Why can't you depend on crustaceans?

They're shellfish.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oneidamojo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
🚨︎ report
If you kayak with a cap on and the kayak capsizes, whether or not the cap falls off depends on the cap size
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Byumbyum
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Wife dadjoked me, depends on who you ask

Just started playing Zelda:Skyward Sword and named my character Colby after my dog. My wife asks me if I'll name Link that every time, or change it when we have kids. I answer, depends.

Depends? You'll name him Depends? I didn't think you were old enough for those.

So. Proud.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/euphomptus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2015
🚨︎ report
Our city’s main reservoir leaked and now water supply is dependent on a network of bores

Which to be honest I think is a pretty mean way to refer to our city council, however dull they may be.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lukeurmyson
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Depending on your golf handicap you can move your tee forwards or backwards

Move it too far forward and it becomes a birdie tee.

Too far back and it becomes a bogey tee

Get it just right?

Now that's a party.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I built a catapult that can send a human from the USA all the way to Africa

What country you end up in depends on the Angola approach

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
At the height of my lunacy, I would dig in my lawn like my life depended on it.

It's all well now.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_Veni
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
🚨︎ report
A man decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse, and goes to a local breeder

Not having much knowledge of the animals, he asks the owner to show him around and tell him about different breeds. "Sure, let's go," says the owner, and brings him over to the paddocks.

"So a lot depends on what you want the animal for," he says, and gestures to a powerful stallion running laps. "Over there, you've got your Type A horse: strong, fast, and a little unpredictable, but great if you want to get somewhere in a hurry."

"I think that'd be a little much for me," the man says, and the owner nods, then brings him over to see a mare quietly chomping at some hay in the shade. "This is a Type B horse - tends to be quiet and they're good companions, but not much for doing work."

The man pauses to think about what he wants the animal for, then looks over at a nearby pond and sees a horse swimming and diving over and over again. "What the heck is that one doing?" he asks the owner. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."

πŸ‘︎ 260
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do Squirrels go during Hurricanes?

It depends on which direction the wind is blowing.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dennyitlo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report
How many degrees does a circle have?

Depends on how long it’s been in school.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/turbo8891
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Thought of a good one while at work today (slightly morbid depending on your outlook)

I work in the claims department at a life insurance company. A recent addition to our department mentioned that she had an insured who died from a bowel obstruction. I couldn't help but say: "Sounds like a real shitty way to go..."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/three-eyed-crow
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2014
🚨︎ report
Depending on your date format, if you worked yesterday you could claim to be working twentyfour/seven.
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/torb
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2015
🚨︎ report
The other day somebody asked me if I liked the office

I told them It depends on how much work I have pending

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Finikkin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What's a cavern?

Depends on the calves job.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Wage_slave
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
How many peaches are in these two cans?

Depends on how much those toucans eat

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cassious64
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
"Hey Superman, are you a part of a gang?"

"Several, actually, depending on the day. I'm a kryptonight."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zombie-narwhals
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Just another viral rant.

All right reddit, I have to get this off my chest. I’m absolutely SICK of this pandemic. Everywhere I go, I’m constantly being PESTERED to wipe down surfaces and sanitize my hands. It’s a complete infestation of my personal space!

Let’s face it, our ailing democratic rights have taken a huge hit. And this is a symptom of a larger problem. Namely, our ruling class seems totally impaired! We are being totally ill-informed by people who claim they know everything about this disease.

For example, this whole situation has been plagued with problems since the beginning! It’s a scourge on what’s left of humanity.

So I say, it’s time to break out of the shackles and seize our lives back! We need to combat this virus that flew around the world with everything we’ve got. Because this lock down is bugging the hell out of me! This is a cold call to do your part. The health of our society depends on it!

Happy quarantine, everyone!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/daloonik
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend asked me if Roshomon was a good movie or not.

I told him it depends on who you ask.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/QuillofNumenor
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the average lenght of a dad joke?

Depends on their age

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dragon_owns_a_cat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Normal is just the same as average...

So if thats true then depending on where you are you would be of an average race, have average hair, etc.

And going down from that, alot of people have the same name, making certain names normal or "average".

What im saying is, thats a really complicated way to find the average Joe.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/superdolmiosauce
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
How many feet in a yard?

Depends on how many people are standing in it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sheineken
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I've started a new competitive pun gameshow podcast entitled 'Punnit' and I'm looking for contestants! First two episodes in the comments.

'Punnit' is hosted by myself and played over three rounds. The first two rounds consist of one category (say, Musical Genres & Ailments), with each contestant going in turn and giving their best 5 entries. Such as, HIVy Metal, Honky Tonksillitis, Indiegestion etc.

These two categories are known about a week or so prior so everyone can bring their best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) but the third round is entirely on the spot, with the entrants shouting out whatever they can think of for a category. One of the recent being American Presidents & American States, with OklaBama winning that one.

It's all very much in the early stages but I would appreciate both feedback on the format and people getting in touch if they wanna duke it out.

Here are the episodes: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKJOzYgG9MW7CQHAZQahiqw/videos

Follow us too @thepunpodcast

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PattersonHoodlum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Is it still called beef when vegans fight

It depends on what's at steak

πŸ‘︎ 65
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/maddvloggs
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
🚨︎ report
How much does a dragon weigh?

