If you want to weigh a whale you take it to a whale weigh station. So where do you go if you want to weigh a pie?
Somewheeere over the rainbow...
Just wondering, do you think it's alright for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school..
..or am I just a terrible Teacher ?
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
If you come to a line of cats, why do you have to pay to cross it?
Because it's a feline.
My family doesn't appreciate my humor.
I have a computer that does the exact opposite of what you tell it to do
it talks so if it's being annoying just say "open down"
A blonde goes into a church and asks the minister, "How much does it cost to rent a church singing group?"He said,"Do you mean a choir?"
She said "Fine... How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?"
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
What do you say to your cheese when it behaves properly?
"who's a Gouda boy"
"You are a Gouda boy"
How do you know when it’s time to post your dad joke poetry?
What do you say to a yak when you want it to speed up?
Yakcellerate! (My 5 year old made this up)
Why is it illegal to do reverse cowgirl in Alabama?
Because you don’t turn your back on family.
What is it you use when you want to close a sentence, and, you know stop one thing to start another; I mean how do you bring one sentence to an end so you can start another one, hang on, I’ve found it .
Apologies this was a very difficult period for me.
Do you know why it's difficult to read what is on my Samsung phone's screen from 20 feet?
Because it's on a Galaxy far, far away.
What do you call it when an old Australian person tries to contact you but you have to return the call?
Did I tell you guys about the side-hustle plan I came up with? I’m going to do personal training for the band that recorded ‘Lola’ and ‘You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
What do you call it when a Gun gives birth to a Monkey
A Chimp off the old Glock
How do you call it when Superman is unable to do something?
If someone will make a non-english movie called REDDIT, What do we need to watch it?
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
Do you feel that r/puns should have a feature where someone posts an image and everyone tries to makes puns about it(the image) in the comment section?
The more I think about counterfeiting coins, the more I think I’m going to do it.
I said to my daughter, ”It’s time for bed, the cows are asleep in the field”. She asked ”what’s that got to do with anything’?
I said “It’s pasture bedtime”.
Eyelashes are supposed to keep things from getting into your eyes, but when I do have something in my eye it's almost always an eyelash...
You do realize that it's biblically correct for a man to make the coffee. Haven't you ever read the book,
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
Credit to u/the_richard_cranium. In a sub called r/nononono where things that had the potential to go wrong do, a woman struggles to put out a match. She sets it on the table, defeated failing to do so, but she forgot to put it out before doing so.
Confused, another redditor asked “What kind of match was that?” Cranium replied “No match for her apparently”
When I was in high school in Belleville, ON, a young local artist spray-painted a beautiful picture on a large concrete wall under a bridge by the Moira river. He didn't get permission to do this, however, and the city eventually painted over it.
Watching his picture go like that must've been pretty demuralizing.
I asked you to pretreat those pants, you better not try to make the puppy do it..
or else I'ma start singing "WHO LENT THE DOG ZOUT"
(Alright I think these are out of my system... no promises)
The Titanic II is a modern-day replica of the RMS Titanic and is scheduled to set sail in 2022. It's creators do not believe it will relive the tragedy of it's predecessor because
that was an ice-olated incident.
What do you call it when an older married gay couple make it a rule to go out at least once every 2 weeks?
Why do you have to be careful when it’s raining cats and dogs?
You have to be careful that you don’t step in a poodle.
What do you call it when a transgender interpreter is late to work?
My young son and I were having our first discussion about drugs. He was curious about why people would do drugs in the first place, and I told him that many people do it because it produces different feelings of euphoria. He asked, "what's euphoria?" I told him that it was hard to explain...
But it's a feeling somewhere between euthreeia and eufiveia.
I made up a joke so get ready to hate on me. Trump (I know it's topical).... Trump was nervous during the election and was asked "hey, do you want some spiced tea"?
My wife said, “I can’t seem to find my datebook. Do you know where it is?”
I said, “Sounds like... you have a hidden agenda.”
What do you call it when you throw a middle aged woman off a building and they come back to you?
What do you say to a cow when its in the road
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
There’s a new drug going around that is nicknamed “angle”. My friends want to try it with me, but I took a D.A.R.E. course and don’t want to do drugs, so my friends make fun of me.
I guess I’m just too square to try angle.
Suggest to post here, I HAVANT an idea how well it will do
What do you say when your wife is so envious of your peanut butter obsession she wants to put it on herself in the bedroom?
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
My wife and I were having this huge argument as to whose turn it is to do laundry.
Finally, I threw in the towel.
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