A reporter interviewed a 103-year old woman: “And what is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked.
The woman simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
This morning I asked my wife like a reporter, "The world wants to know, what it's like being married to the funniest man alive?"
She said, "Meh."
So I immediately said, "You heard it here, folks, it's a meh zing."
There was this news reporter who enjoyed incorporating puns into their reports. One day, they had to cover the story of a mass stabbing. Unfortunately, the reporter couldn't think of a pun so they just sighed and went on to report the news how it was...
"Sorry, no pun n' ten dead"
A struggling young news reporter was having trouble getting good sound bites from the politicians she was sent out to interview, so she invited an experienced colleague out to dinner to ask for advice.
The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.
Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a €5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.
As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."
As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".
Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.
As a reporter, I've done quite a few odd assignments. One especially memorable assignment was to report on the barefoot ginger convention.
Over 2,000 gingers showed up and there wasn't a sole to be seen.
A pun walks into a bar and kills ten people. A news reporter comes to the scene and summarizes it in four words.
Did you hear about the helicopter crew who rescued a CNN reporter?
It was on r/upliftingnews
Why did the reporter go to the ice cream shop every day?
He liked his daily scoop.
News reporter - "They have rescued and got all 12 of the young boys and their coach out of the caves"
Dad - "How did they get the coach down there?"
A reporter asked the hunchback of Notre Dame “when did you realise you were different to everyone else?”
I guess I always had a hunch
Did you hear about the newspaper reporter assigned to cover spiky vegetables?
Repost from /r/History: Even the reporter apologised :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gi7lp55Ex7U
[Dark] Reports came out that suicide rates actually dropped during the pandemic despite people's worst fears. I guess it's true what they say...
How did the condiment report to the army?
On the news there was a report of a cheese factory exploding in France.
My grandfather died because the report said he had Type A blood.
Unfortunately it was a Type-O.
Lifeguards are sad to report the drowning of a hippie last night.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Teacher: Felix, when is the boiling point reached? Felix: Just after my father reads my report card.
The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
An atom called the cops to report he had an electron stolen. The cop asked, "Are you sure?"
And the atom replied, "I'm positive!"
Sad to report the death of the founder of Dulux paint. He died this morning from hypothermia on top of a mountain.
It's been reported he could have done with another coat.
Why did the fish have a bad report card?
because his teacher was crappe
I don't know why the beautiful attendant at Ikea reported me to the police.
All I asked was "How much for one night stand ?"
A report just came out exposing how the government's mishandling of an explosive object could've caused the deaths of hundreds of civilians
I was charged with shoplifting and public indecency...
... the store manager reported that I took a leek.
I've just got some new glasses, and when I first put them on, I could see tiny little people with wings at the end of the garden. I rang my optician to report the problem, but he said it was completely normal with these glasses...
Why did the chicken cross the road? (Punchline is different)
Donald Trump is reportedly banning the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.
The news always reports on violations of human rights
But what about their lefts?
During lockdown people have been choosing to wear no clothes at all.
The naturist groups report their members have doubled in size.
(Too subtle for a dad joke?)
I was robbed outside and went in to report the crime. When I walked in, someone asked me what it was like outside.
I said, “it’s a bit muggy.”
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
Just saw a 3yo cycling in my property.
I'm calling the cops to report a tres-passing
Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.
To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....
I reported my root garden missing to the police.
They told me they’d see what would turnip. Then they told me it wasn’t their beet. I don’t think they carrot all!
My boss thought the spacing in my report was weird
But I felt it was justified
A status report from the department of justice
There are reports that, because of the covid outbreak, Rick Astley is hoarding copies of a 2009 Pixar film, and all albums by a southern metal band from New Orleans. He is not allowing anyone to borrow them. It's also said that Mr. Astley is refusing to go out and purchase cake for others.
To summarize:
He's never gonna give you Up
Never gonna lend you Down
Never gonna run around, and dessert you.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
My grandfather died because the report said he had Type A blood
Turns out it was a Type-O
Why did the coffee file a police report?
My grandfather died because the report said he had type A blood
Unfortunately it was a Type-O
Why did the coffee file a police report?
why did the coffee file a police report?
The news always reports on violations of human rights
But what about their lefts?
My grandfather died because the report said he had Type A blood.
Unfortunately it was a Type-O.
Why did the coffee file a police report
Why did the coffee file a police report?
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