Why did The conservative get rid of his alarm clock?

Because every morning it wanted him to get woke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/piccolorick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?

It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Caddiss_jc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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What do you call a teenager who never grows up?

Constantine

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mitiamedved
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
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A good title for a conservative news article a couple days ago when Trump declared β€œStop the count!” after Biden started making gains but Trump still could’ve shocked the world would’ve been...

β€œTrump’s Not Down For the Count”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadow_Boxer1987
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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What do you call conservative moss?

A repub-lichen! It doesn't work as well written down, sorry.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/happyballplayer78
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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Scientists have discovered that bees are learning to conserve energy by gliding on the air...

They think they're evolving into frisbees.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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There's a benefit concert for dolphin conservation at the camping grounds

It's for all in tents and porpoises

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πŸ‘€︎ u/s7evenofspades
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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A conservative injured their leg

Now they're left leaning

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Average-Buggo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?

He was a bison.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wildeyewilly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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I am looking for cow species which are vulnerable but not endangered yet on conservation hierarchy.

I like them medium rare.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/loopystring
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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As a conservative, I could never date an extrovert

Their socialism is just too much

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quisenburg
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
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I always mixed up conserving and conversing,

But nowadays, my words are saved!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/N_Komaeda
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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A lot of people are shocked by the recent events in NASCAR

What is often characterized as a very conservative organization has taken a stance against racism. I'm not surprised at all though. To anyone who's been paying attention, from its very beginnings, NASCAR has always been veering to the left.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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What do conservatives say to calm each other down?

"Don't worry, man. Everything will be all-right"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/McKeonSharp
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
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Did you hear about the new conservative Christian rock band?

Guns and Moses.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
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Apparently made with conservative poultry.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spyrulfyre
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
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Stop calling me orange! Impeach!
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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What’s the most conservative herb?

Oreagano.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-Youseeks
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
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Where do ultra conservative Muslims go to buy trinkets, crafts, and home goods?

Wahhabi Lobby

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeorgieWashington
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2017
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There is a reason why conservatives mistrust statistics.

It’s all because of the left-wing liberal median.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2017
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Thanks to conservation efforts, 9/14 Humpback populations are no longer endangered

I guess you could say they're doing pretty whale

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πŸ‘€︎ u/naturtok
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2017
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Got dirty dadjoked by my ultra conservative father.

My wife and I were visiting my parents yesterday and we were discussing their neighbor that is pregnant.

My mother: "They got engaged before she got pregnant" My father: "Sometimes they get REALLY engaged"

I groaned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buffalo-jones
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2014
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Why did the conservative hide the horror movie from his kids?

Because he believed in concealed Carrie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nerdican
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2016
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Do you know the rules for a conservative Thanksgiving?

Nothing below the baste and absolutely no stuffing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TalkativeTree
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2014
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What do you get when you mix dad jokes and the quiet game?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SprawlRunner
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
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A brief history of time pieces

During the early days of Catholicism there was a huge uproar about the pocket watches that the elite class started carrying to tell time.

The conservative religious leadership at the time determined it to be heresy.

They rounded up anyone wearing watches made by the prominent inventors and burned them and their heretical time pieces.

They were considered some of the most beautiful watches ever made by man but now it is believed that none exist. Although, many historians and collectors still look for them.

Some people just want a watch the world burned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/solomonsaysgo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2018
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My friend owns a mall (long)

I'm here today to tell you all a horrible story, so that none of you have to go through the same experience as my friend.

My friend, Hugh, is a very religious man, who is also involved in our community. 2 weeks ago, our local church burned down and Hugh believed it was his Christian duty to help them get back on their feet. Hugh allowed the friars of the church to set up a cart in his mall to sell their flowers. Every day, the friars came in at 7:00 in the morning with a bushel of beautiful flowers and began to work diligently to arrange them into bouquets. All was going well, the mall was generating more revenue and the church was making more money than they were by selling the flowers in front of the church on Sunday. Everyone was happy; until that first weekend.

Our town is kinda tourist-y, so we get some out-of-towners on the weekends. A gay couple came to the mall the first weekend that the friars had taken up shop (Typically, our town is pretty progressive, but the friars tended to be uber-conservative). The couple came over to the cart and admired the flowers; they tried to purchase a bouquet, but the friars refused to sell to them. The couple was outraged and went to see Hugh directly. They complained to him that the friars were being discriminatory, so Hugh promised to have a talk with the friars. When Hugh confronted the friars, they refused to sell to the couple on the grounds that β€œthey were committing an atrocity in the eyes of the lord.” The couple stormed off and promised to boycott the cart.

This past weekend, the couple came back with a large group and a letter from the mayor, saying that the friars had to sell to them, regardless of sexual preference. The friars stood firm and refused to sell to them, so the group started a protest. They brought in signs and started chanting around the cart. The friars continued to sell their flowers and Hugh allowed them to remain, so eventually the protest began to boycott the mall, rather than just the cart.

By today, the mall had lost 50% of its normal weekend revenue. The group sent a letter to Hugh saying that they could forgive him if he shut down the flower cart within the week. Hugh was pretty broken up, but he had no choice. To maintain his livelihood, he would have to kick the friars out of his store. He talked with the friars this morning and revoked their previous agreement. The friars had their cart packed and left by 7:30, to huge cheers from the community. The mall has been pretty norm

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/st_pugsley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2016
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Dad raised me right...

Back and forth between me and pops: http://imgur.com/j3Ga22p

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ledgergc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2015
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My friend asked me why I don't start playing WoW again...

I told him: "If i'm already playing WoW i'd be more inclined to continue WoW, but if i'm not, i'm not inclined to start - it's the law of conservation of MMOentum"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fantasyoutsider
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2016
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College class humor

In college I took a business law class from a very conservative and intense professor who intimidated us by calling us out to answer questions randomly.

One day the teacher was discussing Torts and called on me by name and then said, β€œGive me one type of Tort?”,

β€œPop-Tort”. I blurted out.

The room went completely silent as everyone was waiting for the professor to get very upset and then the unimaginable happened. The professor smiled then chuckled and then the class felt free to join in and laugh too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/randykates
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2017
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What do you call Kentucky mosquito-infested grassland?

A conservative vector field

Got my calculus professor with this one last year.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rambo_Rambowski
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2015
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Coworkers didn't like the joke. Maybe it'll get some love here?

Thought of this while working, I'm sure it's a real joke already, but I've never heard it.

Q: What did the conservative priest say to the two gay melons that wanted to get married?

A: You guys cantaloupe. :D

Edit: spelling

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πŸ‘€︎ u/0ngar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2014
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