People will be lined up for blocks.
My family is tired of it
"Well, why don't you go over her head?" asked my wife.
"I wouldn't want to make her hair smelly."
If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.
Just WATCH
This isn't a dad joke--I really want to no.
I guess you could say I was sleeveless in Seattle
Probably because I am a lawyer.
Scroll-iosis
I don’t want to go nuts right away.
Dad: that's a good time to go to the dentist...
After dinner I tell my family "I'll be right back, I gotta run to Target real quick" My dad then says, "Why you going to run, you can take the car."
I sighed.
I need to borrow some chairs.
A phrase
But I never got around to it
I said, “Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right!”
It Hertz your ears
It's hare-raising.
No pun in ten did.
Personally, I think it's Hylian likely
Taken 4 granted.
No. I'd give it a wide birth..
I stole this:
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.
Confused, he asks them why they're happy.
They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."
Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to turn the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.
"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"
Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"
They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
I'm a son without a father... I lost him a few days ago to a heart attack and I just... can't stop crying
We both used to check out this sub daily for amazing dad jokes and laugh at them together... We'd try to form our own stupid stuff
I used to wake up for college early in the morning I'd cook some breakfast for him get ready and before leaving I'd wake him up and tell him a stupid dad joke... I'd want to see him start his day with a smile
I just want to thank you all in this sub for giving me and my dad happiness your jokes made us laugh at our worst times
Out of habit I keep getting up to go to his room with a dad joke... Only to see it empty
I'm never gonna get to mess around with my dad again... I'm never going to hang out with him again he's not going to be there to see me grow up and buy a house of my own ... He's not going to see me buy a car of own ... He's not going to see me get married... He's gone forever and I will never get to start my day with a smile again from a silly dad joke with him
He wasn't the greatest dad but he certainly was the best I could ever ask for ... I will miss you dad
Thank you r/dadjokes to all the amazing dads here and their funny and stupid jokes
Edit : thank you so much dad's for your overwhelming support I love you guys and I just want to take a moment to thank all the people here who shared their experiences as well of having lost a parent... Your story inspires me to continue forward with the torch
Also I'm seeing quite a few comments saying the post is not funny and that they came for a laugh... I'm truly sorry about that, I just really wanted to honor my dad in this sub since we spent so much time together here scrolling for jokes and I needed the push from you dads to get back on my feet
I'm never going to be the same that's for sure knowing a peice of me has been lost forever... The void will never be filled in my heart But your support is just what I needed, once again thank you dads I love you
Edit 2: thank you so much dads for your overwhelming support I know I haven't been able to respond to all the dms and messages here but I've been reading them all and it's just made me smile in the worst Thank you dads you guys are the best
It would be un-presidented.
How else do you think NUMBER 2 pencils are made?
"Well, he needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know, in order to save my Norman's life.
Tragically, I've never known his blood type, so I only had time to sit and say goodbye. I'll never forget how supportive my Norman was. Even as he was fading away, he kept on whispering to me, "Be positive, be positive!"
That was my Norman! Always thinking of others."
EDIT: thanks for my first award whoever you were!
I can't explain why, it's just a feeling.
It is guaranteed to be a swell time.
Cross dressing
One might say we were... in sink
So he leans over to the guy next to him and asks, is the bar tender here?
After a long, difficult discussion they decided to call it a day.
It turned out to be a waist of time.
I know he meant well, but it didn't really help.
Honey. Nut. Cheerio!!
And that’s the story of how I got fired from my job at the bank
These have been a riding problem in recent times actually So the Japanese have a way to "grade" koi to distinguish the real from the fake And they use letters, A being the best, and D are obviously the fake koi since they are...
D-kois!
Hands down...
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I went to my first kick boxing class today," the guy tells the bartender. "Good" the bartender replies. "Hopefully you'll be able to quit boxing for good, this time."
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡They're on their last legs.
A couple of examples:
If my wife asks me to pass her a whisk. There must be a whisk assessment or she’s a whisk taker etc.
When changing a light bulb, you have to hold the hand of anyone who’s near by before turning the light on saying many hands makes lights work.
I feel obligated to do these every time the situation arises, even if they’ve been heard a thousand times before.
Is it just me?
I'm training for this ahead of time.
Edit #1: Thank you reddit. I think you ensured I will be getting divorced. Don't let up, it's full steam ahead.
Edit #2: My wife hates train puns. I sent her screen shots. She's on to my loco-motives.
