How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?
Ten tickles!
Of course it only has eight of those.
So the first two were test tickles!
You can't do this to me. I know my rights!
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
What do you call a caveman that likes to wander aimlessly?
Well someone had to do it
How do you get to the cemetery?
It's just around the coroner!
I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
Hired a handyman to do some odd jobs around the house
He did every other thing on the list
Where do you learn how to make ice cream?
An elderly couple is in a church. The wife says to the husband “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says “Change the battery in your hearing aid.”
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
What kind of music do planets listen to?
Who do ghosts like to haunt bars?
BREAKING NEWS: A man has learned how to do origami backwards!
More on this story as it unfolds
Why do ghosts like to haunt bras?
Because of the boo-bies
Thought of this after mis-reading u/nemesis0884's joke
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
Student: Professor, can I do something to raise my grade?
Professor: Um, you know it’s May, right?
Student: Of course, so sorry! “May I do something to raise my grade?”
What do you call it when you go to an amateur dentist?
What do you call it when a 40 y/o woman wants to stop delivering babies for a living?
How do crabs get to school?
They use the side walk!
- came up with this while walking to work today (I work in education)*
Do you hap-pun to love puns
What do you call it when one German WWII soldier lies to you, then another, then two lie to you, then three tell you a lie, then five lie to you, then eight, then thirteen....
What does James Bond do before he goes to bed?
The trees around the house are starting to bud. I said to my wife, "Honey, do you know what happens when the trees leaf out?"
A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"
"Very SHADY things."
It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.
Why do astronomers add meat to their shampoo?
So they can have meatier showers.
What do you call a boy that’s rude to his father?
What do you say to warn your family you're about to test a new dad joke on them?
Do you want to hear a new word I made up?
What did the piece of wood say when it had nothing to do?
What kind of clothing do lawyers wear to work?
If you want to weigh a whale you take it to a whale weigh station. So where do you go if you want to weigh a pie?
Somewheeere over the rainbow...
Was going to do a COVID joke...
I asked my son today “Why do you always sing to your corn on the cob before eating it?”
His explanation was music to my ears.
Do I have to keep making dad jokes? The short answer is No.
The long answer is Nnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooo.
What do you call the journey to find someone who can talk without moving their lips?
Do you know what used to be better?
"Do you think that hole is big enough to be called something else?"
What music do fish listen to
What to do when a black cat crosses your path...
What do you call the first Australian native to ever have a six pack
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
My grandpa pointed to a flock of geese and said, “do you know why their v formation is uneven?”
Because there’s more on one side
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape
That would be a big step forwards
What do you call an ant that never learned to listen?
How do bees listen to music?
How do prisoners talk to each other
What do you call a priest that wants to be a lawyer?
What do you say to a man with nothing left?
How do Cicadas know to wake up every 17 years?
They have Cicadian rythm...
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
