She said, "Meh."
So I immediately said, "You heard it here, folks, it's a meh zing."
"Sorry, no pun n' ten dead"
The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.
Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a β¬5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.
As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."
As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".
Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.
Over 2,000 gingers showed up and there wasn't a sole to be seen.
Pun in, ten dead.
It was on r/upliftingnews
Dad - "How did they get the coach down there?"
He liked his daily scoop.
I guess I always had a hunch
It's a rough beet.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gi7lp55Ex7U
Because he was mugged
They're fairyfocals.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
But what about their lefts?
I said, βitβs a bit muggy.β
She grated it.
They told me theyβd see what would turnip. Then they told me it wasnβt their beet. I donβt think they carrot all!
To be sure. Iβll let myself out.....
To summarize:
He's never gonna give you Up
Never gonna lend you Down
Never gonna run around, and dessert you.
It was a completely miss-leading report
Unfortunately, it was a Type-O
But I felt it was justified
The news reported that there's a small medium at large.
He wants to make America grate again.
Dirty bastards.
Then the cops came over and did a full report.
They said they got away clean.
Cause he got assaulted.
A local news organization reported on a group of protesters outside a beauty supply store. When asked what they were protesting, one of the people replied, "For too long has this store peddled fake products! We demand they stop selling shampoo and start selling real poo."
Hail Caesar
No the guy said..... The thief Spends less than my wife.
Recently new mod here, all I ask is that you report ANY posts that break the rules such as; Reposts, posts that are not a pun, NSFW, Etc. With it being reported it makes our jobs easier! Thank you have a great day!
There was a Bee on it
He bearly made it.
He was having a pik-at-chu when you were getting changed!
He was a-salted.
When the reporter asked the doctor βhow is Kim Jong Un?β
Doctor replied: Kim Jong Ill
They were all iCharts
I wrote a little skit for my grandkids let's see how much I remember. CHUM 8 news Ted Hammerhead reporting with sky Chompter traffic report. Top story, a lone shark, who is a loan shark is alone in the dark making loans to sharks! There is a new place to gamble, the place is full of sharks who turn out to be card sharks playing card games with sharks on the cards. Imagune the dogs playing poker for this story, but it's sharks. The other reporter asks Ted Hammerhead how he did on his recent drivers test, Ted responds "nailed it". Crime scene where a clown has been killed and the Detective states, " No way a shark did this as they taste funny". On a comment about the victim. I never did the weather or figured out names for the other reporters we used to laugh and laugh at my stupid puns.
Edit: I can't spell fixed typos
Dentists
Itβs Nationwide now
and the company refused to refund my purchase because it had already been de-livered.
Because they needed it to be a-cure-rate
.....when asked his name by the cop filling out the report he replied Shut Up. The frustrated cop asked repeatedly for his name and was met each time with an equally frustrated and louder reply of SHUT UP! The cop got angry and then asked....hey man, are you looking for trouble? The reply back was "Yes! That's the reason I came here....I'm looking for Trouble!!!"
One evening Jake stole Jokeβs bag and hid it just at the edge of a forest nearby. Next morning he told him what he had done and to be careful not to go far into the forest since itβs riddled with bears once you go into the deep forest part and you are sure to get eaten.
Since Joke didnβt return for a long period of time, Jake went looking for him. However, he couldnβt find his friend. Jake, feeling remorse, called the police and told them what had happened.
Unfortunately, the police were no help and the case started to gain traction with the media. Reporters from all the nearby villages wanted to be the one to crack the case and find Joke.
Jake slowly spiraled into despair, not knowing what happened, thinking he killed his friend and all he wanted was some answers, buying all the local newspapers every day hoping to read something new and gain some answers.
Day after day the event slowly slipped out of his mind as time went by with no new information whatsoever. Until one day, Jake decided to put this whole thing behind him and found a therapist to help him move on.
The therapy was a huge success, he completed all but one meetings and he had just one more to go. He arrived on time as always, but the therapistβs office was locked this time. Jake checked his mobile phone and he saw a message from his therapist that heβs gonna be a few minutes late and that he should sit down in the waiting room, relax, and wait for him.
Jake, as any reasonable person, sat down in the waiting room and started waiting. It was at this moment that his phone battery ran out and he became bored, very bored, so he picked up a random newspaper from the table in front of him and then he saw it, the headline he was waiting for for so long:
Joke gone too far.
Relative humidity.
It's my Georgetown Township Shipyard Yardstick Stickup Update Datebook Bookend.
Reporter goes to a brand new fish farm. The owner is showing her around. "These are our salmon, our trout are over there..." As the owner is speaking, reporter trips & her billfold falls into the nearest tank. It floats away, carried by the artificial current.
Reporter asks if the owner has a pool skimmer or something. Owner proudly says "No need, just watch - these fish are smart!"
Reporter watches as her billfold pops above the surface on the nose of a fish. The wallet is then tossed up, and another catches it.
This goes on until the last fish tosses the lost leather case into the reporter's hands. "That's amazing," she says.
Owner grins & says "Yep! We're proud of our carp-to-carp walleting!"
βA disaffected and angry citizen, fed up of standing in lines for vodka, decided to go assassinate Gorbachev. He soon came back and ruefully reported that the lines to assassinate Gorbachev were even longer than the lines for vodka.β
Sinkhole de Mayo
Dad: I wonder who got Walmarted at Target.
Because he went down in history.
There are rumors of yet another Bill and Ted Sequel following the one in production. Reportedly, it will feature an older, toothless Keanu Reeves who is fighting with his insurance company.
Yeah, the working title: Billin' Ted for Bogus Dentures.
A Southern minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol -Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke -Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service.
Peppermint Patty: I got France!
Linus: I got Spain!
Charlie Brown: I got Iraq...
They say the police are trying to weed out the culprit.
Professor: All I want is that you turn in your essay.
Manufacturers are determined to find a band-aid solution.
But what about their lefts?
because It was mugged!
It got MUGGED
It got mugged
Because it got mugged
^PS ^sorry ^if ^this ^has ^been ^used ^before
It got mugged.
It got mugged.
She grated it!
She grated it π
It got mugged.
It got mugged.
Unfortunately it was a Type-O.
It got mugged.
Unfortunately, it was a Type-O.
There was a Bee on it
Because it got mugged.
It got mugged.
Because It got mugged!
It got mugged
It got mugged
Unfortunately it was a Type-O.
It got mugged
It got mugged.
It got mugged.
It got mugged.
It was mugged.
It got mugged.
Because it was mugged
It got mugged.
It got mugged.
Because he got mugged.
