Wildlife! Puns

Me: No, I think they come that way.

it was a shit zoo.

Ammonia was accidentally spilt over bamboo when the animals were feeding. It caused a complete panda ammonium.

She didn't know how to handle a bison

Best dam programme I've seen in a long time.

the Moosegow!

but i waSavannahard time coming up with a punchline

Sturgeon general.

So we recently moved from the desert to the coast. The house we moved in to is just up the street from the what we call the bay, everyone else calls the river, but in reality should probably be classified as a sound.

well while exploring the area, we were taking in all the sights and sounds and smells and wildlife. The dialogue went something like this.

me: look at all the trees and birds and seagulls

wife: and bagels

me: .................bagels? where do you see bagels? looks around for truck or store of some kind

wife: the bagels

me: wtf are you......i hate you

Edit: since people don't seem to get it. Baygull

http://images.roadtrafficsigns.com/img/lg/K/Watch-For-Rocks-Sign-K-6417.gif

http://images.campgroundsigns.com/img/lg/K/watch-for-wildlife-crossing-sign-k-0324.png

I think, "Hmm... That's an interesting trade"

So my daughter was filling out a form that was asking if she has left the country recently. Well, technically she has. She took a canoe trip over the border into a wilderness area.

I told her that since she didn't go to any populated areas or contact any wildlife that she could just say no. She argued and said "Well, i mean i did come into contact with Canadian water and land."

I said, "Well, that's different. You know Canadian water has a different chemical composition, right?"

She just looked at me.

"Yeah, it's H2O A?"

We were at a bookstore, and my dad was looking at animal field guides:

Me: Hey look, this one says it's for "Texas Wildlife Scats and Tracks."

Dad: Oh yeah? Picks it up

Me: Yeah! With that you'd be able to to tell who's poops were who's.

Dad: Well yeah, it's scratch and sniff.

Said it so matter of fact that I almost missed it.

I got two. This was at a wildlife preserve while my family and I were visiting Alaska.

1. SCENE: Lynx exhibit. WILDLIFE PRESERVER: "And these are our 2 lynx, we found them as kittens and they have always lived here." DAD: "They're lynx, huh? So where do they take me if I click on them?"

Aftermath: She didn't get it.

2. SCENE: Moose area. DAD: "What do you do if a bear charges you?" FAMILY: "Wave our arms and shout at it." DAD: "And what do you do if a moose charges you?" FAMILY: "uhh..." DAD: "You give him your credit card!"

Aftermath: The sound of 3 hand smacking their foreheads.

I kept seeing signs on the highway that read, "WATCH FOR ROCKS AND WILDLIFE," and kept thinking to myself, "that's a bizarre trade."

Surely I'd have some eye rolls if I wasn't driving alone.

"Hey," she said, more brightly. "According to this book, 'the beaches of Cabo Blanco are frequented by a variety of wildlife, including howler and white-faced monkeys, three-toed sloths, and coatimundis.' You think we'll see a three-ted sloth, Dad?"

 "I bet we do."

"Really?"

 "Just look in the mirror."

"Very funny, Dad."

So the joke goes "You know, James Madison was a naturalist. A lot of people don't know that. He really loved the environment and care a lot about wildlife. In fact, he tried to put protecting wildlife into the bill of rights, but a lot of people don't know that he was dyslexic too. So when he was writing the 2nd amendment he wrote the right to bear arms, but what he meant was the right to arm bears!"

Just went on a tour of revolutionary battlegrounds (truly amazing if you ever get the chance) and that joke was told in excess of 50 times, no exaggeration.

Some precursor- I'm 27, my girlfriend is 34; we visited my family who lives in another state this past weekend for easter. The last two days I started to write down every horrible attempt at a joke my dad did. So these were just the best of the last two days. Note that this was the first time my girlfriend had met them.

When watching a commercial on liposuction, "I was going to get liposuction but they just melt it out, I wanted them to ZAP it out"

When getting directions, "Should I use my Gsp? (I think it was a joke trying to comment on the similar sound between esp and gps... not sure though)

When a commercial kept repeating "we can", he said (to the tune of ice cream ice cream we all scream for...)"WE CAN! WE CAN! WE ALL SCREAM FOR... ... DEATHcam" (I think he realized he had no joke there so sort of trailed off)

Finally, the worst. When we're pulling up to a state park, he's reading the signs that warn about rattlesnakes and scorpions. He leans in and says, "Hey, I've got a great survival tip" with a serious stern face, "Don't feed the rattlesnakes". Then cracks up with a silly laugh as if it's the funniest joke ever created. He realized that no one was laughing, so he thought if he repeated it a few times, it might get funnier. He continued throwing that joke out every time we got to a sign that had wildlife warnings. Seeing this strategy was failing to illicit any laughs, he decided to go with a new approach. He started saying "Don't feed the scorpions,"

Dad: Did I tell you? One of my co-workers went on a vacation to Africa a little while ago.

Me: What? No, that's awesome!

Dad: The resort was in the style of an oasis, so when he looked out the balcony he could see the rolling desert for miles! He told me there was wildlife everywhere out there too. Said a big group of elephants went running by one night.

Me: Really? That's crazy, I'm so jealous!

Dad: Yeah. He said another went by the next day wearing a pair of sunglasses.

Me: Wait... what?

Dad: I asked him if it was the same group and he said, "I couldn't tell, they were wearing sunglasses!"