of wasps.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
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where does Canadian wildlife go when they get arrested?

the Moosegow!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kazradel
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2016
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I wanted to tell a joke about wildlife on the African plains

but i waSavannahard time coming up with a punchline

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2017
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What government office is in charge of marine wildlife health?

Sturgeon general.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/derivedintegral
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2017
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My wife got me good

So we recently moved from the desert to the coast. The house we moved in to is just up the street from the what we call the bay, everyone else calls the river, but in reality should probably be classified as a sound.

well while exploring the area, we were taking in all the sights and sounds and smells and wildlife. The dialogue went something like this.

me: look at all the trees and birds and seagulls

wife: and bagels

me: .................bagels? where do you see bagels? looks around for truck or store of some kind

wife: the bagels

me: wtf are you......i hate you

Edit: since people don't seem to get it. Baygull

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πŸ‘€︎ u/otp1144
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2017
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Every time I see these signs on the road...

http://images.roadtrafficsigns.com/img/lg/K/Watch-For-Rocks-Sign-K-6417.gif

http://images.campgroundsigns.com/img/lg/K/watch-for-wildlife-crossing-sign-k-0324.png

I think, "Hmm... That's an interesting trade"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/7tacoguys
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2016
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Canadian Water

So my daughter was filling out a form that was asking if she has left the country recently. Well, technically she has. She took a canoe trip over the border into a wilderness area.

I told her that since she didn't go to any populated areas or contact any wildlife that she could just say no. She argued and said "Well, i mean i did come into contact with Canadian water and land."

I said, "Well, that's different. You know Canadian water has a different chemical composition, right?"

She just looked at me.

"Yeah, it's H2O A?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrFurrypants
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2016
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Scats and Tracks

We were at a bookstore, and my dad was looking at animal field guides:

Me: Hey look, this one says it's for "Texas Wildlife Scats and Tracks."

Dad: Oh yeah? Picks it up

Me: Yeah! With that you'd be able to to tell who's poops were who's.

Dad: Well yeah, it's scratch and sniff.

Said it so matter of fact that I almost missed it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigKiss_LittleHug
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2015
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Puns I only wish I could think of.

I got two. This was at a wildlife preserve while my family and I were visiting Alaska.

  1. SCENE: Lynx exhibit. WILDLIFE PRESERVER: "And these are our 2 lynx, we found them as kittens and they have always lived here." DAD: "They're lynx, huh? So where do they take me if I click on them?"

Aftermath: She didn't get it.

  1. SCENE: Moose area. DAD: "What do you do if a bear charges you?" FAMILY: "Wave our arms and shout at it." DAD: "And what do you do if a moose charges you?" FAMILY: "uhh..." DAD: "You give him your credit card!"

Aftermath: The sound of 3 hand smacking their foreheads.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Space_Bungalow
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
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Road signs

I kept seeing signs on the highway that read, "WATCH FOR ROCKS AND WILDLIFE," and kept thinking to myself, "that's a bizarre trade."

Surely I'd have some eye rolls if I wasn't driving alone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/7tacoguys
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2015
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Great dad joke while reading Jurassic Park

"Hey," she said, more brightly. "According to this book, 'the beaches of Cabo Blanco are frequented by a variety of wildlife, including howler and white-faced monkeys, three-toed sloths, and coatimundis.' You think we'll see a three-ted sloth, Dad?"

 "I bet we do."

"Really?"

 "Just look in the mirror."

"Very funny, Dad."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gpgpg
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2015
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Just stumbled on this sub. It's the reason my Dad exists.

So the joke goes "You know, James Madison was a naturalist. A lot of people don't know that. He really loved the environment and care a lot about wildlife. In fact, he tried to put protecting wildlife into the bill of rights, but a lot of people don't know that he was dyslexic too. So when he was writing the 2nd amendment he wrote the right to bear arms, but what he meant was the right to arm bears!"

Just went on a tour of revolutionary battlegrounds (truly amazing if you ever get the chance) and that joke was told in excess of 50 times, no exaggeration.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CyrusGreat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2013
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Spent the Weekend With The Family...

Some precursor- I'm 27, my girlfriend is 34; we visited my family who lives in another state this past weekend for easter. The last two days I started to write down every horrible attempt at a joke my dad did. So these were just the best of the last two days. Note that this was the first time my girlfriend had met them.

When watching a commercial on liposuction, "I was going to get liposuction but they just melt it out, I wanted them to ZAP it out"

When getting directions, "Should I use my Gsp? (I think it was a joke trying to comment on the similar sound between esp and gps... not sure though)

When a commercial kept repeating "we can", he said (to the tune of ice cream ice cream we all scream for...)"WE CAN! WE CAN! WE ALL SCREAM FOR... ... DEATHcam" (I think he realized he had no joke there so sort of trailed off)

Finally, the worst. When we're pulling up to a state park, he's reading the signs that warn about rattlesnakes and scorpions. He leans in and says, "Hey, I've got a great survival tip" with a serious stern face, "Don't feed the rattlesnakes". Then cracks up with a silly laugh as if it's the funniest joke ever created. He realized that no one was laughing, so he thought if he repeated it a few times, it might get funnier. He continued throwing that joke out every time we got to a sign that had wildlife warnings. Seeing this strategy was failing to illicit any laughs, he decided to go with a new approach. He started saying "Don't feed the scorpions,"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Burge97
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2014
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His friend went to Africa

Dad: Did I tell you? One of my co-workers went on a vacation to Africa a little while ago.

Me: What? No, that's awesome!

Dad: The resort was in the style of an oasis, so when he looked out the balcony he could see the rolling desert for miles! He told me there was wildlife everywhere out there too. Said a big group of elephants went running by one night.

Me: Really? That's crazy, I'm so jealous!

Dad: Yeah. He said another went by the next day wearing a pair of sunglasses.

Me: Wait... what?

Dad: I asked him if it was the same group and he said, "I couldn't tell, they were wearing sunglasses!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/macswishbliket
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2013
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