Edit #3: I'm speechless. Largely because it's like 6am and I want to stay quiet to not wake up my wife, she's out coal'd, snoring like a freight train. I feel like you all really railed it with these jokes. I hope that she doesn't chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga choose choose to divorce me. I couldn't wait until the train ride. I told my wife some of the jokes. I working on a YouTube compilation of them from last night. I feel like she conducted herself quite well.
Edit #4: [These jokes were off the rails. Here is the YouTube link of my wife's reaction so far.] (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)
Edit #5: I'm about to start training.
First one says, Doc, I don't know what to do about my horse. Every time he's shitting he'll stomp around in it, kick it all over and won't be done until it's spread all over the paddock. The vet nods and goes over to the next one. Second one says, Doc, I don't know what to do about my horse. Everytime he's shitting he'll stomp around in it, kick it all over, then take it in his mouth and spit it around and he won't be done until it's spread all over his paddock. The vet nods and goes over to the next one. Third one says, Doc, I don't know what to do about my horse. Everytime he's shitting he'll stomp around in it, kick it all over, take it in his mouth and spit it around, then roll around in it and he won't be done until it's spread all over his paddock. The vet nods and goes over to the next one. Fourth one says, Doc, I don't know what to do about my horse. Everytime he's shitting he'll stomp around in it, kick it all over, take it in his mouth and spit it around, roll around in it, then dig a bit into the soil with his left forehoof, push a bit of it into the hole and he won't be done until it's spread all over his paddock. The vet nods and goes over to the next one. Fifth one says, Doc, I don't know what to do about my horse. Everytime he's shitting he'll stomp around in it, kick it all over, take it in his mouth and spit it around, roll around in it, dig a bit into the soil with his left forehoof, push a bit of it into the hole, then dig a bit into the soil with his right forehoof, push a bit of it into the hole and he won't be done until it's spread all over his paddock. The vet nods and goes over to the next one. Sixth one says, Doc, I don't know what to do about my horse. Everytime he's shitting he'll stomp around in it, kick it all over, take it in his mouth and spit it around, roll around in it, dig a bit into the soil with his left forehoof, push a bit of it into the hole, dig a bit into the soil with his right forehoof, push a bit of it into the hole, then dig a bit into the soil with his left hindhoof, push a bit of it into the hole and he won't be done until it's spread all over his paddock. The vet nods and goes over to the next one. Seventh one says, Doc, I don't know what to do about my horse. Everytime he's shitting he'll stomp around in it, kick it all over, take it in his mouth and spit it around, roll around in it, dig a bit into the soil with his left forehoof, push a bit of it into the hole, dig a bit into the soil with his right fore
... keep reading on reddit ➡My cousin (MtF) has just come out to the family- she told some of us "younger" ones but she was afraid especially of what her dad's reaction would be. He's a man of few words and was never outgoing or very affectionate to his kids, his side of the family is pretty conservative as well. A very as-seen-on-TV-in-the-90s dad with a handlebar moustache and multiple different-but-same polo t-shirts. Her mum passed a few years ago and they are even more distant than ever. It was finally the big day and she told him in front of a couple of us. The silence seemed to stretch on into the infinite. After some time, he got up, and without even a slight change in expression he said- "so I guess you can't see me now".
...
More silence
...
"Because I'm a transparent geddit?" With the most gigantic smile I've EVER seen him crack.
It's been 5 days and he's been cracking the same joke on every opportunity he can, ever since.
Edit- I forgot my favorite part- he asked her if she would like to add her mum's name in her new one because he missed saying it. I BAWLED my eyes out.
Edit2: obligatory I can't believe how much this blew up! We met at a family gathering yesterday and he was still chuckling so i decided to post this. I sent my cousin this post and she says he's very proud of himself. Thanks for all the awards! This is crazy!
I see that there was some confusion about the moustache description - we're a first generation Indian - Hindu family, and it's traditional especially for the older generation I think.
It's a cute moment, but not everyone is as positive. Some neighbors, people at school, a teacher or so (it's just a phase! you'll ruin your life!), and she's been handling calls all day from AH family members who only call for gossip.
People will be lined up for blocks.
If I’m being objective, it is Dr. Whom.
It turned out to be a waist of time.
Honey, nut, Cheerio!
5 minutes later, he wakes up to being splashed with cold water with the bartender saying, "Use the door next time, idiot!"
He said this over and over
Finally, baby sis turns to him and says : "what's your name again?"
"It's Josh"... He said, confused 🤔
Baby sis : "That's right. It's not Jesus!"
True story 😂
