Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.

Because it’s capsized.

πŸ‘︎ 851
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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I heard that by law you need to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden

How the hell am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lifesdope057
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.

I told her I would try flowers and candy.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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Cupcake decorating took a turn on Valentine's day when my daughter got frosting all over the freezer

I told my wife to just leave it though since the freezer has an auto defrost feature

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/krigito
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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What do you call a president that you quickly turn off and on?

A blinkin'

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/japandler
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow

It was our last warming.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?

He forgot his Chopin Liszt.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BornOfAVegan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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A big light switch is a major turn-on
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bismuth482
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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What sticks up when you turn it on?

A light switch

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cjphillips612
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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Bent hoses turn me on...

I'm just kinky like that.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/G0LD1L0CKS
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. "Aye right Show me." Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks "who's been a good boy then?" Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. "what he say?" Mate asks

"woof" guy replies

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedDogBoyMark
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
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If you were a ghost what part of the body would turn you on the most?

Boooooooobies

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joehsmash
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work. I got chatting to him, and it turns out he is a pilot on furlough, earning a bit of cash.

He did a lovely job of the landing.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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Told my wife when she turns 40, I was gonna have to trade her in on 2, 20's

She said that I wasn't wired for it.....

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jalkl
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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I made up a joke about the sound a tap makes when you turn it on full blast, but no one got it.

Whoosh.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frond_Dishlock
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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I lost my watch at a party once, turns out there was a guy harassing a woman while stepping on my watch. I went over to him a punched him, saying, β€œNo one does that to a woman...

not on my watch”

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustiniR
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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Why did the murderer turn on the lights?

Remains to be seen.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peckerbrown
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 p.m. and noticed the clock turn to midnight.

I thought, β€œSame shit. Different day.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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Around the turn of 1900, two Friars move to London to start up a florist shop. Well this didn't sit well with the established florist shop down on the corner.

The other shop owner called his buddy to have someone trash their store. They sent Hugh, big guy like 6'3'' 300pounds. Hugh goes in and busts the store up and scares the Friars off, sending them back to the monastery.

The moral of the story is, Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/facts_my_guyy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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A man sits down at a bar. After a moment, he hears a voice behind him say "Hey, that shirt looks great on you!" He turns around, and nobody is there. Confused, he asks the bartender, "Where did that voice come from?" The bartender says...

"Oh, it's the peanuts.

They're complimentary."

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elawn
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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After days I finally found the thing to turn the TV on with.

It was in a very remote place.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ashnakag3019
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and asks, "do you smell fish?

"

πŸ‘︎ 115
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
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I went to America once and tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...

...so I had to faucet

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hideandsheep
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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Today I tried to turn the lights on

They couldn't see my G-string in the dark

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WalterNewton
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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I had a hard time figuring out how to turn on the lights in my new apartment.

Then it clicked.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kawaii_PotatoUwU
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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I get so mad at my wife when she turns on the heater idk what it is

But I swear I lose my cool

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oilspilpenguin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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Tech tip: It’s dangerous to download β€œCome Sail Away” or β€œSatisfaction” on ITunes. β€œTurn, Turn, Turn” is perfectly fine however.

Styx and Stones may break your phones, but the Byrds will never hurt you.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2018
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People with afro's really turn me on

I suppose they're a bit of an afrodiziak for me

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zoltbloom
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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Me: dad can I turn the air-conditioner on?

Dad: did you shampoo it first?

Me: what?

Dad: the air.

Me: ....

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sexy_bluefin_tuna
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2018
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Why is poofy hair a turn on?

Because it’s an afro-disiac...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/changhaobyu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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Le shower head: Every naked person turns me on.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sageofsixpaths69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
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I was at a concert of which a Scandinavian woman was playing on stage, one of my friends turns to me and remarks β€œI wonder if she’s from Sweden” another friend says β€œmaybe Norway?” My final friend asks β€œdo you thinks she’s Finnish?”

I boastfully reply β€œI fucking hope not she’s only been on five minutes”

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-Suggs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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What sweet turns on a female with a foot fetish?

Men-toes

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/USSR1921
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
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Is it cool if I turn on the a.c.?
πŸ‘︎ 537
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SwanNuggets
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2018
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Advice needed: I was asked to turn on a light bulb.

And I suck at flirting. I’m in the dark on this one.

πŸ‘︎ 192
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onejdc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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It was my turn to hide the pickle on the tree this Christmas.

No matter how hard I tried, you could always see the jar sticking out. It was a Vlasic holiday blunder.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nicker87
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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My dad asked me to turn on the water heater. To which I replied β€œIt’s on”. Only to see my dad run across the kitchen yelling β€œIt’s on okay bring it no holding back!”
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/twinkieded
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
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post said that driver forgot to turn on parking brake
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
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On a report card, what grades turn you into a pirate?

Seven C’s

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xBad_Wolfx
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
🚨︎ report
FYI, If your boat turns upside down, you can wear it on your head.

-

-

-

Because it's capsized

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snyluc13
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Son: By law, you are actually required to turn on your headlights if if is raining in Sweden

Dad: Okay, but how the hell do I know if it’s raining in Sweden?

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/twistyturtles
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.

He made a lovely job of the landing.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tommadds
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
TIL: If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head.

Because it is capsized.

πŸ‘︎ 857
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
🚨︎ report
TIL: If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.

Because it’s capsized.

πŸ‘︎ 213
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head.

Because it is capsized.

πŸ‘︎ 242
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
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Every naked person I see, turns me on.

Said the shower head.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and asks, "do you smell fish?

"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and asks, "do you smell fish?

"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report

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