A policeman pulled me over the other day and started crying as he was writing me a traffic ticket. I asked him why was he crying?
He said it was because I committed a moving violation.
π︎ 378
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︎ Feb 28 2021
Warning: Do not buy tickets for the Eskimo lottery - they will sell you the ticket but they only pay out to native Eskimos.
You've got to be Inuit to win it
π︎ 5
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︎ Apr 21 2021
Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".
I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.
The physical pain on his face was priceless.
π︎ 162
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︎ Dec 22 2020
I was hired to come up with a slogan for 2020 that is just as catchy as Click It or Ticket
I chose Mask It or Casket
π︎ 8k
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︎ Jun 20 2020
My dad confiscated my weed so I stole his plane ticket.
I guess neither of us will be getting high.
π︎ 24
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︎ Dec 16 2020
I told the cop, βYou canβt give me a ticket. Iβm running a marathon tomorrow.β
The cop said, βSir, thatβs not how you play the race card.β
π︎ 200
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︎ Oct 27 2020
Tickets on sale now for 50 Cent opening for Nickelback...
π︎ 3
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︎ Jan 11 2021
βJudge, 50% of my parking tickets are bogus!β
Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Ok..... Judge, half of my parking tickets are bogus!
π︎ 42
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︎ Sep 24 2020
The prosecutor offered the ballet dancer two choices after she did not pay her mountain of parking tickets. A) Say guilty, pay them off, and get probation for 6 months or B) Say Not Guilty and go to trial and perhaps serve 6 months in jail.
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 26 2020
Parked outside my favourite restaurant and ended up with a parking ticket...
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 05 2020
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day.
Push him out of the plane at 30,000 feet and heβll fly for the rest of his life.
π︎ 12
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︎ Nov 19 2020
It occurred to me today that I would have loved to see two of my favorite bands from the 90s, led respectively by David Usher and Gavin Rossdale, on the same ticket. The sign on the theatre would have been epic.
π︎ 3
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︎ Nov 13 2020
Spend your last dollar on a $0.98 lottery ticket and see what you end up with.
That's just my two cents.
π︎ 4
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︎ Nov 01 2020
Why did the air conditioner didn't buy tickets to the Metallica concert?
π︎ 4
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︎ Sep 21 2020
My friend gave me a losing lottery ticket
It didnβt make any cents
π︎ 4
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︎ Oct 11 2020
Last weekend I had tickets to go see Timmy, the Yodeling Shetland Pony.
Unfortunately, Timmy has to cancel. He was a little hoarse.
π︎ 7
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︎ Aug 02 2020
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
π︎ 27
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︎ Jun 04 2020
I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and Iβve no idea why. I mean...
The sign clearly said, βFine for parkingβ.
π︎ 41
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︎ Jul 20 2020
Why did the cow get a ticket?
Because of a mooing violation.
π︎ 8
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︎ Jun 20 2020
I guess you could call it a cinema ticket...
But I think it should be called a Tenet-see agreement
π︎ 3
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︎ Sep 12 2020
Iβve been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and Iβm getting really annoyed
It keeps asking me, βWhere do you want to go?'
So I click on the icon that says βHomeβ and then it makes me start all over again.
π︎ 18
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︎ Aug 11 2020
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
π︎ 97
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︎ Apr 30 2020
This is (practically) the corniest gift imaginable. At the bottom of the soon to be gift wrapped box of corniness was a pair of Korn tickets for my lady...who enjoys my corny puns.
π︎ 23
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︎ Jan 25 2020
A bit startled, I asked, "Officer, why are you crying while writing me my ticket?β He sighed...
"Itβs a moving violation!"
π︎ 11
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︎ Aug 04 2020
I recently did a joke about a suicide bomber not having a return ticket
π︎ 6
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︎ Feb 15 2020
I was pulled over with my son in the car for speeding. Got a ticket. Then the officer said Iβm free to go.
I replied βactually it cost me about $80β
π︎ 8
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︎ Jul 15 2020
Why did the noodle get a driving ticket?
π︎ 227
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︎ Dec 30 2019
All of you who hate speeding tickets....
π︎ 3
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︎ Jul 17 2020
Dammit! I know I have that one half of the ticket which shows I paid!
π︎ 2
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︎ Jul 09 2020
I got a job waiting in line to buy concert tickets for people.
It is a long standing commitment.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jan 16 2020
What station did the dog buy a ticket for?
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 24 2020
βOfficer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?β
Cop: itβs a .....moving violation.
π︎ 15k
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︎ Apr 07 2020
βOfficer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?β
Cop: Itβs a...moving violation.
π︎ 13k
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︎ Nov 03 2019
Me: Officer, why are you crying while writing me a ticket?
Cop: Itβs such a moving violation.
π︎ 74
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︎ Oct 21 2020
Buy a man an airplane ticket and he will fly once,
But push him out of the airplane, and he will fly for the rest of his life.
π︎ 38
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︎ Aug 05 2020
βOfficer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?β
Cop: Yes. Itβs quite a moving violation.
π︎ 43
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︎ Jul 16 2020
βJudge, I want to contest 50% of my parking tickets. I think they are bogus!β
Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Ok. I want to contest half of my parking tickets. I think they are bogus.
π︎ 11
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︎ Aug 23 2020
βJudge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets!β
Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!
π︎ 938
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︎ Oct 31 2019
βOfficer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?β
Cop: Yes. Itβs quite.....a moving violation.
π︎ 39
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︎ Mar 27 2020
Give a man a plane ticket, he'll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane, he'll fly for the rest of his life
π︎ 440
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︎ Aug 15 2019
I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and Iβve no idea why...
The sign clearly said, βFine for parking."
π︎ 5k
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︎ Dec 10 2017
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