Depends on the scales.

πŸ‘︎ 730
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HUMANPHILOSOPHER
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Trivia question! How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?

It all depends on the conductor.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The420Wizard
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A Russian couple is arguing about the weather.

One says it is raining, the other says it is simply a mist.

To settle their dispute, they stop and ask a guard outside the Kremlin for his opinion.

"Rudolph, please help us with this disagreement! Is it raining, or not?"

Rudolph replies, "It is raining."

"I knew we could depend on you, Comrade. You see," he says to his partner, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/finestjuggler
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Am I the asshole in this situation?

So a bit of background here, I am fully dependent on my carer. Where he goes, I go. What he eats, I have to eat too. And because of that, if he wants to eat the wrong thing, I suffer.

I have no control over what he feeds us and I can't always tolerate the foods he likes. If he eats food that is too spicy, I yell at him. Like a lot. I've even made him cry a few times. But the thing is, I can't control myself. Every time I talk, it is shit for everyone in my vicinity, especially him. That's why I need him as a carer. I really tried to not give him shit for a couple weeks by not talking at all but he thought it was so bad that I did that he took me to the doctor to force me to keep giving out instead of bottling it all up.

I don't know what to do. I'm literally the end point of his digestive system. Am I the asshole?

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
You know what sucks?

A vacuum

or a prostitute depends on what context.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fazielr
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
🚨︎ report
This isn't a dad joke.

But it can be an adjective, definite article, pronoun, or adverb depending on how it's used.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chateau512
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Sometimes after work, I stop in at the local watering hole and enjoy a frosty Heifeweizen.

Depending on the day, I might even drink the whole weizen.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/therealwinterzero
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Is it okay to say President Obama's middle name?

Depends on Hussein it.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRtHonLaqueesha
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2016
🚨︎ report
How long does it take to reach F from E?

I don't know, depends on the tank.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rhymeswithsyringe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
🚨︎ report
My son has to save the world with Trigonometry.

I told him the Theta the universe depends on it.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PatRaz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
🚨︎ report
The story of Mike and the dad joke hall of fame

Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.

First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.

Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didn’t scare the other children."

Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didn’t have to kiss her goodbye"

Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"

Those darn ex wives. "I’m so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."

Mike actually came to my office to tell me about a basketball camp he's putting on next week. He's been playing basketball for 64 years. "I was a great athlete in high school. I was voted most valuable player by all the cheerleaders."

There was one girl though who got away. "There was a girl who lived down the street and I used to call her all the time and say 'Sarah, can I come over?' and she'd say no. So one day she called & said β€œMike, come over, nobody's home.” So I went to her house and she was right, there wasn’t anybody there."

That girl may be why he didn't play baseball. "I played football, basketball and track. Someone asked me 'Mike, why didn't you play baseball?' I said 'because I was already so good at striking out!'"

Anyways, Mike went on to have a lengthy career in TV and radio, until he didn't. "I had to quit my job for medical reasons. My boss said I made her sick."

Thank you for your time.

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CCisme5
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
🚨︎ report
The knight had many standing positions for masturbating to chose from

Depending on the circumstances

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
🚨︎ report
How much would a trip to spain cost?

It depends on where you live . For example, if you live in Spain,it's free

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
🚨︎ report
When ever someone asks me to hold the door for them.

I keep it closed like my life depended on it.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
🚨︎ report
How far you can travel when tireless

depends on whether you're running or driving.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2018
🚨︎ report
"Do you know that an alligator won’t attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

" Really, Honey?"

β€œDepends on how fast you carry the flashlight.”

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2017
🚨︎ report
How many children does it take to change a light bulb?

Well it depends on wattage they are.

If theyre bright enough they can do it

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mischiefkel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2017
🚨︎ report
How many meters are in a day?

Just depends on how long it is.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bragisson
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2018
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into a bar

he later leaves the bar, because he realizes that his alcohol dependence is driving a wedge between him and his family. After a while he returns to the bar, because he was so drunk that he forgot his wallet their. He then drives home, crashes into his own front lawn, knocks on the door, to find his wife standing their with a bread roller in hand. She asks him, "are you drunk you swine?!" he replies, "no ma'am, I just forgot my wallet at the bar, so I had to swing back and get it....because I was their getting drunk, I'm sorry for lying to you officer..." his wife then leaves him and goes to the same bar to get drunk.... his entire family consists of alcoholics...

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nirvanaspirit666
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
🚨︎ report
How can you tell the difference between an Alligator and a Crocodile?

It depends on if you'll see them later or in a while.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BigBlueBuffBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2018
🚨︎ report
How many feet are in a yard

Depends on how many come to the barbecue

πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EasyGmoney
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
🚨︎ report
How many feet are in a yard?

Depends on how many people are standing in it!

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Farmof5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Got my boyfriend the other day

I asked him if we could make plans on his day off. He said it depends on the catch up he has. I asked him, what if it's heinz?

πŸ‘︎ 322
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/elephanttusk123
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2015
🚨︎ report
How many feet are in a yard?

Depends on how many people are in the yard

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/daniel_m132
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2018
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.