I'd smoke a cigarette every time after sex...
Thanks to my wife I've stopped smoking.
What did han solo say after he tasted wookiee for the first time?
Not bad but a little chewie
My Dad(64) always shows up to every event 10 minutes after it's started. We bought him a watch, told him the start time was earlier than it was, we've tried everything, but nothing works...
We just have to accept that he's a Late Boomer.
My son had a rough time at little league practice - after striking out three times, he lost interest and wouldn’t stop smelling the dandelions in the outfield, getting one stuck in his nose.
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. ‘Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’
‘Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths ‘ was his technically correct answer
My pregnant girlfriend was noticing and complimenting my figure after going to the gym and eating healthily for some time.
Me: so what you’re saying is... “dad ass”.
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?" Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
I got kicked out of karaoke after singing “Danger Zone” nine times in a row.
Too many Loggins attempts.
In NYC, after these difficult times many people were excited the Lego store was finally reopening.
People were outside lined up for blocks.
Every time I wash the dishes at night after dinner, I use a whole bottle of dishwashing liquid.
Another day, another Dawn.
My friend the comedian normally gets lots of applause after his act, but the last time it was nothing but boos...
He must have been having a bad har day.
How did the dagger feel after exercising for the first time in a long while?
I broke my hand last week, at the hospital thinking it was permanently damaged, I asked the Doctor if I’d be able to play guitar. He replied “Yes, after you’ve taken time to heal”
I was ecstatic, I’ve always wanted to know how to play.
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.
Tenor twelve feet away from her and all musical instruments at all times.
I opened a book and counted the average value of how many times the letters A to M appear in each page of the book. After getting the results, I threw them away.
They are only means to an N.
I have 2 part-time jobs. For one, I put sodas into aluminum containers. For the other, I document a person's desires regarding what happens to their property after death
I saw my nephew after a long time, and said “Wow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last!”
He said, “No. I still have two.”
I had sex for the first time after a vasectomy
I didn't feel any vas deferens
My friend was fired from his lumberjack job after failing to cut down a tree 8 times...
He had exceeded the maximum number of loggin' attempts.
After years of trying I have decided to give up on my life long dream of becoming a world renowned spaghetti chef. It’s time to move on and stop living in ...
My teenage daughter feels attacked by my jokes... after not getting up on time.
I told her that is her PUNishment..
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
After a brain scan, a doctor with bad bedside manor says to his patient seems like I'll see you TU MOR times, because you have TU MOR days to live.
Like a lot of people, I had a hard time deciding on what to do after finishing school.
After some thought, I decided to go home.
People often say to me after rearranging my garden in alphabetical order, how did I find the time.
I said it is there next to the sage.
After years of begging, my wife and I tried anal for the first time!
It was a little weird at first, but once she got used to the strap-on, it was everything I ever pegged it to be.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
Tomato mates meet after a long time
"Let's ketch-up" Said one to the other
After changing my diet to bland foods and spending a lot more time walking (in the rain I might add), I’m down 50 pounds.
That will be the last time I visit London.
My friend died after using Linux for a long time.
He acquired a terminal illness.
Back in Biblical times, after Naomi's daughter in law died...
...things were quite Ruthless!
After arriving 1 hour late to picking my wife from work for the third time this week she said “I’ve had it, I’ve lost all of my patients!” And I said “you know what?...
Maybe you should be a better doctor”
How did Silver greet Gold after not seeing him for a long time?
My little brother sat down at dinner after getting his ear pierced for the first time...
No one notices for a minute or two until my dad catches sight of it.
"Oh H! You got a bit of metal in your ear."
Mum starts fussing straight away but quickly calms down.
"Where'd you get it done?" She asks.
Without skipping a beat dad says.
"In his left ear"
After my daugher was born this past October, the nurse came in and said it was time for some skin to skin.
I replied.... Skin to Skin?
That's how we got into this mess.
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher said that I should be tenor.
Ten or twenty feet away from her at all times.
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher suggested that I should be tenor.
Ten or twelve feet away from her at all times.
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?" Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
My friend was fired from his lumberjack job after failing to cut down a tree 8 times.
He had exceeded the maximum number of loggin' attempts.
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