I'm looking for someone to take care of my toddler that doesn't do drugs or smoke cigarettes.

Seriously, he's been teetotal for months now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Starting a toddler footwear business is hard

But I guess small baby steps will make me successful

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
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What is the difference between a house of toddlers and a zoo?

I can't think anymore. Please send help.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alexsious
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
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My two year old was playing cars and blocks with my wife, when she (the toddler) put a block on the road on her city map carpet and said:

"Road Block"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jenniferwillow
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
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My toddler keeps sticking that baby booger sucker in her nose...

She's got great aspirations.

No, really...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VAOkie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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I read that 25% of toddlers in America know how to use an iPad.

Whilst 100% of toddlers in China know how to make one.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
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I got home one day and a book was stuck to my toddler

Me: What'd you do today?

My toddler: Nothing

Me: Are you sure about that?

My toddler: That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/doublet4p
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
What language does an unhappy toddler speak?

Whine-ese.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GovernorZipper
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
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I ate all my toddlers candy.

It was a snaccident

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gp_11
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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So the police locked up a toddler the other day

Turns out he was resisting a rest

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bowlingForRamen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
The toddler pooped his pants, but kept on playing...

...Undie-turd.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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Feeling excluded, my toddler asked me to stop spelling out words while he was around.

I replied "okay".

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GasDoves
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
If my toddler misbehaves I sentence him to an hour in the

play-penitentiary.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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Anyone else surprised we don't see more toddlers with criminal charges?

Mine's always resisting a rest.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/inspire_me_please
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Asking a toddler how well he does something...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NjalBorgeirsson
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My husband and I were eating chips when our toddler requested one. So he gave her a chip and she walked away.

A few minutes later she came back and my husband wasn’t paying attention so I said β€œgive her another, dad.” And he responded with β€œwhat’s wrong with the dad she’s got?”

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/egb233
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the naked toddler competing in the Olympics' 100m dash?

He was running a little behind.

(I believe this to be original; but I wasn't willing to risk searching for the key terms required to determine if someone else came up with it... apologies if I'm repeating a long ago joke)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aguynamedbry
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call armed toddlers?

The infantry

Edit: joke origin u/Strawberry_Milk97 and u/Izzy3710

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/reddituser1708
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad joked by my toddler....a proud day

Wife made asian food for dinner last night, Tofu/Rice/Veggies/Chicken Wontons.

Toddler is killing the wontons and we teach him how to say "wonton" so he can ask for more correctly.

As he's stuffing another piece into his mouth I ask him "hey bubba, do you like wontons?"

To which my son replies, "No..like twotons"

My son's first joke and it's a dad joke...i'm just so proud lol....

πŸ‘︎ 240
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaheiner
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
My Toddler's Favourite Food

Me: so what's your favourite food? Carrots? Chocolate? Custard?

2 year old: nose

Me: out of all the food you'd pick your nose?

Toddler: grins

Me: groans

It was so bad I knew I had to post it here.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Magnificate
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My toddler was having a massive tantrum until she found a grape on the floor. She ate it, and forgot why she was crying.

She was crying because she doesn't like grapes.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
If you’re trying to figure out which Pixar movie to have your toddler watch

Just give Up

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lilsguy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My toddler asked me to give her chicken nuggets a checkup.

After giving all the nuggets a medical exam I realized my toddler was asking for ketchup.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My toddler is a dad in the making

After we got him his breakfast, I went into the kitchen to grab my breakfast. He called for me to come back and I just him I'd be back in one second. He waited a moment and said "Oooone second!"

I'm so proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BladeMaster0182
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
After letting out a trumpet of a fart my toddler stopped, gasped and said, "did you just hear that elephant?"

She's going to be a great dad someday.

Edit: predicted text

πŸ‘︎ 306
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shredbmc
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
🚨︎ report
My toddler was counting his fingers, and determined he had six.

I said β€œoh, well let me take one of those off your hands for you”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bridgeheadprod
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I calmed down our toddlers and wanted praise from my wife.

She said I’m not giving you a consolation prize.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TennisADHD
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Our toddler woke us up, ripping the sheet off our bed last night...

... it’s ok but, we recovered.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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If your toddler is refusing to take a nap…

Are they resisting a rest?

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/agaconn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Our toddler was complaining about the music on the radio, saying she didn’t like it.

I told her you need to listen to The Rolling Stones because you can’t always get what you want.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/irishfirefaerie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My toddler just dad joked me.

She asked for ice for some imaginary wound, and as I gave her the ice pack (shaped like a circle with five fingers), she told me, "Thanks, Dad, I just needed a hand."

I've never been more proud.

πŸ‘︎ 553
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrBELDING69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
🚨︎ report
A toddler's life

It's all fun and games, until you get carried away.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheEmpearor
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
🚨︎ report
How I get my toddler to laugh every time she "gets hurt"

Me: omg sweetie, bring me my phone

Daughter: daddy, I said I got hurt (whimpering voice)

Me: im calling nine- waaaan-waaaan ...(pretends to hang up the phone)...the waaambumance is on the way

Daughter: there's no waaaan waaaan on your phone

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bvillebball31
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My toddler was about to hit his head on a bar at the playground, so I told him to duck.

He quacked at me then hit his head on the bar.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meatbag_289
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I caught my toddler peeing on the carpet

I politely asked him to piss off

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fab-_-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?

A quick pick-me-up.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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My husband, toddler, and I are on a road trip. We turned on to the highway...

And directly facing the sun. I pulled down my visor down.

"Man," I said. "Just think, it's so bright in here I need to squint, even though the sun is 93 million miles away."

"What are you talking about?" my husband said. "He's right behind us."

groan

πŸ‘︎ 880
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuurAlaOrolo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2016
🚨︎ report
I told my toddler that I'd never seen him before.

He said, "What? Of course you have!"

"No, I haven't," I replied. "I've only seen you be one and two."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
🚨︎ report
My toddler sprinkled pepper all over the couch.

It's seasoned leather.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotfoffeemomma
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
When a toddler tries to hold the door for their parent?

That's hodorable.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrazenlyGeek
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I once had my son arrested when he was just a toddler.

the charge?

Resisting - a - rest

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/holeyman79
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
The ultimate dadjoke. My toddlers believe that on 3 king’s day (along with bringing gifts) the camels severely screw up our home. I put muddy hoof prints throughout, upend the plants, knock over the tree, tear apart fruit, etc.

This year Was a symphony! We had aunts, and two grandmas join in for a seriously epic camel disaster for the kids to discover tomorrow. Feeling proud of my dad skills.

Photos here:

https://imgur.com/gallery/b8sILu3

Edit: the oldest is 5. We celebrated a day early so their aunt could be here. The real 3 kings day is tomorrow. Don’t tell the wise men!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sloanautomatic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife texted me about our toddler’s behavior today.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rarehighfives
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2018
🚨︎ report
What is a Toddler favorite alcohol?

Whine.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/InjuredTanned
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I was so happy when my toddler reached out and tried to touch Tom Cruise.

He's already reaching for the stars.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
🚨︎ report
My toddler keeps sneezing on the iPad

I think I need to buy a snotterbox for it

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zucchinikill
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
🚨︎ report

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